thinking out loud.
it's pathetic. i'm pathetic.
as the previous entries have all been about.. this weekend is the drive back up to potsdam for the start of the spring semester. i'm not excited. i'm not the least bit happy or anxious about any of it. and i wish i knew all of why.
as it was for most of us.. the day we were finally able to return to long island for our blessed winter vacation couldn't come fast enough. from the countdowns on dorm doors to the countdowns in just about everyone's profiles, the thought of being reunited with the people and the things of our past was extrememly invigorating. all of what we knew and were familiar with for all our lives was suddenly something to look forward to seeing once again.
a month has come and come since then.. a month, for me, without a care in the world. it was incredible to say the very least. but as the college kids, one by one, slowly started to return to their respective schools, most of them realized for the first time how much they were just itching to go back. winter break was enjoyable.. fun while it lasted.. but time to get back into the swing of things. and i completely understand that way of thinking.
i just don't feel it for myself. and deep down, i sort of wish i did.
i have just about two days left here.. and already.. i have that feeling of 'i can't wait until the next time i'm home again' building up. and i'll be the first one to admit that it's sad.. it truly is. but i want to be here. i have nothing that's pulling me back to potsdam. and this isn't saying that i don't like my friends while i'm at school or that the only reason i hate it is because i'm 400 miles away from someone i love with all my heart, but above all other things.. i've changed. i'm a different person at school. and i don't particularly like the person i've become there.
but the funny thing is, six months ago when all of us eager freshman packed up the car and headed off to college for the very first time.. i didn't doubt myself one bit. adjusting to this new lifestyle was something i thought i was prepared for.. even a little enthusiastic about. no one person expressed feelings of concern or worry that i would be the one to struggle through this extreme adjustment period. and i honestly didn't think i would either.
but i guess i had everyone including myself fooled.
wouldn't you think?
i really wish i knew what would come of all of this...
as the previous entries have all been about.. this weekend is the drive back up to potsdam for the start of the spring semester. i'm not excited. i'm not the least bit happy or anxious about any of it. and i wish i knew all of why.
as it was for most of us.. the day we were finally able to return to long island for our blessed winter vacation couldn't come fast enough. from the countdowns on dorm doors to the countdowns in just about everyone's profiles, the thought of being reunited with the people and the things of our past was extrememly invigorating. all of what we knew and were familiar with for all our lives was suddenly something to look forward to seeing once again.
a month has come and come since then.. a month, for me, without a care in the world. it was incredible to say the very least. but as the college kids, one by one, slowly started to return to their respective schools, most of them realized for the first time how much they were just itching to go back. winter break was enjoyable.. fun while it lasted.. but time to get back into the swing of things. and i completely understand that way of thinking.
i just don't feel it for myself. and deep down, i sort of wish i did.
i have just about two days left here.. and already.. i have that feeling of 'i can't wait until the next time i'm home again' building up. and i'll be the first one to admit that it's sad.. it truly is. but i want to be here. i have nothing that's pulling me back to potsdam. and this isn't saying that i don't like my friends while i'm at school or that the only reason i hate it is because i'm 400 miles away from someone i love with all my heart, but above all other things.. i've changed. i'm a different person at school. and i don't particularly like the person i've become there.
but the funny thing is, six months ago when all of us eager freshman packed up the car and headed off to college for the very first time.. i didn't doubt myself one bit. adjusting to this new lifestyle was something i thought i was prepared for.. even a little enthusiastic about. no one person expressed feelings of concern or worry that i would be the one to struggle through this extreme adjustment period. and i honestly didn't think i would either.
but i guess i had everyone including myself fooled.
wouldn't you think?
i really wish i knew what would come of all of this...