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RULES OF ENGAGEMENT.....READ ALL...NO SKIM READING ALLOWED.
AND/OR FAQ'S ANSWERED IN SOME...
1. DONT READ UNLESS YOU ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT ME AND/OR LOVE ME.
2. DONT COMPLAIN ABOUT HOW LONG IT IS OR HOW "EMOTIONAL" IT IS CAUSE YOU WOULDNT IF YOU ACTUALLY FOLLOWED RULE 1.
3. IF YOU'RE GOING TO COMMENT THIS...DONT BE A SMART ASS...THE ONLY REASON I WROTE IT IS CAUSE I VENTED ON THE COMPUTER..LIKE EVERYONE DOES AT SOME POINT IN THEIR LIFE...AND IF YOU DO OFFEND ME.. I'LL MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE AN IDIOT....SERIOUSLY..(JUST A WARNING)
4. I STARTED WRITING AND COULDNT STOP CAUSE I'M ANTI-SOCIAL NOW DUE TO MY EXTREME LAZINESS AND THIS IS THE OUTBURST FROM NOT LEAVING MY APARTMENT..WELL, BED SINCE I SAW JOEL /MITCH WHICH WAS OVER A WEEK AGO DUE TO LACK OF ACTUALLY CARING AND BEING SICK. (DONT JUDGE ME UNLESS YOUR NAME IS JOEL AND/OR YOU'RE ALMOST THE DEFINITION OF A PERFECT PERSON ;-) OR YOU CREATED THE WORLD IN A COUPLE OF BUISNESS DAYS)
5. DONT GET FRUSTRATED WHEN IT DOESNT MAKE SENSE.... I ONLY TYPED WHAT POPPED IN MY HEAD AND IT MIGHT NOT MAKE SENSE....AND FOR YOU GRAMMER OBSESSED PEOPLE MAY BE A TAD BIT ILLITERATE AT TIMES.. I DONT KNOW CAUSE I DONT PROOF READ WHEN I RAMBLE..WELL I DONT KNOW CAUSE I NEVER DO .. I DONT EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT THE HELL IM TALKING ABOUT OR WHAT IM TYPING REALLY. (THIS IS THE LONGEST BLOG YOU WILL EVER READ.. ITS NOT NECESSARY BUT IF YOU HAVE TIME TO KILL..*WHICH YOU DO IF YOU'RE ON MYSPACE OBVIOUSLY* WHY NOT..I GUESS..)
7. IF I SOUND CONTRADICTING...AGAIN DONT COMPLAIN WHEN YOU READ IT....AS A MATTER OF FACT IF YOU'RE GOING TO READ THIS WITHOUT FOLLOWING THE RULES.... >>>>^^^DONT EVEN SAY YOUR CLOSED MINDED ATTEMPTING TO SOUND WITTY OPINION ALOUD.... CHANCES ARE THE PERSON SITTING NEXT TO YOU DOESNT REAALLLLLYY WANT TO HEAR IT.~<<<<<< THEY PROBABLY DONT HONESTLY CARE ABOUT YOU AS MUCH AS YOU'D HOPE AND WILL FADE OUT OF YOUR LIFE SOMEDAY....SOON.
OR YOU WONT SAY ANYTHING OUT LOUD CAUSE ALL YOUR FRIENDS ARE MYSPACE INTERNET FRIENDS ANYWAY.. THEY LOVE YOU CAUSE THEY PROBABLY HAVNT FOUND OUT THAT YOUR ACCOUNT PICTURES ARE YOUR HOT NIEGHBOR AND YOU'LL INTRODUCE YOURSELF ON JERRY SPRINGER WHEN YOU'VE DIETED AND GOTTEN A FACIAL PEEL AND MAKEOVER.
6. IVE ALREADY GONE OVERBOARD WITH THE RULES...I FEEL LIKE I WASTED AN HOUR OF MY LIFE WITH THIS ALREADY....MAYBE IT WILL HELP SOME OF YOU...WHATEVER..I MIGHT SOUND MEAN BUT... IF YOU'RE NOT A PHONIE THEN NONE OF THAT WAS FOR YOU....PLUS IM ALWAYS NICE.. MAYBE TOO NICE AND IM IN A I DONT CARE IM IN THE REALLY DIZZY CRANKY RESTLESS JOELESS PILLESS RESENTFUL YET GRATEFUL WHATEVER IM NOT GOING TO CARE WHAT YOU THINK WHEN I DIE TYPE MOOD... AND IF THERE WAS SOMEONE I COULD CALL TO BITCH TOO RIGHT NOW THAT I THINK WOULD ANSWER AND NOT GET CONFUSED OR WOULD FEEL LIKE BITCHING WITH ME..ID ALREADY BE TALKING TO THEM... WELL I WAS TALKING TO HIM BUT HE WAS LATE FOR WORK BECAUSE OF IT.
F-----WORD!!!!!!!!! IM ADDICTED TO THE FEELING OF THIS KEYBOARD.... AND IM GETTING ANNOYED WHEN PEOPLE LEAVE ME COMMENTS THAT DONT PUT A SMILE ON MY FACE WHEN I HARDLY KNOW THEM. AND THEN WHEN I REALIZED I HAVNT DELETED THEM ALREADY.. UGH PEOPLE JUST SEEM LIKE THEY SUCK... AND MOST OF THEM DONT CARE THAT THEY DO..
YEA MORE POWER TO THEM... SOMEDAY WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE..
HOW DO YOU WANT TO BE REMEMBERD?..SERIOUSLY? AND HOW MUCH DOES THAT SHIT MATTER TO YOU WHEN YOU'RE DEAD ANYWAYS... AND WHO REALLY CARES WHEN PEOPLE TALK CRAP... JUST DO SOMETHING COOL LIKE PISS IN THEIR SHAMPOO AND CONDITIONER BOTTLES... THEN YOU'LL SMILE...AND PROBABLY MAKE OTHER PEOPLE TOO.
IM DONE..
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LIKE I SAID.... FOLLOW THE RULES... ESPECIALLY NUMBER 1... THIS IS ME... IF YOU DONT I REPEAT DONT KNOW ME OR DONT CARE TO OR YOUR NAME IS RYAN THAN DO ME AND YOU A FAVOR..DELETE ME FROM YOUR FRIENDS LIST..IM PROBABLY JUST TO LAZY TO DELETE YOU MYSELF.... OR I JUST REALLY DONT CARE ENOUGH.
When i wrote this it was actually like 5 hours after starting it and i was really confused as to what i said first cause my this little journal seemed like it got mixed up so if i said the same thing twice... blame it on a bad computer.
im just now winding down from having that feeling..that worry/scared feeling i got when they told me rob was missing... i nearly had a heart attack when i couldnt get ahold of alex..... and i refuse to actually over re-act in this in front of people because this is what you'll eventually learn..
some people do care some people dont care...which will really never effect how much you love them cause since im already passed the working my ass off for nothing but to get worried and let down and lied to. im at the i dont wonder how much the love me anymore... i wonder if it matters anymore..
my feelings wont change... i just want to be dead to the world for a while. im not saying that in that UGGH FEEL BAD FOR ME IM SO SAD bullshit tone im saying that in the i really probably will just dissapear for a while unless you make the effort...
i give up.... i never thought id say that but... i dont care anymore... i cant do it cause i would end up somewhere that i got force fed happy pills 3 times a day...which you know would actually be awesome.. but im a vegetarian and i heard they force you to eat meatloaf.....greasy meat loaf... and milk... i dont believe in drinking milk...
some people really are just good people.... they dont pity you so much as just feel your pain....thats okay sometimes....you dont really care though its not something you would actually appriciate... the most annoying thing is hearing your stories about when your dog died in fith grade when im sitting here telling you i just want people to stop driving me nuts with it...
but the worst is pity....pity is like something you feel for the animals who will never get adopted and you wanna find a home.....ie having pity for pitying..looking down upon someone as unfortunate when really at least i used to know what its like to feel.....people say they're sorry and wanna hug you when they dont know you when honestly im more bothered at the fact that they brought it up.... ...pity is the kind of UNWANTED attention and that fake "just for show" care that doesnt draw you closer to them like they'd hope...it probably just pisses you off....cause you know they're probably doing it so they have a reason to feel sorry for themselves ...cause if they did they could cry about something people would give them attention about **you want that pathetic cry for attention..so much so that you would stopp as low as to use things that matter as tools for your attention problem no matter how much it gets to some people**((but some of you wont actually get it til your grand kids teach you cause hopefully they wont be as brain washed by life....or what the hardcore kids call "scene"..im not talking crap...im venting.)) ....and he could never understand what its like to really worry about something that matters..matters so much you cant imagine living life without....weather you'll come out and tell people that or not...its the kind of bond you get on shrooms times 100 or the kind of bond where your heart being whole rely's on that person keeping you strong...kids tell you not to worry but they havnt been on that side of the bubble... like getting stressed about getting into a better..and more expesive university. ((reality check..most people that actually dedicate that many pointless years and stress and money end up being the depressed lonely poor ones who work 9-5 and have fantasies about never waking up)) ((most people think they're invincible... and it wont be until their death til they realize...oh wait im not)) and they go on living their life with the normal childish things worrying about how close they could get to people that were "cool" or really just people they could get attention from acting like they actually know the person (((when in reality they have no fucking clue..they probably talked to them when they were wasted or at a show or a social gathering..and chances are.... you havnt affected their life in any way.. and they probably couldnt spot you in a crowd)))((this is a whole other novel to pointlessly ramble on about)) i used to be care free and didnt worry about anything.... for months thought my life was going to be okay... that god's going to realize how good ive been and do for me the only thing ive ever wanted..which is whatever it takes for my friends/my family. to be happy.... things were going good for more than a day which is already different but for weeks before something happened i KNEW like im sure a lot of people say this or think this but... i did know something huge was coming to my life...something baaddd i told joel days even weeks before.. and he believed me when i said someones going to pass away..someone veerrrryy close to me.. so right off the bat im thinking okay..someone in my family that i loved and held verrrryyy close to me.. and i was right.. out of any of the friends to consider family it was the main person i thought of as family... well it was the real definition of the word friend.. i told joel(well joel told me too, which was creepy too) its that kind of worry that's overdramatic like when your best freind hasnt called you or answered your calls for days (im being sarcastic cause its actually been weeks and im trying not to go crazy) ... in reality an optimistic person would tell you they're probably out of town on some god-fearin' mission trip (at best but not logical..seriously...), having too much fun getting trashed to care, or are on hard drugs and are in that sketched out druggy mode(((but you'll never hear it from them, cause they avoid you when they're guilty...well.. i wouldnt say guilty i would use shady.cause once you're life is in drugs..you tend to not realize it til your out but you only gear towards people that are going to support your bad habits...or make you think its okay cause even though its only been a week of doing it...you're probably already an addict and already dont notice the people who actually cared when it mattered. *phew*))) but you think the worst like they got kidnapped or killed....
well, i have a good reason to worry..... last time it happened i told kayla to tell jess not to worry cause he's probably just drunk and passed out somewhere far... or like his car broke down or something... and come to find out the next day i was dead wrong...
i woke up just feeling like i wanted to puke cause that twisting feeling in your gut is telling you to prepare yourself and your heart just drops...
and it didnt help that i woke up to the most annoying stalker guy ever... who wakes me up by banging on josh's door early in the morning telling me my dad was worried cause he hadnt heard from me all night... and i was already cranky cause i only got an hour of sleep due to staying up the night before cause i had that "bad feeling" that feeling i was talking about earlier. and then had a bottle of wine to attempt to get rid of that feeling when in reality its making it worse cause when you wake up the reality of it was you really cant remember but chances are you probably stayed up all night by yourself cause all your friends passed out or got "busy" so you were on the internet typing e mails to people (most likely on myspace) telling them you love them and miss them or leaving drunk comments but not remembering who or what you said... or you cried because the one person that can make that bad feeling go away... the one person who would care to do it.. isnt here anymore... but for some reason when i drank.... i probably believed and saw he wasnt gone ... i mean shit that night i couldve talked to jesus but i didnt remember...
you know you've had too much to drink when::
you dont know why you're so emotional
or it could go the other way and you could just be an asshole to everyone
you've probably called someone you havnt talked to in a long time... and chances are after you've remembered that you've called...you'll probably erase their number due to 1.it was a hate call (those are more fun sometimes) or 2. one of those love calls. (these are just hilarious but really stupid) .... drunk calls are just retarded period.
It's hard to describe that feeling i had but for some reason it made me want to run and keep running til i left everything and everyone and every feeling and memory ive ever had..... get just erase life.. that feeling where you actually kind of think it would be better to have never loved at all than to loved and lost but at the same time feeling guilty for it cause you couldnt imagine your life if you hadnt met him.
and just thinking about life without that person seemed like such a pointless life at all.
ahhh im in like blah mode.....
the medications making me almost hibernate everyday and when i do leave my apartment..or just get out of bed period i almost have to force myself to move... if I didnt start hyperventlating I'd forget to breathe..really.. i just am that rediculously lazy... its cause i do what i want.. not what other people want me to do now...my mind is so clear that my reality isnt so confused anymore its just blank...and i dont know if thats good... so my thoughts arent all fucked up.. my mom said it like this cause supposedly she knew all along how i was feeling cause you know..moms got that crazy intuition shit.(its kind of freaky) and she put it soorrttt of like this "if you were to act out the way you felt in your head you'd be in a place with nice padded walls heavy medication and lots of supervision." when really i could do with a heavy dosage of effexor xs and a beer.. put me around someone who thinks everythings funny......and i'll be entertained for a while.... i just..... dont really have thoughts... that kind of thinking when you just wake up after dreaming of white (i dont know cause nobody really knows the truth about dreams) and your thoughts are blank for a single second... or you'll watch tv..but not really be watching cause thinking means soon i'll be stressed.... if i have to think ill think too deep and screw myself over and the physical pain and mental retardation i seem to have gotten just isnt worth it...so now id rather just not think..so lay there and almost meditate while only moving when i reallllyyyy need something like the phone or a cigarette or another pillow (which really i might get someone else to do it all cause im sick physically and mentally so i can do that to people..and not feel bad..try it seriously*its like taking advantage of the whole pity thing..cause you deserve it.. sometimes voluntary slavery is awesome..you cant feel bad cause they offer... but its really annoying when you THINK enough to remember how annoying those people really are.. they worship someone cause they're in more pain.... or because they probably think people will like them more if they're associated with.. i dont know its just the whole attention thing.. i wont give a shit when im not thinking but when im freaking out i have to pull back from not being as sweet as i normally am.. because things like that seem soo stupid to get bothered by.. robert told me in december when i was getting pissed at majority of people period (except my boys and my 3 girls) to just and i qoute "let it fucking go..you're stressing yourself out" which for one was true... and almost everyone still is and 2 most of us know who our REAL friends are already... not the people we're nice to or the people that say "i love you" when all you can think when you read that is how much you want to just ask why the hell do you say you love me when i probably dont know where you came from. or how i met you or your name for that matter....and i know now cause with everything that happned the first time.. ..its the people that just came together in the squad after all that bullshit drama last summer and the last few years..putting the petty crap aside and opening up yourself in front of everyone -the alcohol helped that one- and there was always that one person you asked for when you were at the end of the rope who you just knew one way or another they saved your life....and whatever sanity you could salvage...even if we did only come together for a short time again.. it was something i know no drug or person could ever make us forget ((I WISH everyone could still love and put the bullshit aside but thats asking for a miricle at this point if you know whats really going on)) we were together through the good times....we still held on through the bad when we didnt have to ((for some reason i thought of kyle when we became closer after being on bad terms for like a month for no reason...the only reason i stopped resenting him is cause he said he loved me to death and i dont know when you talk shit through with people youll probably figure out theres really not a reason you shouldnt still love them..))sometimes people were a little drunk or just crazy in the head and the company of eachother for some reason kept some of us alive...not just anyone but like the presence of certain people that made just felt right when everything else seemed like it was spinning nothing made sense but the only thing that you can visually remember is a few short clips of faces ((((((ok for ex.... my wigger wam is one...when everything seemed crazy and kind of straight up effin scary... when i thought i was insane cause really it felt like besides a few people...the world was really empty..and i lived in a dream/nightmare reality...everything was just blurry....and surreal and i felt like i was on drugs permanantly..but having a bad trip...and i think last week was the first time since december i didnt feel like life was fake... its cause meds really did help..just with calming me a little... but before that for some reason i would see Wig..and at times he could make me feel safe...maybe cause we understood eachother it seems when nobody else really knew.. some people might have...i just didnt share my mind like that with some people ii doonnttt know..its not something you can verbally describe.. someone has to just know...like wig. it was crazy cause with the people that just didnt understand..their tears seemed programed..and they tripped me out....and you just cant explain things...he would know what i meant cuz i love that boy)))))like pictures that you can feel..images or the people that you really dont think you can live without..... or most kids can probably relate to getting super trashed because you are just downright stupid -*i said it*- and then puking so hard the only thing you actually remember that night was what actually mattered to you..and that was probably images of the toilet or the trash can..... maybe a floor depending on how stupid you really are... some of us have only known eachother for a few years (some people it was probably months.. and those kids must have been really awesome at the time..)... and some have been childhood friends.. 3 or 10 years.. i know a lot of us feel, or have felt that we would give our life in a heartbeat if it meant our friends (family) would just be happy.not the happy you get from drugs the real happy..or to have eveyone that we love back again.. even for a minute like you can go back to a memory and stay in that memory but be happy forever and never care abut anything else..ahhh why cant it just be fucking summer again... you really dont realize what you have til its gone..in my case.. i realized everyone that cared but..if i knew then what i know now...
savor every moment you get if your lucky enough to be around somebody you actually LOVE (not including your mother)... not like a kid you've known and hung out with a long time or some chick/guy you wanna use and abuse..or some people that are fun but wouldnt give a shit if you needed them because you know that if it interfered with their plans, they most likely wouldnt do it unless it benifited them in some way.....but if you're with who i would give anything to have right now...you should be grateful you have them there and tell them how much they mean to you instead of focusing on the baby mamma drama BS some of you have been all hyped about...(most people really arent worth it..you're killing yourself) ..so I LOVE YOU GUYS .. i give you props if you read it at all after seeing how rediculously long it is.... and you know that some of you are probably too out of it to realize anything right now naturally or chemically anyway -*normally thats where i am..*-... or are like me now and are just needing space and time without the drama.. to try and be normal..cause ive stteeeered myself pretty clear of the henry county drama and gossip...i know all the drama stories but im not stupid enough to interfere..i havnt done anything to anyone really except stole some guys futon frame but really he was just going to get rid of it...and plus my back hurt, he didnt need it and i just really didnt care..but I really do think if you know people like you pretend to and love everyone enough like you claim *- not myspace love*- ;- ... my advice... stay away from the drama everyones getting into their own things and going different ways so only time will tell where we're going to be when this all isnt so insane...and we can all figure out whats real...i think everyone really needs space from all the teenage mutant stalker girls out for 2 things.. meh family..the boys the real blood nigga not that red shit that comes out ya veins its that blood you feel..they dont want to know them cause they care ((and almost everyone knows it....)) its -""cuz they're like oooh myyy gossssshhh so cute duh""- not only that but i guess the thing now is people with piercings and tattooss are automatically cool ...i guess your not hardcore unless you live harcore right! cause the legend on the rock was WAY hardcore.. and attention...((tip: please refrain from bugging everyone by throwing around words that are dead without truth...otherwise that huge "I'M FAKE " TATTOO on your forehead will become noticable.. not that you cant love somebody you dont really know and never really knew and couldnt really care about or know enough about probably enough for them to ever call you.. im not being mean just asking .dont say it to me if im going to know its not true..i can still get annoyed with you over myspace. and since i couldnt ever threaten you anyways cause that would be wrong and un-moral and just pointless unless i was bored i can still... DELETE YOU duh duh dun.. then oh no you'll only have 1 million people you dont care about left on myspace))).. and i probably dont want to talk to you anyway because you have some sort of fan club for people you dont even really KNOW... but their reasons for why make me want to hurt you secretly... but we cant ever find you cause you're probably in a tree with binochulars trying to figure out wigs number or scotties e mail from the post it's in my room and find out what kyle at for dinner....and the only reason anyone tolerates it is because god made pills that allow us to like people or just not really care about anything and "chill" and realize that they'll get tossed and will pass through like most people do...so in reality it would be pointless to waste your energy to wonder about them and even if they are super cool..just me personally... i have enough people to love.... i dont need anybody else in my life...im good with my boys and few gilrs that i love more than you... but we'll see who stays close in the end... and fought through this crap...**)........ so pretty much now i dont think too much.. which has caused me to get lazy..which if you know me.you would know that im lazy enough...my sister says im like a gypsy.... most people might agree... but im able to get what i need without ever really knowing how.. yet almost NEVER getting anything form mom and dad.... i think its karma..i give everything including my time and sanity which is why im broke but i manage to get by...and i dont have any sugar daddys and all my friends suck financially worse than i ever have cause school debts and house payments and flying kat to georgia (wyatt ps i love you) im guessing put them in the gutter...yet people are telling me that if i go to georgia they'll support me.. it just doesnt seem likely. not just that but i cant period..some of my family if you are my true friend you have seen or heard about the craziness....correct? and you think i should be in ga right now cause i need you and you need me..(cause were a happy family) and i should be away from these crazy people...cause you love me so you say....yes i know this... ..but as i will explain in my ramble...i need to focus on working to love them as much as i have loved all of you the past few years...cause thats important to me.. some people cant understand... most of you dont know that. i have to start treating my siblings and parents and shit like that as strongly and show i care as much now before i leave like ive done for you guys when you need it...i cant be selfish..i want to be there as much as you want me there...but, im poor and so are you...some of you that read this probably wont care... but for the ones that do and wont talk shit to make themseleves feel better.. i dont know..
quick question??? and coments...
the "scene" okay now PAUSE now notice the quotation marks. its because i would like someone to actaully explain to me the actual definition of what they think is "scene" without sounding like they were trying to be exactly what they just described (because i see like people making fun of all the scene of fassion kids i guess but in reality they probably speant more time looking for that perfect youth size black sweater that screams IM HARDCORE! and days looking for shoes that are different... so you can be "original" when in reality.. the only person that would really care besides your girlfriend ps. only dating you bacause you were in a band... and probably looked "mysterious" ((another tip..if you're alone at a show and you arent fat..as bad as it sounds somebody will probably hit on you..))and they hit on you case they say you're hot when you're the kind of person they make fun of with their friends all day because you're one of those "fassion kids"..whhatt...thhee..heeelll... why? seriously? if somebody wants to be "fassion" or "hardcore" or an "emo kid" or even one of those good charlotte kids that honestly think Sum 41 are awesome musicians and most likely get beat up in the mosh pits cause all the "hardcore!" kids would find out he's trash and probably beat him up for fun...cause it makes them look hardcore when in reality... he just beat up some kid that was probably like mentally unstable and didnt know what a mosh pit was... he could have thought people were swing dancing.. jeese! maybe he wanted to stomp on the floor cause his mom never let him before...and wanted to learn how to fling his arms really hard...just like the tuff hardcore kids do......
why does music make a person hardcore..
my brother is pretty hardcore.. he's one of those gangter men though
if you know me you'll know Uncle D lol and you prob look up to him.
cause he can get pretty hardcore..
i want to know why some people will go seriously out of their way to get to know kids in bands..its not the music they like..they go to shows hoping that cute lead singer will spot them and sing to them so everyone else can see..cool points just went up 100... yea! they like know the band! ROCK ON!!!and maybe like the bassit wink at you and give his a guitar pic to always remember him by....why is that cool? we shouldnt have to ever use the word groupies..and its not just with bands.. people always worship people they dont know.. and not only is it just sad but it is down right SCARY!... your life wont be anymore significant if you become one...ok true fact...most people in bands, unless they're from other countries they made their fortune in, are probably broke unless they've won lots and lots of big shiny awards and chances are then they're so used to being poor they go money crazy and screw their life up on drugs and have to start at square one..except now they suck cause they're shady and fiening and will probably steal your tv when you're not looking... and if they're THAT attractive they probably wont be in a comitted relationship anytime soon no matter how many boys said you were pretty so why waste your time trying to get down their pants...when for one you're getting yourself in yet another stupid position for pain and two it will probably just piss off their Real friends... cause they already laugh at kids like you but probably want to go cause they packed everything and are annoyed at the hundreds of kids like you they wanted to get violent with but couldnt cause then the 14 yr old sluts sue the 20 year old girls for abuse to a minor...cause all they wanted to do was save their friend or boyfriend from the killer groupies but that girl just wouldnt stop trying to get the drummer to go to prom with you...and shes so desperate that it would be "an honor" to become that girl they'd talk about for a day maybe to get some but forget about the next week... and he never did remember your name.
so all and all i dont really know everything i just wated my time typing.. im sure i sound repetative or complative illiterate...or sometimes a little bitchy but the truth is I DONT CARE!!!!!!!!!! CAUSE I HAVE A FUTON BED!!!!....and the laziness has now consumed me completely. cause anything softer than a floor/air matress or random freezing couch would be like spa treatment to me. This futon mixed with laziness a quite apartment and drugs that make you feel good....sleep is my poisen....and being able for once to realize that i could be helping me..was awesome cause im sick of it.. like physically sick.. not that i dont love calling without any response or e mailing with no reply... i just didnt have the enneerrggyyyy . and a lot of doctors just suck but the scientists who make the drugs rock!
I have to get really stirred up to care..about most things now for some reason... i feel like i just dont give a shit anymore... like i care about my friends/family yes...of course..ONE LOVE BROTHAS dont think i am avoiding anyone...dont think im on drugs (besides prescription meds) but i gave up on trying 100 times harder than everyone else... because chances are you wont reallllllyy want ME til im there... then its like you're going to die if you let me go.. you go crazy when i leave cause lalalalalalalalalala but a few weeks later... you're so okay with not talking to me infact that you just dont care to let me know you're alive. or for the fact that i would probably be freaking out had i not been so out of it i wasnt.
ITS STORY TIME FEELING..
i tend to do that try to explain what i feel by making a little piece of what i feel into a story that will probably end up confusing you even more.... sometimes i attempt to put things into lamens terms because i think the ordinary mind cant really comprehend what the hell im rambling about sometimes when m talking.
as oprah winfrey as this is about to sound...
i have already survived obstacles in my life....so i thought i was coming into this feeling as if i am a little built more prepared and kwnoladgable about being strong and showing that i can get through anything thrown at me... but my body had already been beaten from the many years of enduring different obstacles before and i was prepared for what i thought to expect.. ... but this wasnt just unexpected in my mind it was impossible and not logical.....
But they do say that what doesnt kill you..only makes you stronger right.
i guess it could go either way...you never prepare yourself for the unexpected though.... there was no way to be prepared for this.
.............
that to some people would seem like mountains.... but eventually become stepping stones for me...
people think you'd have to be fucking nuts to climb it without your team mates who are carrying the supplies as needed...you'd be lucky to come out carrying yourself period...but it is not logical to come out the same person...what you must have endured to get to the other side left scars that will never fade.. and the people who didnt just have to rely on themseleves took longer to learn how to make it across because they other team mates slowed them down and wasted supplies that should have never been touched in the first place.. so the other teammates suffered because thats one less teammate they could rely on... and so on.... until everyone was gone or you just took off to find the green grass on the other side (it was just the smarter choice rather than sit there and rot..you werent abandoning them...they seemed to be dead from all the stress they put on themseleves....)
i feel like since i left for california i did for a while rely sooo much so on my teammates aka georgia that i trusted with my life in their hands.. i didnt make it known because i was the one they put their life on..... and they reassured me that i could rely on them when in reality i should have never been so reliant on anything besides myself in the first place..and then i have all these people who supposedly not only put their life in the health of my hands but their sanity in my emotional support..
while trying to figure out what the hell is going on... and whats real...
so we're all going to cross that fucking mountain GOT IT!!!!!!!
some of you will get slowed down because of other peoples decisions but we've made it this far and we're not locked up in bars or padded rooms YET.. even though it may seem worse sometimes....we still have eachother... until someone falls out or gives up...
well im done with the kindergarten lesson but you guys know what i mean...
well maybe....
i have no idea why i speant like in total an hour of writing this....
i think its cause for the first time since i started meds i hadnt gone as nuts and last night til this morning i got that feeling back a little
so i put stress on myself.........
GODDDDDDDDDDD I EFIIN LOVE GATORADE!!!!!!!!!
DONT YOU!!!!!!!!
at least i tried... at least i got to the end of my ropes before i quit...but you wont ever know that cause you were to worried about YOU to care about the people that were putting themseleves last because you had their heart..... but didnt care or notice..you were probably drunk.
well... i hope i become even more emotionless.... so i can just not give a shit anymore... cause its better than going crazy because you were too stressed to put anyone but yourself first........
sooooo its fucking cold on the computer and i need sleep and to take ---another pill to kill the pain--
godddddd blesss the little children..even the ones that kill baby chickens..
AND/OR FAQ'S ANSWERED IN SOME...
1. DONT READ UNLESS YOU ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT ME AND/OR LOVE ME.
2. DONT COMPLAIN ABOUT HOW LONG IT IS OR HOW "EMOTIONAL" IT IS CAUSE YOU WOULDNT IF YOU ACTUALLY FOLLOWED RULE 1.
3. IF YOU'RE GOING TO COMMENT THIS...DONT BE A SMART ASS...THE ONLY REASON I WROTE IT IS CAUSE I VENTED ON THE COMPUTER..LIKE EVERYONE DOES AT SOME POINT IN THEIR LIFE...AND IF YOU DO OFFEND ME.. I'LL MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE AN IDIOT....SERIOUSLY..(JUST A WARNING)
4. I STARTED WRITING AND COULDNT STOP CAUSE I'M ANTI-SOCIAL NOW DUE TO MY EXTREME LAZINESS AND THIS IS THE OUTBURST FROM NOT LEAVING MY APARTMENT..WELL, BED SINCE I SAW JOEL /MITCH WHICH WAS OVER A WEEK AGO DUE TO LACK OF ACTUALLY CARING AND BEING SICK. (DONT JUDGE ME UNLESS YOUR NAME IS JOEL AND/OR YOU'RE ALMOST THE DEFINITION OF A PERFECT PERSON ;-) OR YOU CREATED THE WORLD IN A COUPLE OF BUISNESS DAYS)
5. DONT GET FRUSTRATED WHEN IT DOESNT MAKE SENSE.... I ONLY TYPED WHAT POPPED IN MY HEAD AND IT MIGHT NOT MAKE SENSE....AND FOR YOU GRAMMER OBSESSED PEOPLE MAY BE A TAD BIT ILLITERATE AT TIMES.. I DONT KNOW CAUSE I DONT PROOF READ WHEN I RAMBLE..WELL I DONT KNOW CAUSE I NEVER DO .. I DONT EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT THE HELL IM TALKING ABOUT OR WHAT IM TYPING REALLY. (THIS IS THE LONGEST BLOG YOU WILL EVER READ.. ITS NOT NECESSARY BUT IF YOU HAVE TIME TO KILL..*WHICH YOU DO IF YOU'RE ON MYSPACE OBVIOUSLY* WHY NOT..I GUESS..)
7. IF I SOUND CONTRADICTING...AGAIN DONT COMPLAIN WHEN YOU READ IT....AS A MATTER OF FACT IF YOU'RE GOING TO READ THIS WITHOUT FOLLOWING THE RULES.... >>>>^^^DONT EVEN SAY YOUR CLOSED MINDED ATTEMPTING TO SOUND WITTY OPINION ALOUD.... CHANCES ARE THE PERSON SITTING NEXT TO YOU DOESNT REAALLLLLYY WANT TO HEAR IT.~<<<<<< THEY PROBABLY DONT HONESTLY CARE ABOUT YOU AS MUCH AS YOU'D HOPE AND WILL FADE OUT OF YOUR LIFE SOMEDAY....SOON.
OR YOU WONT SAY ANYTHING OUT LOUD CAUSE ALL YOUR FRIENDS ARE MYSPACE INTERNET FRIENDS ANYWAY.. THEY LOVE YOU CAUSE THEY PROBABLY HAVNT FOUND OUT THAT YOUR ACCOUNT PICTURES ARE YOUR HOT NIEGHBOR AND YOU'LL INTRODUCE YOURSELF ON JERRY SPRINGER WHEN YOU'VE DIETED AND GOTTEN A FACIAL PEEL AND MAKEOVER.
6. IVE ALREADY GONE OVERBOARD WITH THE RULES...I FEEL LIKE I WASTED AN HOUR OF MY LIFE WITH THIS ALREADY....MAYBE IT WILL HELP SOME OF YOU...WHATEVER..I MIGHT SOUND MEAN BUT... IF YOU'RE NOT A PHONIE THEN NONE OF THAT WAS FOR YOU....PLUS IM ALWAYS NICE.. MAYBE TOO NICE AND IM IN A I DONT CARE IM IN THE REALLY DIZZY CRANKY RESTLESS JOELESS PILLESS RESENTFUL YET GRATEFUL WHATEVER IM NOT GOING TO CARE WHAT YOU THINK WHEN I DIE TYPE MOOD... AND IF THERE WAS SOMEONE I COULD CALL TO BITCH TOO RIGHT NOW THAT I THINK WOULD ANSWER AND NOT GET CONFUSED OR WOULD FEEL LIKE BITCHING WITH ME..ID ALREADY BE TALKING TO THEM... WELL I WAS TALKING TO HIM BUT HE WAS LATE FOR WORK BECAUSE OF IT.
F-----WORD!!!!!!!!! IM ADDICTED TO THE FEELING OF THIS KEYBOARD.... AND IM GETTING ANNOYED WHEN PEOPLE LEAVE ME COMMENTS THAT DONT PUT A SMILE ON MY FACE WHEN I HARDLY KNOW THEM. AND THEN WHEN I REALIZED I HAVNT DELETED THEM ALREADY.. UGH PEOPLE JUST SEEM LIKE THEY SUCK... AND MOST OF THEM DONT CARE THAT THEY DO..
YEA MORE POWER TO THEM... SOMEDAY WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE..
HOW DO YOU WANT TO BE REMEMBERD?..SERIOUSLY? AND HOW MUCH DOES THAT SHIT MATTER TO YOU WHEN YOU'RE DEAD ANYWAYS... AND WHO REALLY CARES WHEN PEOPLE TALK CRAP... JUST DO SOMETHING COOL LIKE PISS IN THEIR SHAMPOO AND CONDITIONER BOTTLES... THEN YOU'LL SMILE...AND PROBABLY MAKE OTHER PEOPLE TOO.
IM DONE..
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LIKE I SAID.... FOLLOW THE RULES... ESPECIALLY NUMBER 1... THIS IS ME... IF YOU DONT I REPEAT DONT KNOW ME OR DONT CARE TO OR YOUR NAME IS RYAN THAN DO ME AND YOU A FAVOR..DELETE ME FROM YOUR FRIENDS LIST..IM PROBABLY JUST TO LAZY TO DELETE YOU MYSELF.... OR I JUST REALLY DONT CARE ENOUGH.
When i wrote this it was actually like 5 hours after starting it and i was really confused as to what i said first cause my this little journal seemed like it got mixed up so if i said the same thing twice... blame it on a bad computer.
im just now winding down from having that feeling..that worry/scared feeling i got when they told me rob was missing... i nearly had a heart attack when i couldnt get ahold of alex..... and i refuse to actually over re-act in this in front of people because this is what you'll eventually learn..
some people do care some people dont care...which will really never effect how much you love them cause since im already passed the working my ass off for nothing but to get worried and let down and lied to. im at the i dont wonder how much the love me anymore... i wonder if it matters anymore..
my feelings wont change... i just want to be dead to the world for a while. im not saying that in that UGGH FEEL BAD FOR ME IM SO SAD bullshit tone im saying that in the i really probably will just dissapear for a while unless you make the effort...
i give up.... i never thought id say that but... i dont care anymore... i cant do it cause i would end up somewhere that i got force fed happy pills 3 times a day...which you know would actually be awesome.. but im a vegetarian and i heard they force you to eat meatloaf.....greasy meat loaf... and milk... i dont believe in drinking milk...
some people really are just good people.... they dont pity you so much as just feel your pain....thats okay sometimes....you dont really care though its not something you would actually appriciate... the most annoying thing is hearing your stories about when your dog died in fith grade when im sitting here telling you i just want people to stop driving me nuts with it...
but the worst is pity....pity is like something you feel for the animals who will never get adopted and you wanna find a home.....ie having pity for pitying..looking down upon someone as unfortunate when really at least i used to know what its like to feel.....people say they're sorry and wanna hug you when they dont know you when honestly im more bothered at the fact that they brought it up.... ...pity is the kind of UNWANTED attention and that fake "just for show" care that doesnt draw you closer to them like they'd hope...it probably just pisses you off....cause you know they're probably doing it so they have a reason to feel sorry for themselves ...cause if they did they could cry about something people would give them attention about **you want that pathetic cry for attention..so much so that you would stopp as low as to use things that matter as tools for your attention problem no matter how much it gets to some people**((but some of you wont actually get it til your grand kids teach you cause hopefully they wont be as brain washed by life....or what the hardcore kids call "scene"..im not talking crap...im venting.)) ....and he could never understand what its like to really worry about something that matters..matters so much you cant imagine living life without....weather you'll come out and tell people that or not...its the kind of bond you get on shrooms times 100 or the kind of bond where your heart being whole rely's on that person keeping you strong...kids tell you not to worry but they havnt been on that side of the bubble... like getting stressed about getting into a better..and more expesive university. ((reality check..most people that actually dedicate that many pointless years and stress and money end up being the depressed lonely poor ones who work 9-5 and have fantasies about never waking up)) ((most people think they're invincible... and it wont be until their death til they realize...oh wait im not)) and they go on living their life with the normal childish things worrying about how close they could get to people that were "cool" or really just people they could get attention from acting like they actually know the person (((when in reality they have no fucking clue..they probably talked to them when they were wasted or at a show or a social gathering..and chances are.... you havnt affected their life in any way.. and they probably couldnt spot you in a crowd)))((this is a whole other novel to pointlessly ramble on about)) i used to be care free and didnt worry about anything.... for months thought my life was going to be okay... that god's going to realize how good ive been and do for me the only thing ive ever wanted..which is whatever it takes for my friends/my family. to be happy.... things were going good for more than a day which is already different but for weeks before something happened i KNEW like im sure a lot of people say this or think this but... i did know something huge was coming to my life...something baaddd i told joel days even weeks before.. and he believed me when i said someones going to pass away..someone veerrrryy close to me.. so right off the bat im thinking okay..someone in my family that i loved and held verrrryyy close to me.. and i was right.. out of any of the friends to consider family it was the main person i thought of as family... well it was the real definition of the word friend.. i told joel(well joel told me too, which was creepy too) its that kind of worry that's overdramatic like when your best freind hasnt called you or answered your calls for days (im being sarcastic cause its actually been weeks and im trying not to go crazy) ... in reality an optimistic person would tell you they're probably out of town on some god-fearin' mission trip (at best but not logical..seriously...), having too much fun getting trashed to care, or are on hard drugs and are in that sketched out druggy mode(((but you'll never hear it from them, cause they avoid you when they're guilty...well.. i wouldnt say guilty i would use shady.cause once you're life is in drugs..you tend to not realize it til your out but you only gear towards people that are going to support your bad habits...or make you think its okay cause even though its only been a week of doing it...you're probably already an addict and already dont notice the people who actually cared when it mattered. *phew*))) but you think the worst like they got kidnapped or killed....
well, i have a good reason to worry..... last time it happened i told kayla to tell jess not to worry cause he's probably just drunk and passed out somewhere far... or like his car broke down or something... and come to find out the next day i was dead wrong...
i woke up just feeling like i wanted to puke cause that twisting feeling in your gut is telling you to prepare yourself and your heart just drops...
and it didnt help that i woke up to the most annoying stalker guy ever... who wakes me up by banging on josh's door early in the morning telling me my dad was worried cause he hadnt heard from me all night... and i was already cranky cause i only got an hour of sleep due to staying up the night before cause i had that "bad feeling" that feeling i was talking about earlier. and then had a bottle of wine to attempt to get rid of that feeling when in reality its making it worse cause when you wake up the reality of it was you really cant remember but chances are you probably stayed up all night by yourself cause all your friends passed out or got "busy" so you were on the internet typing e mails to people (most likely on myspace) telling them you love them and miss them or leaving drunk comments but not remembering who or what you said... or you cried because the one person that can make that bad feeling go away... the one person who would care to do it.. isnt here anymore... but for some reason when i drank.... i probably believed and saw he wasnt gone ... i mean shit that night i couldve talked to jesus but i didnt remember...
you know you've had too much to drink when::
you dont know why you're so emotional
or it could go the other way and you could just be an asshole to everyone
you've probably called someone you havnt talked to in a long time... and chances are after you've remembered that you've called...you'll probably erase their number due to 1.it was a hate call (those are more fun sometimes) or 2. one of those love calls. (these are just hilarious but really stupid) .... drunk calls are just retarded period.
It's hard to describe that feeling i had but for some reason it made me want to run and keep running til i left everything and everyone and every feeling and memory ive ever had..... get just erase life.. that feeling where you actually kind of think it would be better to have never loved at all than to loved and lost but at the same time feeling guilty for it cause you couldnt imagine your life if you hadnt met him.
and just thinking about life without that person seemed like such a pointless life at all.
ahhh im in like blah mode.....
the medications making me almost hibernate everyday and when i do leave my apartment..or just get out of bed period i almost have to force myself to move... if I didnt start hyperventlating I'd forget to breathe..really.. i just am that rediculously lazy... its cause i do what i want.. not what other people want me to do now...my mind is so clear that my reality isnt so confused anymore its just blank...and i dont know if thats good... so my thoughts arent all fucked up.. my mom said it like this cause supposedly she knew all along how i was feeling cause you know..moms got that crazy intuition shit.(its kind of freaky) and she put it soorrttt of like this "if you were to act out the way you felt in your head you'd be in a place with nice padded walls heavy medication and lots of supervision." when really i could do with a heavy dosage of effexor xs and a beer.. put me around someone who thinks everythings funny......and i'll be entertained for a while.... i just..... dont really have thoughts... that kind of thinking when you just wake up after dreaming of white (i dont know cause nobody really knows the truth about dreams) and your thoughts are blank for a single second... or you'll watch tv..but not really be watching cause thinking means soon i'll be stressed.... if i have to think ill think too deep and screw myself over and the physical pain and mental retardation i seem to have gotten just isnt worth it...so now id rather just not think..so lay there and almost meditate while only moving when i reallllyyyy need something like the phone or a cigarette or another pillow (which really i might get someone else to do it all cause im sick physically and mentally so i can do that to people..and not feel bad..try it seriously*its like taking advantage of the whole pity thing..cause you deserve it.. sometimes voluntary slavery is awesome..you cant feel bad cause they offer... but its really annoying when you THINK enough to remember how annoying those people really are.. they worship someone cause they're in more pain.... or because they probably think people will like them more if they're associated with.. i dont know its just the whole attention thing.. i wont give a shit when im not thinking but when im freaking out i have to pull back from not being as sweet as i normally am.. because things like that seem soo stupid to get bothered by.. robert told me in december when i was getting pissed at majority of people period (except my boys and my 3 girls) to just and i qoute "let it fucking go..you're stressing yourself out" which for one was true... and almost everyone still is and 2 most of us know who our REAL friends are already... not the people we're nice to or the people that say "i love you" when all you can think when you read that is how much you want to just ask why the hell do you say you love me when i probably dont know where you came from. or how i met you or your name for that matter....and i know now cause with everything that happned the first time.. ..its the people that just came together in the squad after all that bullshit drama last summer and the last few years..putting the petty crap aside and opening up yourself in front of everyone -the alcohol helped that one- and there was always that one person you asked for when you were at the end of the rope who you just knew one way or another they saved your life....and whatever sanity you could salvage...even if we did only come together for a short time again.. it was something i know no drug or person could ever make us forget ((I WISH everyone could still love and put the bullshit aside but thats asking for a miricle at this point if you know whats really going on)) we were together through the good times....we still held on through the bad when we didnt have to ((for some reason i thought of kyle when we became closer after being on bad terms for like a month for no reason...the only reason i stopped resenting him is cause he said he loved me to death and i dont know when you talk shit through with people youll probably figure out theres really not a reason you shouldnt still love them..))sometimes people were a little drunk or just crazy in the head and the company of eachother for some reason kept some of us alive...not just anyone but like the presence of certain people that made just felt right when everything else seemed like it was spinning nothing made sense but the only thing that you can visually remember is a few short clips of faces ((((((ok for ex.... my wigger wam is one...when everything seemed crazy and kind of straight up effin scary... when i thought i was insane cause really it felt like besides a few people...the world was really empty..and i lived in a dream/nightmare reality...everything was just blurry....and surreal and i felt like i was on drugs permanantly..but having a bad trip...and i think last week was the first time since december i didnt feel like life was fake... its cause meds really did help..just with calming me a little... but before that for some reason i would see Wig..and at times he could make me feel safe...maybe cause we understood eachother it seems when nobody else really knew.. some people might have...i just didnt share my mind like that with some people ii doonnttt know..its not something you can verbally describe.. someone has to just know...like wig. it was crazy cause with the people that just didnt understand..their tears seemed programed..and they tripped me out....and you just cant explain things...he would know what i meant cuz i love that boy)))))like pictures that you can feel..images or the people that you really dont think you can live without..... or most kids can probably relate to getting super trashed because you are just downright stupid -*i said it*- and then puking so hard the only thing you actually remember that night was what actually mattered to you..and that was probably images of the toilet or the trash can..... maybe a floor depending on how stupid you really are... some of us have only known eachother for a few years (some people it was probably months.. and those kids must have been really awesome at the time..)... and some have been childhood friends.. 3 or 10 years.. i know a lot of us feel, or have felt that we would give our life in a heartbeat if it meant our friends (family) would just be happy.not the happy you get from drugs the real happy..or to have eveyone that we love back again.. even for a minute like you can go back to a memory and stay in that memory but be happy forever and never care abut anything else..ahhh why cant it just be fucking summer again... you really dont realize what you have til its gone..in my case.. i realized everyone that cared but..if i knew then what i know now...
savor every moment you get if your lucky enough to be around somebody you actually LOVE (not including your mother)... not like a kid you've known and hung out with a long time or some chick/guy you wanna use and abuse..or some people that are fun but wouldnt give a shit if you needed them because you know that if it interfered with their plans, they most likely wouldnt do it unless it benifited them in some way.....but if you're with who i would give anything to have right now...you should be grateful you have them there and tell them how much they mean to you instead of focusing on the baby mamma drama BS some of you have been all hyped about...(most people really arent worth it..you're killing yourself) ..so I LOVE YOU GUYS .. i give you props if you read it at all after seeing how rediculously long it is.... and you know that some of you are probably too out of it to realize anything right now naturally or chemically anyway -*normally thats where i am..*-... or are like me now and are just needing space and time without the drama.. to try and be normal..cause ive stteeeered myself pretty clear of the henry county drama and gossip...i know all the drama stories but im not stupid enough to interfere..i havnt done anything to anyone really except stole some guys futon frame but really he was just going to get rid of it...and plus my back hurt, he didnt need it and i just really didnt care..but I really do think if you know people like you pretend to and love everyone enough like you claim *- not myspace love*- ;- ... my advice... stay away from the drama everyones getting into their own things and going different ways so only time will tell where we're going to be when this all isnt so insane...and we can all figure out whats real...i think everyone really needs space from all the teenage mutant stalker girls out for 2 things.. meh family..the boys the real blood nigga not that red shit that comes out ya veins its that blood you feel..they dont want to know them cause they care ((and almost everyone knows it....)) its -""cuz they're like oooh myyy gossssshhh so cute duh""- not only that but i guess the thing now is people with piercings and tattooss are automatically cool ...i guess your not hardcore unless you live harcore right! cause the legend on the rock was WAY hardcore.. and attention...((tip: please refrain from bugging everyone by throwing around words that are dead without truth...otherwise that huge "I'M FAKE " TATTOO on your forehead will become noticable.. not that you cant love somebody you dont really know and never really knew and couldnt really care about or know enough about probably enough for them to ever call you.. im not being mean just asking .dont say it to me if im going to know its not true..i can still get annoyed with you over myspace. and since i couldnt ever threaten you anyways cause that would be wrong and un-moral and just pointless unless i was bored i can still... DELETE YOU duh duh dun.. then oh no you'll only have 1 million people you dont care about left on myspace))).. and i probably dont want to talk to you anyway because you have some sort of fan club for people you dont even really KNOW... but their reasons for why make me want to hurt you secretly... but we cant ever find you cause you're probably in a tree with binochulars trying to figure out wigs number or scotties e mail from the post it's in my room and find out what kyle at for dinner....and the only reason anyone tolerates it is because god made pills that allow us to like people or just not really care about anything and "chill" and realize that they'll get tossed and will pass through like most people do...so in reality it would be pointless to waste your energy to wonder about them and even if they are super cool..just me personally... i have enough people to love.... i dont need anybody else in my life...im good with my boys and few gilrs that i love more than you... but we'll see who stays close in the end... and fought through this crap...**)........ so pretty much now i dont think too much.. which has caused me to get lazy..which if you know me.you would know that im lazy enough...my sister says im like a gypsy.... most people might agree... but im able to get what i need without ever really knowing how.. yet almost NEVER getting anything form mom and dad.... i think its karma..i give everything including my time and sanity which is why im broke but i manage to get by...and i dont have any sugar daddys and all my friends suck financially worse than i ever have cause school debts and house payments and flying kat to georgia (wyatt ps i love you) im guessing put them in the gutter...yet people are telling me that if i go to georgia they'll support me.. it just doesnt seem likely. not just that but i cant period..some of my family if you are my true friend you have seen or heard about the craziness....correct? and you think i should be in ga right now cause i need you and you need me..(cause were a happy family) and i should be away from these crazy people...cause you love me so you say....yes i know this... ..but as i will explain in my ramble...i need to focus on working to love them as much as i have loved all of you the past few years...cause thats important to me.. some people cant understand... most of you dont know that. i have to start treating my siblings and parents and shit like that as strongly and show i care as much now before i leave like ive done for you guys when you need it...i cant be selfish..i want to be there as much as you want me there...but, im poor and so are you...some of you that read this probably wont care... but for the ones that do and wont talk shit to make themseleves feel better.. i dont know..
quick question??? and coments...
the "scene" okay now PAUSE now notice the quotation marks. its because i would like someone to actaully explain to me the actual definition of what they think is "scene" without sounding like they were trying to be exactly what they just described (because i see like people making fun of all the scene of fassion kids i guess but in reality they probably speant more time looking for that perfect youth size black sweater that screams IM HARDCORE! and days looking for shoes that are different... so you can be "original" when in reality.. the only person that would really care besides your girlfriend ps. only dating you bacause you were in a band... and probably looked "mysterious" ((another tip..if you're alone at a show and you arent fat..as bad as it sounds somebody will probably hit on you..))and they hit on you case they say you're hot when you're the kind of person they make fun of with their friends all day because you're one of those "fassion kids"..whhatt...thhee..heeelll... why? seriously? if somebody wants to be "fassion" or "hardcore" or an "emo kid" or even one of those good charlotte kids that honestly think Sum 41 are awesome musicians and most likely get beat up in the mosh pits cause all the "hardcore!" kids would find out he's trash and probably beat him up for fun...cause it makes them look hardcore when in reality... he just beat up some kid that was probably like mentally unstable and didnt know what a mosh pit was... he could have thought people were swing dancing.. jeese! maybe he wanted to stomp on the floor cause his mom never let him before...and wanted to learn how to fling his arms really hard...just like the tuff hardcore kids do......
why does music make a person hardcore..
my brother is pretty hardcore.. he's one of those gangter men though
if you know me you'll know Uncle D lol and you prob look up to him.
cause he can get pretty hardcore..
i want to know why some people will go seriously out of their way to get to know kids in bands..its not the music they like..they go to shows hoping that cute lead singer will spot them and sing to them so everyone else can see..cool points just went up 100... yea! they like know the band! ROCK ON!!!and maybe like the bassit wink at you and give his a guitar pic to always remember him by....why is that cool? we shouldnt have to ever use the word groupies..and its not just with bands.. people always worship people they dont know.. and not only is it just sad but it is down right SCARY!... your life wont be anymore significant if you become one...ok true fact...most people in bands, unless they're from other countries they made their fortune in, are probably broke unless they've won lots and lots of big shiny awards and chances are then they're so used to being poor they go money crazy and screw their life up on drugs and have to start at square one..except now they suck cause they're shady and fiening and will probably steal your tv when you're not looking... and if they're THAT attractive they probably wont be in a comitted relationship anytime soon no matter how many boys said you were pretty so why waste your time trying to get down their pants...when for one you're getting yourself in yet another stupid position for pain and two it will probably just piss off their Real friends... cause they already laugh at kids like you but probably want to go cause they packed everything and are annoyed at the hundreds of kids like you they wanted to get violent with but couldnt cause then the 14 yr old sluts sue the 20 year old girls for abuse to a minor...cause all they wanted to do was save their friend or boyfriend from the killer groupies but that girl just wouldnt stop trying to get the drummer to go to prom with you...and shes so desperate that it would be "an honor" to become that girl they'd talk about for a day maybe to get some but forget about the next week... and he never did remember your name.
so all and all i dont really know everything i just wated my time typing.. im sure i sound repetative or complative illiterate...or sometimes a little bitchy but the truth is I DONT CARE!!!!!!!!!! CAUSE I HAVE A FUTON BED!!!!....and the laziness has now consumed me completely. cause anything softer than a floor/air matress or random freezing couch would be like spa treatment to me. This futon mixed with laziness a quite apartment and drugs that make you feel good....sleep is my poisen....and being able for once to realize that i could be helping me..was awesome cause im sick of it.. like physically sick.. not that i dont love calling without any response or e mailing with no reply... i just didnt have the enneerrggyyyy . and a lot of doctors just suck but the scientists who make the drugs rock!
I have to get really stirred up to care..about most things now for some reason... i feel like i just dont give a shit anymore... like i care about my friends/family yes...of course..ONE LOVE BROTHAS dont think i am avoiding anyone...dont think im on drugs (besides prescription meds) but i gave up on trying 100 times harder than everyone else... because chances are you wont reallllllyy want ME til im there... then its like you're going to die if you let me go.. you go crazy when i leave cause lalalalalalalalalala but a few weeks later... you're so okay with not talking to me infact that you just dont care to let me know you're alive. or for the fact that i would probably be freaking out had i not been so out of it i wasnt.
ITS STORY TIME FEELING..
i tend to do that try to explain what i feel by making a little piece of what i feel into a story that will probably end up confusing you even more.... sometimes i attempt to put things into lamens terms because i think the ordinary mind cant really comprehend what the hell im rambling about sometimes when m talking.
as oprah winfrey as this is about to sound...
i have already survived obstacles in my life....so i thought i was coming into this feeling as if i am a little built more prepared and kwnoladgable about being strong and showing that i can get through anything thrown at me... but my body had already been beaten from the many years of enduring different obstacles before and i was prepared for what i thought to expect.. ... but this wasnt just unexpected in my mind it was impossible and not logical.....
But they do say that what doesnt kill you..only makes you stronger right.
i guess it could go either way...you never prepare yourself for the unexpected though.... there was no way to be prepared for this.
.............
that to some people would seem like mountains.... but eventually become stepping stones for me...
people think you'd have to be fucking nuts to climb it without your team mates who are carrying the supplies as needed...you'd be lucky to come out carrying yourself period...but it is not logical to come out the same person...what you must have endured to get to the other side left scars that will never fade.. and the people who didnt just have to rely on themseleves took longer to learn how to make it across because they other team mates slowed them down and wasted supplies that should have never been touched in the first place.. so the other teammates suffered because thats one less teammate they could rely on... and so on.... until everyone was gone or you just took off to find the green grass on the other side (it was just the smarter choice rather than sit there and rot..you werent abandoning them...they seemed to be dead from all the stress they put on themseleves....)
i feel like since i left for california i did for a while rely sooo much so on my teammates aka georgia that i trusted with my life in their hands.. i didnt make it known because i was the one they put their life on..... and they reassured me that i could rely on them when in reality i should have never been so reliant on anything besides myself in the first place..and then i have all these people who supposedly not only put their life in the health of my hands but their sanity in my emotional support..
while trying to figure out what the hell is going on... and whats real...
so we're all going to cross that fucking mountain GOT IT!!!!!!!
some of you will get slowed down because of other peoples decisions but we've made it this far and we're not locked up in bars or padded rooms YET.. even though it may seem worse sometimes....we still have eachother... until someone falls out or gives up...
well im done with the kindergarten lesson but you guys know what i mean...
well maybe....
i have no idea why i speant like in total an hour of writing this....
i think its cause for the first time since i started meds i hadnt gone as nuts and last night til this morning i got that feeling back a little
so i put stress on myself.........
GODDDDDDDDDDD I EFIIN LOVE GATORADE!!!!!!!!!
DONT YOU!!!!!!!!
at least i tried... at least i got to the end of my ropes before i quit...but you wont ever know that cause you were to worried about YOU to care about the people that were putting themseleves last because you had their heart..... but didnt care or notice..you were probably drunk.
well... i hope i become even more emotionless.... so i can just not give a shit anymore... cause its better than going crazy because you were too stressed to put anyone but yourself first........
sooooo its fucking cold on the computer and i need sleep and to take ---another pill to kill the pain--
godddddd blesss the little children..even the ones that kill baby chickens..