chapter 10; ♥
“LJ User - hrtagram_boy”
Chapter 10: Thursday, January 18th, 2007
Author: Jordan (insane_pyro_grl)
Disclaimer: Fiction, made up by me for creative purposes. I do not own any of the boys, and this journal is not Bam’s real journal.
Rating: PG - 13 (may increase later on)
Summary: What if Bam had a LiveJournal and no one knew about it? Would you read how he wrote about his every day life, from his perspective? This is his journal: hrtagram_boy, read all about his daily life, his trials, his tribulations, and his love. This will be as historically accurate as possible, if I can mold it that way, so it actually will seem like Bam is writing it himself, in real time.
Notes: Sorry this took so long loves; I’ve got a lot going on right now. Let’s just say that life hasn’t been too great to me lately (see my LJ if you really want to know). To make up for it, I might have a chapter on Thursday for you, but I’m not sure yet.
Previous Chapters
Chapter 10: Thursday, January 18th, 2007
I woke up this cold morning to the phone ringing. Excited that it might be him, I leapt halfway across the room to answer it. It wasn’t him, but Jess, excitedly telling me that I had a brand new niece, Scarlett. Since today is the 18th, she also carries on the tradition of how all of our family has an 8 somewhere in their birth date. After I got off the phone with him, telling him I’d stop by the house Saturday to see my new niece, I headed downstairs to make myself some breakfast. There was nothing in the fridge, so I settled for a bowl of Honey Combs, but as soon as I was about to take a bite, the phone rang again.
This time it was mom, telling me the news I’d found out minutes earlier. She was ecstatic about having another grandchild, and I could almost hear the tears rolling down her face. After I finished up on the phone with her, and told her I’d see her Saturday at Jess’s, I ate the rest of my breakfast, flopped on my bed, and thought things through for probably the millionth time in the past three weeks since he left me here alone again.
Why exactly am I so paranoid about this relationship not working? You might have been asking yourself this very question due to the past three or so entries, and you know what, I could ramble on with my worries forever, and still wouldn’t be finished. It all has to do with one person, and that person is me. Despite what you may have seen on television, I have flaws, and I hate every one of them, but I guess that’s just the perfectionist in me coming out. I think to myself every time he kisses me, or tells me he loves me, ‘Who could love someone like me with all of these flaws?’ and it amazes me still that someone so perfect like him could love me.
I’m still waiting to wake up from this dream, and find myself laying in bed next to Missy, a few months away from our wedding. It’s amazing how in an instant, your life can turn around, and it’s like you’re someone else; but back to my self loathing. Another reason that I’m worried is Jenn; call me crazy for even thinking about that crazy stalker bitch again, but I’m reminded of our relationship, and how, no matter what I did, it wasn’t good enough for her. How she cheated on me more times than I can count on my fingers and toes. After that fiasco, I haven’t exactly been self-confident in the way I go about relationships, and wearing my heart on my sleeve.
I didn’t think this would happen this time; why is it even with him, who has been my best friend for almost seven years, I still can’t trust myself or anything else in our relationship? Believe me, I don’t want to feel this way, having my subconscious take shots at me, telling me I’m no good, and that he’s going to cheat on me with someone better. I’m just worried that I’m going to lose the only person I’ve loved in my life. I can’t imagine the heart break I’d feel if I lost him; I don’t think I could live any longer if I found out he cheated on me.
Not to mention the loneliness I’ve been feeling lately. Ryan left for Ohio a few days after he left and now is filming a new movie. Nudie moved out and only comes back when he has some fast company, Shitbirdz is getting a place with his girlfriend, so he’s been staying with her for the past few months, and Bran is living with Rake across town. The house feels empty with only me occupying it; at least when he was here, it felt homey, felt right. I’m surrounded by memories of him whenever I turn around, and I don’t think my heart can take it much longer without him here.
If he’s not back from Finland by March 7th, I’m done, telling him I can’t take not being with him, and I’m ending it.
Chapter 10: Thursday, January 18th, 2007
Author: Jordan (insane_pyro_grl)
Disclaimer: Fiction, made up by me for creative purposes. I do not own any of the boys, and this journal is not Bam’s real journal.
Rating: PG - 13 (may increase later on)
Summary: What if Bam had a LiveJournal and no one knew about it? Would you read how he wrote about his every day life, from his perspective? This is his journal: hrtagram_boy, read all about his daily life, his trials, his tribulations, and his love. This will be as historically accurate as possible, if I can mold it that way, so it actually will seem like Bam is writing it himself, in real time.
Notes: Sorry this took so long loves; I’ve got a lot going on right now. Let’s just say that life hasn’t been too great to me lately (see my LJ if you really want to know). To make up for it, I might have a chapter on Thursday for you, but I’m not sure yet.
Previous Chapters
Chapter 10: Thursday, January 18th, 2007
I woke up this cold morning to the phone ringing. Excited that it might be him, I leapt halfway across the room to answer it. It wasn’t him, but Jess, excitedly telling me that I had a brand new niece, Scarlett. Since today is the 18th, she also carries on the tradition of how all of our family has an 8 somewhere in their birth date. After I got off the phone with him, telling him I’d stop by the house Saturday to see my new niece, I headed downstairs to make myself some breakfast. There was nothing in the fridge, so I settled for a bowl of Honey Combs, but as soon as I was about to take a bite, the phone rang again.
This time it was mom, telling me the news I’d found out minutes earlier. She was ecstatic about having another grandchild, and I could almost hear the tears rolling down her face. After I finished up on the phone with her, and told her I’d see her Saturday at Jess’s, I ate the rest of my breakfast, flopped on my bed, and thought things through for probably the millionth time in the past three weeks since he left me here alone again.
Why exactly am I so paranoid about this relationship not working? You might have been asking yourself this very question due to the past three or so entries, and you know what, I could ramble on with my worries forever, and still wouldn’t be finished. It all has to do with one person, and that person is me. Despite what you may have seen on television, I have flaws, and I hate every one of them, but I guess that’s just the perfectionist in me coming out. I think to myself every time he kisses me, or tells me he loves me, ‘Who could love someone like me with all of these flaws?’ and it amazes me still that someone so perfect like him could love me.
I’m still waiting to wake up from this dream, and find myself laying in bed next to Missy, a few months away from our wedding. It’s amazing how in an instant, your life can turn around, and it’s like you’re someone else; but back to my self loathing. Another reason that I’m worried is Jenn; call me crazy for even thinking about that crazy stalker bitch again, but I’m reminded of our relationship, and how, no matter what I did, it wasn’t good enough for her. How she cheated on me more times than I can count on my fingers and toes. After that fiasco, I haven’t exactly been self-confident in the way I go about relationships, and wearing my heart on my sleeve.
I didn’t think this would happen this time; why is it even with him, who has been my best friend for almost seven years, I still can’t trust myself or anything else in our relationship? Believe me, I don’t want to feel this way, having my subconscious take shots at me, telling me I’m no good, and that he’s going to cheat on me with someone better. I’m just worried that I’m going to lose the only person I’ve loved in my life. I can’t imagine the heart break I’d feel if I lost him; I don’t think I could live any longer if I found out he cheated on me.
Not to mention the loneliness I’ve been feeling lately. Ryan left for Ohio a few days after he left and now is filming a new movie. Nudie moved out and only comes back when he has some fast company, Shitbirdz is getting a place with his girlfriend, so he’s been staying with her for the past few months, and Bran is living with Rake across town. The house feels empty with only me occupying it; at least when he was here, it felt homey, felt right. I’m surrounded by memories of him whenever I turn around, and I don’t think my heart can take it much longer without him here.
If he’s not back from Finland by March 7th, I’m done, telling him I can’t take not being with him, and I’m ending it.