(no subject)
I sit on the window sill watching them. They all look so happy together. Like they don't miss me. It’s almost as if I was never part of that happiness. Never a part of the friendship that binds them all together. Through conflict, inner and external, each member still stands strong.
Bound together by love. I left that love. I left everything behind to chase one of my fantasies. Not dreams. Fantasies. Like the stories I once wrote. Nothing more than my imagination put down onto paper. I sighed. I went off chasing a butterfly and had my entire life changed by wolves.
I wanted my life to be something different, I lied to myself. Ignoring this truth and the consequences that seemed almost too harsh to bear. Isolated. Worshipped. One of man's greatest creations.
I was born free. I am still free, but now more aware of the consequences of my freedom. I was free until some bald little man pushed a button and ordered me to check under the bed, in the closet for monsters. For those like me who didn't have a nice bit of jewellery that stung.
I hadn't protested when they put the needles into me the first time. Or the second. It was only when it had gone too far that I struggled. That they shook the bits of paper with my signature scrawled across the bottom. That they played me recordings of my vocal consent.
Damn. Damn. And damn again.
I had been trapped by my own imagination and burning desire to be something more.
The flutter of a heavy coat woke me from my thoughts.
"Still brooding?" The speaker’s voice was heavy and low.
"You know it." I replied allowing a savage cockiness to enter my voice.
He settled on the barest bit of ledge left and peered through the window. I looked up at him my mouth twitching in frustration. A new assignment no doubt.
"No. I just came to check on you."
"Why?"
"You seemed...off when you left. I didn't want you to do anything...rash."
"Huh."
My mind drifted back to the months before; one of the Protectors had turned, breaking his bonds. He had killed himself rather that continue on with his work. It had sent a ripple of shock through our ranks. We hadn't realised that we could do that. Three more tried it within the week. Tried the freedom of death. When they weren't dragged back within the next day, or week, or month all our thoughts turned too, to complete freedom.
Our hopes and mutiny was destroyed when we saw them at the next gathering.
All had lumbered in drooling. Apparently the technology used to resurrect their dead bodies didn't care much for looks. Nothing vaguely human anyway. Those who had jumped off bridges or leaped out in front of trains still had pieces of their inside, hanging on the outsides. They had been pieced together with random bits of mammal. Monkey mostly, soft brown fur covered areas that wasn't dripping in blood.
When a class mate of mine turned to face me, I could see the bullet holes that had killed her still pouring blood. She had blown off half her face and they had simply neatened up the edges. Teeth had been pulled until only the ones covered by what was left of her lips remained. Light shone through the bullet holes in her chest onto the floor revealing the pooling blood.
I had been sickened. They were nothing more than broken tools. Very broken tools. I swallowed forcing down bile and resolved myself to never end up like that. Even if it meant jumping to a little bald man's every beck and call I would never resist. Never consider the ultimate freedom. It obviously didn't work anyway. Yellow could still bring you back just as Blue had drawn you in, in the beginning.
Sensei seemed troubled by my contemplative silence. He could hear/see all my thought on the first level, but I had grown accustomed to letting little seep into the first level of my mind and I kept things closer to my heart on level 8. 10 levels of the mind we had been taught, the minute you start using level 10 to think you would be culled. No Protector should ever need to use level 10. Unless you were thinking of mutiny, of suicide.
I shook my head clearing level 8 of these thoughts. No need to stuff the brain full of meaningless drabbles.
"Keaira? Who are these people?"
I hesitated to answer Sensei but gave in as his eyes broke from the scene in front of us and stared at the top of my head.
"My friends." I murmured hesitantly. Some Sensei's would fine such a statement treasonous.
"Oh, from before? They seem like nice people."
Startled I jumped up and turned on the thin sill to stare at him.
"Just what are you getting at?"
"Nothing it's just...you are very much your name; Little Dark One. It would be easier for me to judge your loyalties if I knew more about you."
I was stunned. He was asking more about me. He was getting personal. I knew of students who had developed non-professional relationships with their Sensei's but I refused to believe that my Sensei had that little sense.
"My loyalties lie with the bald man I look after, Sensei. Not with you or with the people in there” I indicated with my head the figures now dancing inside.
He laughed, laying a gentle hand on my shoulder.
"I am not attempting courtship Keaira. It has simply been more difficult to report on you, when you have been so mysterious recently, so...so much like your name." He sighed.
"Blue named me, blame her." I muttered still not understanding. Reports to Green stopped at 6th level of training. Senseis were supposed to know their charges well enough to not need the regular mind to mind reports each week. I met his eyes searching stubbornly. His lips twitched.
“Sorry level 7 classification. You won’t get anything from simply staring at me.” Teasing poured from his eyes and I turned back to the scene before me.
Another reason why sexual relationships were so dangerous; at the point of ecstasy both minds would be open to each other and anyone close enough to touch one of the intertwined bodies. The partners would learn everything about each other, down to level 10. I shuddered. Letting anyone get close enough to learn my level 5 thoughts was repulsive enough. Cai. I shook my head firmly dispelling the name.
“So you do want to fuck me?” I said without turning, attempting to make my voice rough and speech crude.
“No little dark one, I have no need. Kaitlyn and I are reaching our 8th year now, surely you know that.”
“Then what? Why am I so special I still need weekly reports even after I am looking after the bald man?”
“You were in the same class as many of those who rebelled. Green and Yellow are reviewing all of Class 974. They want to root out anyone else who has such little sense. Protectors like that shouldn’t be assigned to anyone anyway.” He stopped as I leant forward and pressed my hands and nose against the glass.
“What if I did have those thoughts? What if I did want my life to go back to normal? What if I wanted to be one of those dancing inside?”
His voice was gentle but I could feel his fear anyway “Then I would have to report you to Yellow and he would…intervene before you could turn into any of your wishes into realities.”
I knew why he was afraid. They had whispered it in the corridors as I passed. I was to be the next squad leader, then the head of the Training Department, I would continue to be promoted for my work. Slowly I was to work my way up until I was the head honcho. Until I was Red. The thought had scared me back then in my second year of training. Now I had met Red and seen his work I merely felt contempt. Was there a more restricted position in the whole company? He sat around all day, got fatter and exercised his signature more than his actual leadership. That’s was Yellow, Green, Blue and White were there for. So Red could simply leave at noon everyday, or not even bother to come in.
I would rather stay a Protector looking after the bald man, than become Red.
“Don’t worry. I’m only trying to test you.” I sighed. “The bald man will be fretting I’d best be off.”
“He called you?” Sensei’s voice was confused, neither of us had heard the buzz.
“No, but he frets when I’m gone for more than 12hours. Who is going to look under his bed for monsters if I’m not there? His wife has given up tucking him in and kissing him goodnight.”
“Of course they would give you the finicky one.” Sensei was laughing. “I wonder if they even pay attention to my reports. I remember specifically noting down your impatience with fussers, whiners and children.”
“Ah, but that’s why they gave me him. They need to test me, see whether or not I can handle the crappy jobs. See whether or not I am Red material.”
Sensei was silent at this. We had attempted to talk about my future in the company before but had stopped minutes later. It wasn’t an easy topic to talk about. I had to tread the fine line of not seeming too eager, where he had to watch himself and don’t seem too confident that I would get the position. If any of this leaked into the reports Green read, I would be scratched off the list completely. In my 5th year this had been unthinkable. I had forbidden anyone to talk to me about it, now in my 11th year, not only do I not want the position but if my contempt leaked through to Green, Yellow would have a field day testing out the latest products on me. Regardless of the side effects. She was cruel like that, sadistic. I bit my lip and sealed off my 8th level thoughts. Stop now. Before Sensei has a reason to forcibly search your mind.
Read on...
“Let’s go.” I stepped off the ledge and into a puddle. My feet slid straight through and I was falling. I closed my eyes and waited for solid ground. The tiniest of thumps heralded my arrival and four faces turned to look at me. I arched one eyebrow and stepped aside to let Sensei land. It took him longer than I though it would have, unless he hesitated? No, he was probably just having one last look at my ‘friends’. The first lesson we learnt as protectors, any liquid if there’s enough of it will transport you and your charge to safety. No matter the distance, you will always be brought back to the Mountain. Water, had become a common form of transport for all Protectors. It was the quickest, safest way Yellow could think of to transport whole beings. I muttered and glared at the starers. Their eyes were fevered as they looked at me, and a chill ran down my spine.
Slaves. Slaves were Protectors who had failed their training. Or had failed to protect one of their charges, most died when this happened but those who survived were changed into the semi-intelligent ‘rats’ that lived in the service tunnels. They knew too much to be simply let free but at the same time couldn’t be trusted with much more than garbage removal. Green and Blue cautioned us, the consequences of a failure. It had been the first time we had met Yellow and viewed one of his ‘experiments’ as he punished the failure. Many had woken in the night screaming. I personally wondered if Blue specifically chose weak humans to become slaves.
As I turned something about the rats caught my eye. They were all clothed too well for slaves and there was something not quite right about their eyes. I had met a slave only once before, but the memory had imprinted itself onto my mind. Slaves wore no shoes, undergarments, shirts, pants or shorts. Their hair was always cropped or strictly tied back and they were dirty. These slave wore jackets, boots, and only had a dusting of filth. I shuddered as a feeling of wrongness swept through me and felt two sharp points of pain in my back.
“Can’t have the prodigy running around tattling on us now can we?” Sensei’s voice drifted through the searing pain of the knockout drugs that were slowly seeping through my veins.
I twitched, each movement lifting me higher off the ground. Two. Three. Four. Five.
“You’re right.” I snarled and turned mid twitch lashing out with my foot.
Sensei was caught the blow on his collarbone. He groaned in pain and fell to his knees his left arm paralysed. I spun quickly judging him to be in too much pain to move anytime soon.
The ‘slaves’ has disappeared into the shadows, something we learnt how to do in our first training year. I sighed wondering why they bothered to hide when they knew I was ‘the prodigy’. I breathed out closed my eyes and thought of heat, warm sunny places with lovers on the sand, their hearts beating fast. I opened my eyes again and felt the change. The colour blue for normal, brown for heat seeking, green for seeing long distances, hazel for sharper focus and a myriad of other variations for a myriad of tasks. My eyes glowed although they were a dark mud brown.
“Don’t worry I play nice.” I murmured as I circled and picked out my opponent.
still unfinished, I need to sleeeeeeep
Bound together by love. I left that love. I left everything behind to chase one of my fantasies. Not dreams. Fantasies. Like the stories I once wrote. Nothing more than my imagination put down onto paper. I sighed. I went off chasing a butterfly and had my entire life changed by wolves.
I wanted my life to be something different, I lied to myself. Ignoring this truth and the consequences that seemed almost too harsh to bear. Isolated. Worshipped. One of man's greatest creations.
I was born free. I am still free, but now more aware of the consequences of my freedom. I was free until some bald little man pushed a button and ordered me to check under the bed, in the closet for monsters. For those like me who didn't have a nice bit of jewellery that stung.
I hadn't protested when they put the needles into me the first time. Or the second. It was only when it had gone too far that I struggled. That they shook the bits of paper with my signature scrawled across the bottom. That they played me recordings of my vocal consent.
Damn. Damn. And damn again.
I had been trapped by my own imagination and burning desire to be something more.
The flutter of a heavy coat woke me from my thoughts.
"Still brooding?" The speaker’s voice was heavy and low.
"You know it." I replied allowing a savage cockiness to enter my voice.
He settled on the barest bit of ledge left and peered through the window. I looked up at him my mouth twitching in frustration. A new assignment no doubt.
"No. I just came to check on you."
"Why?"
"You seemed...off when you left. I didn't want you to do anything...rash."
"Huh."
My mind drifted back to the months before; one of the Protectors had turned, breaking his bonds. He had killed himself rather that continue on with his work. It had sent a ripple of shock through our ranks. We hadn't realised that we could do that. Three more tried it within the week. Tried the freedom of death. When they weren't dragged back within the next day, or week, or month all our thoughts turned too, to complete freedom.
Our hopes and mutiny was destroyed when we saw them at the next gathering.
All had lumbered in drooling. Apparently the technology used to resurrect their dead bodies didn't care much for looks. Nothing vaguely human anyway. Those who had jumped off bridges or leaped out in front of trains still had pieces of their inside, hanging on the outsides. They had been pieced together with random bits of mammal. Monkey mostly, soft brown fur covered areas that wasn't dripping in blood.
When a class mate of mine turned to face me, I could see the bullet holes that had killed her still pouring blood. She had blown off half her face and they had simply neatened up the edges. Teeth had been pulled until only the ones covered by what was left of her lips remained. Light shone through the bullet holes in her chest onto the floor revealing the pooling blood.
I had been sickened. They were nothing more than broken tools. Very broken tools. I swallowed forcing down bile and resolved myself to never end up like that. Even if it meant jumping to a little bald man's every beck and call I would never resist. Never consider the ultimate freedom. It obviously didn't work anyway. Yellow could still bring you back just as Blue had drawn you in, in the beginning.
Sensei seemed troubled by my contemplative silence. He could hear/see all my thought on the first level, but I had grown accustomed to letting little seep into the first level of my mind and I kept things closer to my heart on level 8. 10 levels of the mind we had been taught, the minute you start using level 10 to think you would be culled. No Protector should ever need to use level 10. Unless you were thinking of mutiny, of suicide.
I shook my head clearing level 8 of these thoughts. No need to stuff the brain full of meaningless drabbles.
"Keaira? Who are these people?"
I hesitated to answer Sensei but gave in as his eyes broke from the scene in front of us and stared at the top of my head.
"My friends." I murmured hesitantly. Some Sensei's would fine such a statement treasonous.
"Oh, from before? They seem like nice people."
Startled I jumped up and turned on the thin sill to stare at him.
"Just what are you getting at?"
"Nothing it's just...you are very much your name; Little Dark One. It would be easier for me to judge your loyalties if I knew more about you."
I was stunned. He was asking more about me. He was getting personal. I knew of students who had developed non-professional relationships with their Sensei's but I refused to believe that my Sensei had that little sense.
"My loyalties lie with the bald man I look after, Sensei. Not with you or with the people in there” I indicated with my head the figures now dancing inside.
He laughed, laying a gentle hand on my shoulder.
"I am not attempting courtship Keaira. It has simply been more difficult to report on you, when you have been so mysterious recently, so...so much like your name." He sighed.
"Blue named me, blame her." I muttered still not understanding. Reports to Green stopped at 6th level of training. Senseis were supposed to know their charges well enough to not need the regular mind to mind reports each week. I met his eyes searching stubbornly. His lips twitched.
“Sorry level 7 classification. You won’t get anything from simply staring at me.” Teasing poured from his eyes and I turned back to the scene before me.
Another reason why sexual relationships were so dangerous; at the point of ecstasy both minds would be open to each other and anyone close enough to touch one of the intertwined bodies. The partners would learn everything about each other, down to level 10. I shuddered. Letting anyone get close enough to learn my level 5 thoughts was repulsive enough. Cai. I shook my head firmly dispelling the name.
“So you do want to fuck me?” I said without turning, attempting to make my voice rough and speech crude.
“No little dark one, I have no need. Kaitlyn and I are reaching our 8th year now, surely you know that.”
“Then what? Why am I so special I still need weekly reports even after I am looking after the bald man?”
“You were in the same class as many of those who rebelled. Green and Yellow are reviewing all of Class 974. They want to root out anyone else who has such little sense. Protectors like that shouldn’t be assigned to anyone anyway.” He stopped as I leant forward and pressed my hands and nose against the glass.
“What if I did have those thoughts? What if I did want my life to go back to normal? What if I wanted to be one of those dancing inside?”
His voice was gentle but I could feel his fear anyway “Then I would have to report you to Yellow and he would…intervene before you could turn into any of your wishes into realities.”
I knew why he was afraid. They had whispered it in the corridors as I passed. I was to be the next squad leader, then the head of the Training Department, I would continue to be promoted for my work. Slowly I was to work my way up until I was the head honcho. Until I was Red. The thought had scared me back then in my second year of training. Now I had met Red and seen his work I merely felt contempt. Was there a more restricted position in the whole company? He sat around all day, got fatter and exercised his signature more than his actual leadership. That’s was Yellow, Green, Blue and White were there for. So Red could simply leave at noon everyday, or not even bother to come in.
I would rather stay a Protector looking after the bald man, than become Red.
“Don’t worry. I’m only trying to test you.” I sighed. “The bald man will be fretting I’d best be off.”
“He called you?” Sensei’s voice was confused, neither of us had heard the buzz.
“No, but he frets when I’m gone for more than 12hours. Who is going to look under his bed for monsters if I’m not there? His wife has given up tucking him in and kissing him goodnight.”
“Of course they would give you the finicky one.” Sensei was laughing. “I wonder if they even pay attention to my reports. I remember specifically noting down your impatience with fussers, whiners and children.”
“Ah, but that’s why they gave me him. They need to test me, see whether or not I can handle the crappy jobs. See whether or not I am Red material.”
Sensei was silent at this. We had attempted to talk about my future in the company before but had stopped minutes later. It wasn’t an easy topic to talk about. I had to tread the fine line of not seeming too eager, where he had to watch himself and don’t seem too confident that I would get the position. If any of this leaked into the reports Green read, I would be scratched off the list completely. In my 5th year this had been unthinkable. I had forbidden anyone to talk to me about it, now in my 11th year, not only do I not want the position but if my contempt leaked through to Green, Yellow would have a field day testing out the latest products on me. Regardless of the side effects. She was cruel like that, sadistic. I bit my lip and sealed off my 8th level thoughts. Stop now. Before Sensei has a reason to forcibly search your mind.
Read on...
“Let’s go.” I stepped off the ledge and into a puddle. My feet slid straight through and I was falling. I closed my eyes and waited for solid ground. The tiniest of thumps heralded my arrival and four faces turned to look at me. I arched one eyebrow and stepped aside to let Sensei land. It took him longer than I though it would have, unless he hesitated? No, he was probably just having one last look at my ‘friends’. The first lesson we learnt as protectors, any liquid if there’s enough of it will transport you and your charge to safety. No matter the distance, you will always be brought back to the Mountain. Water, had become a common form of transport for all Protectors. It was the quickest, safest way Yellow could think of to transport whole beings. I muttered and glared at the starers. Their eyes were fevered as they looked at me, and a chill ran down my spine.
Slaves. Slaves were Protectors who had failed their training. Or had failed to protect one of their charges, most died when this happened but those who survived were changed into the semi-intelligent ‘rats’ that lived in the service tunnels. They knew too much to be simply let free but at the same time couldn’t be trusted with much more than garbage removal. Green and Blue cautioned us, the consequences of a failure. It had been the first time we had met Yellow and viewed one of his ‘experiments’ as he punished the failure. Many had woken in the night screaming. I personally wondered if Blue specifically chose weak humans to become slaves.
As I turned something about the rats caught my eye. They were all clothed too well for slaves and there was something not quite right about their eyes. I had met a slave only once before, but the memory had imprinted itself onto my mind. Slaves wore no shoes, undergarments, shirts, pants or shorts. Their hair was always cropped or strictly tied back and they were dirty. These slave wore jackets, boots, and only had a dusting of filth. I shuddered as a feeling of wrongness swept through me and felt two sharp points of pain in my back.
“Can’t have the prodigy running around tattling on us now can we?” Sensei’s voice drifted through the searing pain of the knockout drugs that were slowly seeping through my veins.
I twitched, each movement lifting me higher off the ground. Two. Three. Four. Five.
“You’re right.” I snarled and turned mid twitch lashing out with my foot.
Sensei was caught the blow on his collarbone. He groaned in pain and fell to his knees his left arm paralysed. I spun quickly judging him to be in too much pain to move anytime soon.
The ‘slaves’ has disappeared into the shadows, something we learnt how to do in our first training year. I sighed wondering why they bothered to hide when they knew I was ‘the prodigy’. I breathed out closed my eyes and thought of heat, warm sunny places with lovers on the sand, their hearts beating fast. I opened my eyes again and felt the change. The colour blue for normal, brown for heat seeking, green for seeing long distances, hazel for sharper focus and a myriad of other variations for a myriad of tasks. My eyes glowed although they were a dark mud brown.
“Don’t worry I play nice.” I murmured as I circled and picked out my opponent.
still unfinished, I need to sleeeeeeep