(no subject)
Title:Confessions
Author:Oanja
Rating:Pg
Summary:Sometimes you just feel like the world is against you (I suck at these, so please just read)
Ville sat on a chair nursing a beer in his hand. He was staring at the TV but in reality he didn’t see the pictures flickering in it. He felt like shit and this time it wasn’t because of alcohol. He was just tired -he hadn’t slept a full night in months- he was depressed because of the brake up with Jonna and he just wanted to be home not in some random hotel in some random town in some random country. He didn’t even feel like drinking because even though he knew it would make him feel better he didn’t want to go on stage drunk and ruin the show for his fans, he had done that and had felt bad afterwards and the last thing he needed right now was another thing to feel depressed about.
He turned to look at the other person in the room with him because Bam was being quiet and that almost never happened. He saw the man sitting on his bed holding a bottle of vodka that Ville had offered him earlier and by the look of things Bam was trying to drink himself unconscious. Now that Ville looked at Bam for the first time and really paid attention he looked different. More tired, somehow older and as depressed as Ville felt. Ville saw his friend for the first time in months and wondered how long things had been like this because for some reason they didn’t seem to keep in touch so often anymore. When he tried to think about it he couldn’t remember when Bam had called him last time. Something was wrong because Bam always called at least once a week.
“What’s the matter Bam? You’re awfully quiet tonight?” Bam lifted his head and looked up at Ville but took a swig from the bottle before answering.
“I just, fuck I don’t know everything is just going to hell these days.” He answered and Ville got worried, Bam never had this dark attitude to life.
“What is going to hell?”
“My life. Missy and me, we broke up the engagement, people are saying that I can’t skate anymore, even Novak had to go back into rehab…” and he stopped talking like that should have explained everything to Ville.
He just sat there knowing that he should try to make Bam feel better but he was just too tired to even try. He hadn’t known that Bam had broken up with Missy and he wondered what had happened. The skating thing was probably affecting Bam more though. He could imagine what he would feel if people would start saying that he couldn’t sing anymore or write songs. Except they did say that. A lot of people had said after Dark Light that he had made songs full of bullshit and he hadn’t taken that seriously and even now it didn’t make him more depressed. So what the hell was wrong with Bam?
He looked back into his friend who just sat there on the bed blinking owlishly his eyes focusing into nothing. Now he really wanted to cheer Bam but couldn’t come up with anything to say that wouldn’t sound like a cliché or a greeting card. But he wanted to do something so he tried to climb his way out of selfpity just for a while.
“Bam you know you can tell me anything. I’m not like some of your other friends who you can just joke around and shit. This is me, remember?”
Bam looked at Ville his expression somber. “I don’t know Willa you have enough problems your self. Migé told me some on our way from the airport when he picked me up. I should have called and asked if it was alright to come before I rushed here… it’s just that I wanted to see y-the band so bad. Thought it would help.” Ville thought why Bam hadn’t said ‘you’ like he had started to.
“Of course you should come, you’re my friend. And I was happy to see you, even now.” It wasn’t completely true because he hadn’t felt like partying, which always happened when Bam was there, but now that Bam was there he was happy to see the man. He was glad that he had lied when he saw Bam smile for the first time that night, a real smile not one of the fake ones.
“I think I want to tell you something. The reason why I haven’t called and shit.” Bam said but then stopped, looked uncertain and took another drink from the bottle, for encouragement Ville guessed.
“I found out something about myself couple of moths ago, that’s why we broke up me and Missy. I think I had always known but just didn’t want to think about it, you know but one night I just had this epipfany, no shit that’s not the word, epiphany? Yeah that’s it but it’s not the point, hell I’m making no sense. Fuck!” Bam took another swig and just sat there silent for a moment before continuing:
“It was that night do you remember, after I called you and you told me you had just called Jonna to tell it was over? After that call I just sat there on my couch thinking, why I felt so happy hearing about that.”
My breathing stopped for a second. I had a feeling I knew what he was going to say. “Bam maybe you…” But he interrupted me:
“No let me finish. I have let these things bottle up for so long I’m just going to say them, okay. I just can’t feel like this anymore. I’m not myself I feel like shit and think about things too much. I don’t want this shit.” After that outburst Bam ruffled his hair and rubbed his face like he was starting to feel the affects of all the alcohol. He looked tired and Ville wondered when was the last time Bam had slept and he felt even worse because he hadn’t noticed any of this because of his own problems.
“I just realised then and there, sitting in my living room that the reason I was happy was that you were single again. I didn’t want you to have a girlfriend. Do you remember when I first saw Jonna and I was acting like a prick? That was the reason even then I just didn’t know it. I felt jealous. I…” Bam fell silent again and cleared his throat before continuing. He was rolling the vodka bottle in his hands and looking at it intently like it would give him some answers.
“I love you. When I realised that it freaked me out, you can imagine. I just closed my self in my house for days and chased anyone who came by out. Missy included. I just couldn’t look at her in the eyes. I could look no one in the eyes. Missy couldn’t take it she got fed up, busted in and we had this big fight, she threw the ring at me and I haven’t seen her since. After like a week my mom came and wouldn’t leave until I told her what was the matter. And I told her. The truth. I thought she would be mad or something but she was just Ape, you know. She didn’t hate me or anything just told me that I should talk to you. After that I felt like I could breath again and tried to go back to normal. I wasn’t going to tell you tough. I thought that I would get over this thing. I didn’t. I just kept missing you. Nobody else noticed anything but when Ape came over two days ago with the tickets to fly here I had to come. Had to see you, talk to you. Then I met you and you look like shit, so depressed and stressed I couldn’t say anything didn’t want to make thing worse and now I’m doing it anyway.”
After that Bam just sat there still not looking at him. Ville felt numb. He had guessed that Bam was going to say something like that but still it left him speechless. He put the beer down on the floor and lighted a cigarette inhaling deeply hoping that some words would come to his mind. Something to say that would make things better.
As the silence grew longer Bam started to look like he would cry so Ville realised he had to say something.
“I have known about how you feel about me for a long time.” This made Bam’s head whip around and look at him with eyes as wide as they could go but he continued before Bam could interrupt him:
“I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to hurt your feelings. You are my friend and I love you too. In a way. Just not the way you would want me to.” Ville felt horrible saying that because Bam turned his head away from him and lifted his hand to wipe his eyes. Ville looked at the TV not wanting to embarrass Bam. Then he looked at the clock. It was getting late and in an hour he would be on his way to a club expected to do a show. Life was really fucked up sometimes. He felt even worse for Bam because all of a sudden he had this idea for a song about love denied, heart brake, the usual stuff his songs were made about but it felt so inconsiderate to have inspiration about your friend who was feeling those things right that moment.
He was pulled from his thoughts when Bam stood up and said: “I think I should go.” Ville stood as well and went to stand near Bam: “Are you going to be alright?” After the question had left his mouth he felt like dirt. What kind of question was that?! So he just took Bam into his arm’s and hugged the shorter man tightly. After a second or two Bam hugged him back.
“I’m sorry.” he whispered and then let go. Bam stood there for a couple of seconds tears running down his cheeks unhidden and then just left the room closing the door behind him.
-Fin-
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So that was my first attempt to write something unfluffy. I can't tell how it turned out so please comment
Author:Oanja
Rating:Pg
Summary:Sometimes you just feel like the world is against you (I suck at these, so please just read)
Ville sat on a chair nursing a beer in his hand. He was staring at the TV but in reality he didn’t see the pictures flickering in it. He felt like shit and this time it wasn’t because of alcohol. He was just tired -he hadn’t slept a full night in months- he was depressed because of the brake up with Jonna and he just wanted to be home not in some random hotel in some random town in some random country. He didn’t even feel like drinking because even though he knew it would make him feel better he didn’t want to go on stage drunk and ruin the show for his fans, he had done that and had felt bad afterwards and the last thing he needed right now was another thing to feel depressed about.
He turned to look at the other person in the room with him because Bam was being quiet and that almost never happened. He saw the man sitting on his bed holding a bottle of vodka that Ville had offered him earlier and by the look of things Bam was trying to drink himself unconscious. Now that Ville looked at Bam for the first time and really paid attention he looked different. More tired, somehow older and as depressed as Ville felt. Ville saw his friend for the first time in months and wondered how long things had been like this because for some reason they didn’t seem to keep in touch so often anymore. When he tried to think about it he couldn’t remember when Bam had called him last time. Something was wrong because Bam always called at least once a week.
“What’s the matter Bam? You’re awfully quiet tonight?” Bam lifted his head and looked up at Ville but took a swig from the bottle before answering.
“I just, fuck I don’t know everything is just going to hell these days.” He answered and Ville got worried, Bam never had this dark attitude to life.
“What is going to hell?”
“My life. Missy and me, we broke up the engagement, people are saying that I can’t skate anymore, even Novak had to go back into rehab…” and he stopped talking like that should have explained everything to Ville.
He just sat there knowing that he should try to make Bam feel better but he was just too tired to even try. He hadn’t known that Bam had broken up with Missy and he wondered what had happened. The skating thing was probably affecting Bam more though. He could imagine what he would feel if people would start saying that he couldn’t sing anymore or write songs. Except they did say that. A lot of people had said after Dark Light that he had made songs full of bullshit and he hadn’t taken that seriously and even now it didn’t make him more depressed. So what the hell was wrong with Bam?
He looked back into his friend who just sat there on the bed blinking owlishly his eyes focusing into nothing. Now he really wanted to cheer Bam but couldn’t come up with anything to say that wouldn’t sound like a cliché or a greeting card. But he wanted to do something so he tried to climb his way out of selfpity just for a while.
“Bam you know you can tell me anything. I’m not like some of your other friends who you can just joke around and shit. This is me, remember?”
Bam looked at Ville his expression somber. “I don’t know Willa you have enough problems your self. Migé told me some on our way from the airport when he picked me up. I should have called and asked if it was alright to come before I rushed here… it’s just that I wanted to see y-the band so bad. Thought it would help.” Ville thought why Bam hadn’t said ‘you’ like he had started to.
“Of course you should come, you’re my friend. And I was happy to see you, even now.” It wasn’t completely true because he hadn’t felt like partying, which always happened when Bam was there, but now that Bam was there he was happy to see the man. He was glad that he had lied when he saw Bam smile for the first time that night, a real smile not one of the fake ones.
“I think I want to tell you something. The reason why I haven’t called and shit.” Bam said but then stopped, looked uncertain and took another drink from the bottle, for encouragement Ville guessed.
“I found out something about myself couple of moths ago, that’s why we broke up me and Missy. I think I had always known but just didn’t want to think about it, you know but one night I just had this epipfany, no shit that’s not the word, epiphany? Yeah that’s it but it’s not the point, hell I’m making no sense. Fuck!” Bam took another swig and just sat there silent for a moment before continuing:
“It was that night do you remember, after I called you and you told me you had just called Jonna to tell it was over? After that call I just sat there on my couch thinking, why I felt so happy hearing about that.”
My breathing stopped for a second. I had a feeling I knew what he was going to say. “Bam maybe you…” But he interrupted me:
“No let me finish. I have let these things bottle up for so long I’m just going to say them, okay. I just can’t feel like this anymore. I’m not myself I feel like shit and think about things too much. I don’t want this shit.” After that outburst Bam ruffled his hair and rubbed his face like he was starting to feel the affects of all the alcohol. He looked tired and Ville wondered when was the last time Bam had slept and he felt even worse because he hadn’t noticed any of this because of his own problems.
“I just realised then and there, sitting in my living room that the reason I was happy was that you were single again. I didn’t want you to have a girlfriend. Do you remember when I first saw Jonna and I was acting like a prick? That was the reason even then I just didn’t know it. I felt jealous. I…” Bam fell silent again and cleared his throat before continuing. He was rolling the vodka bottle in his hands and looking at it intently like it would give him some answers.
“I love you. When I realised that it freaked me out, you can imagine. I just closed my self in my house for days and chased anyone who came by out. Missy included. I just couldn’t look at her in the eyes. I could look no one in the eyes. Missy couldn’t take it she got fed up, busted in and we had this big fight, she threw the ring at me and I haven’t seen her since. After like a week my mom came and wouldn’t leave until I told her what was the matter. And I told her. The truth. I thought she would be mad or something but she was just Ape, you know. She didn’t hate me or anything just told me that I should talk to you. After that I felt like I could breath again and tried to go back to normal. I wasn’t going to tell you tough. I thought that I would get over this thing. I didn’t. I just kept missing you. Nobody else noticed anything but when Ape came over two days ago with the tickets to fly here I had to come. Had to see you, talk to you. Then I met you and you look like shit, so depressed and stressed I couldn’t say anything didn’t want to make thing worse and now I’m doing it anyway.”
After that Bam just sat there still not looking at him. Ville felt numb. He had guessed that Bam was going to say something like that but still it left him speechless. He put the beer down on the floor and lighted a cigarette inhaling deeply hoping that some words would come to his mind. Something to say that would make things better.
As the silence grew longer Bam started to look like he would cry so Ville realised he had to say something.
“I have known about how you feel about me for a long time.” This made Bam’s head whip around and look at him with eyes as wide as they could go but he continued before Bam could interrupt him:
“I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to hurt your feelings. You are my friend and I love you too. In a way. Just not the way you would want me to.” Ville felt horrible saying that because Bam turned his head away from him and lifted his hand to wipe his eyes. Ville looked at the TV not wanting to embarrass Bam. Then he looked at the clock. It was getting late and in an hour he would be on his way to a club expected to do a show. Life was really fucked up sometimes. He felt even worse for Bam because all of a sudden he had this idea for a song about love denied, heart brake, the usual stuff his songs were made about but it felt so inconsiderate to have inspiration about your friend who was feeling those things right that moment.
He was pulled from his thoughts when Bam stood up and said: “I think I should go.” Ville stood as well and went to stand near Bam: “Are you going to be alright?” After the question had left his mouth he felt like dirt. What kind of question was that?! So he just took Bam into his arm’s and hugged the shorter man tightly. After a second or two Bam hugged him back.
“I’m sorry.” he whispered and then let go. Bam stood there for a couple of seconds tears running down his cheeks unhidden and then just left the room closing the door behind him.
-Fin-
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So that was my first attempt to write something unfluffy. I can't tell how it turned out so please comment