I'M NOT O-FUCKING-KAY!!!
So a lot has been on my mind lately! A LOT! School-past relationships with a Drew/ and friends who have completely turned their back on me-This whole new girl situation-money.. Oh man, I'm sure I could go on and on and on..
I don't want to spend too much time on here, as it is 12:49 right now, but I took a power nap earlier so who knows, maybe I'll do some more writting....but a lot has been on my mind. Let's start with the happy.
The concert on Friday. Well, to short it up. We met up, left Adrian just a little before 7. The whole way there was just awesome, her and I could never run out of things to talk about it seems. We finally get there, and of course the Blind Pig is the worst place to find a parking spot, but we eventually did. Well, we got there and in line and waited for a while.....There were a loooot of people. Some guy with long hair came by soon and was yelling- the show is sold out. Ehh.. Sooo yeah.. That sucked, but either way it was alright, possibly even better this way. We ended up walking around down town from 8:30 until around11:30.. It was just over all grand, and I could not complain at all......BUT! I still don't feel like there is that connection there that I want and need. It sucks! Everything else just seems soo right, and theres a lot of qualities that she has that I just want next to me the rest of my life. I don't know what it is with me.....and some people I am aquainted with.. but I just long for that extra love.. I just want it now, and I want to know that it will be with me for the rest of my life. I dunno, I'm way too emo. So, I've been kinda stressing out about that. But after Ann Arbor we came back in town looking for somewhere to eat..We ended up going to Ghost Tressle, because she had heard about it before. Well, we went under it, and I had just got done telling her how I didn't really get scared at those types of places, and then a train went by over our heads! The car was shaking really bad and there were some crazy noises comming from that train. We both screamed! It was sooooooo funny!!! We went to Rally's afterwards, and I ended up getting her home at around 2 in the morning..I had such a good time. But yeah......still bugging me.
More girls have been showing more interest in me. It's neat and all...but it's just not the girls that I am looking for at all. Why is it that all the pretty girls who like to party and do the whole drinking thing want to talk to me? ..that is nothing that I want. Don't get me wrong, if I were you average agnostic believer, I'd say, "Hell yeah, these girls are aiiiight nigga, les do it!" ..but no. Anyways, a friend wants to hook me up with her friend, who is super cool... but agian with the drinking thing. I just can't do it. I figure I'll give it a chance though, probably go out with them and see if anything can be done. Hah.. I'm so dumb, but it's a good fealing. The whole new years girl is still talking to me. Agian, not too bad of a person, and not that bad looking- just..naah.. Then a girl at vo-tech has been extremely flurtacious (SP?) lately. She's gourgous! and an over all awesome girl..........but again....naaah! I just can't. I hate to say it...but I've been missing Drew. I miss all the great times that we had..and all the awesome things that we could have had. We had so much in common, and so many of the same values. She had to screw it up. I look back at that....and I don't know. It makes me very dissappointed. I never want to be that sad agian. She freaking broke my heart into 5 trillion and 3 pieces. (I counted) I also look back at the people I thought I trusted. Relating to the Drew situation - Matt. Not only Matt, but another guy that I'm not supposed to even know about-Ben. To my face he was the nicest guy in the world, but behind my back all he wanted was my girlfriend! Oh my God, I can't tell you how hurtful this is. It goes to show you that you just can't trust anyone. I went to church with this guy!! WOW! ..I mean, how am I supposed to trust people if I can't even trust people at church!?!?!?!??? Now away from Drew. Friends I used to have.......it bugs me a lot that alcohol and drugs and girls and school and other people can seperate people soooo much! Kyle Hart. That kid and I talked on the phone every night for hours about our problems. Him and I were brothers. He told me at one time that I was one of the only people that he would take a bullet for. That means a lot. I trusted that kid, but I don't know if I can anymore. He'd rather do other shiez.. It drives me nuts.. All he ever calls me for anymore is if he needs something......Cd's and such.. I mean, it sucks! It hurts soo bad! There are a lot of other examples that I could put up here too (Jason, Alex, and even Adam now:() but the only other one that means the world to me is Drew. What the fuck? Honestly? We get in this whole fight thing, and we made up, and I havent talked to the bitch since. Why the hell did we even make up? I thought it was going to be the way it was. Back before we even dated. Back when that girl was the best friend I had. Back when we stayed up late talking about how bad this world is and what to expect the next. That girl is going soooo far down the drain...and I want to be there so bad to pull her out of it. But how am I supposed to? It's like.........ok........(EXAMPLE) My Mom tells me to wait outside this building, I love my Mom. So I wait. It turns out that she ran out the back door and left me there. I wait for ten years. I start to get impatient. It's taking her soo long, why would she do this to me? ..any idiot could tell you that my Mom obviosly does not love me if she would do that. So when she comes back and asks me for a hug.......what? (END) Do people really even care about me? I dunno if that was a good example or not...but how can people expect me to be there for them, and help them when they won't do shit for me. I'm so sick of it! I'm sick of being the good guy all the time. ..Deep down I want to be mean to these people that come crawling back, but I just can't. (ANOTHER EXAMPLE, this ones true.) My friend Elvis, from Elementary school. He had a rough life growing up, doesnt live with parents, you get the picture.. Well, we never hang out. I gave him a warm place to sleep in and welcomed him.... well months go by, and I get a phone call...a ride. Ok, I'll do it..thinking it will only be everyonce and a while...nope. The kid called me like everyday for a ride...I'm sorry, but thats taking it over the line. Then he calls and wants a ride to Detroit! ..My Mom offered to take him to Detroit on Christmas eve.......he didn't show up. (END) You see, it's just like people use me as their own personal back up parachute!..no thanks! I'm sick of that role. It makes me not want to meet any new people in fear of this cycle to just continue...why? It bugs me beyond belief! I'm sorry for all the words I don't usually use in my vocabulary, but I'm just a little upset tonight. I want things to be perfect. I want a good Job, I want an awesome wife, I want good friends, I want a nice car, I want money, and I want to be closer to the person I live for...........it all seems impossible at this time!! It sucks! I'm looking at schools now too. I want to go to a nice sized (bigger city maybe) technical school. I want to go do collision repair and eventually do custom car painting and be one of the best damned body workers/ painters in Michigan......maybe you'll see me on pimp my ride.......or I'll have my own show. Heh, yeah, anyways........so, cash is slim..and all I'm doing now is waiting to get our taxes back, so we can fill out the financial aide forms to see really how much I'm gonna get. I don't have money set aside, my grades are bad, and I haven't taken my ACT..it just all seems like.........wow Eric, what else can go wrong. So it's almost looking like I may not be able to persue what I want to do. I can't find the right college either. I like what I've seen from UTI and also Lincoln Tech, but.......we'll see.. I almost want to just get away. But theres some people that I will of course miss. I'll miss my best friend in the whole world Ben. I know this kid will never turn his back on me, and I'll never do it to him. I thank God every night for this kid. Agian, I am soooooooooooooooooo sorry that this is this huge rant, I know this whole thing is not attractive at all, and I too dislike seeing depressing things in journals, but I just needed to get it off of my chest I guess...and just going through things in my head while typing them seems to help me. I guess I need prayer. Help me out guys. ..sorry agian. Have a great week!!! :)
I don't want to spend too much time on here, as it is 12:49 right now, but I took a power nap earlier so who knows, maybe I'll do some more writting....but a lot has been on my mind. Let's start with the happy.
The concert on Friday. Well, to short it up. We met up, left Adrian just a little before 7. The whole way there was just awesome, her and I could never run out of things to talk about it seems. We finally get there, and of course the Blind Pig is the worst place to find a parking spot, but we eventually did. Well, we got there and in line and waited for a while.....There were a loooot of people. Some guy with long hair came by soon and was yelling- the show is sold out. Ehh.. Sooo yeah.. That sucked, but either way it was alright, possibly even better this way. We ended up walking around down town from 8:30 until around11:30.. It was just over all grand, and I could not complain at all......BUT! I still don't feel like there is that connection there that I want and need. It sucks! Everything else just seems soo right, and theres a lot of qualities that she has that I just want next to me the rest of my life. I don't know what it is with me.....and some people I am aquainted with.. but I just long for that extra love.. I just want it now, and I want to know that it will be with me for the rest of my life. I dunno, I'm way too emo. So, I've been kinda stressing out about that. But after Ann Arbor we came back in town looking for somewhere to eat..We ended up going to Ghost Tressle, because she had heard about it before. Well, we went under it, and I had just got done telling her how I didn't really get scared at those types of places, and then a train went by over our heads! The car was shaking really bad and there were some crazy noises comming from that train. We both screamed! It was sooooooo funny!!! We went to Rally's afterwards, and I ended up getting her home at around 2 in the morning..I had such a good time. But yeah......still bugging me.
More girls have been showing more interest in me. It's neat and all...but it's just not the girls that I am looking for at all. Why is it that all the pretty girls who like to party and do the whole drinking thing want to talk to me? ..that is nothing that I want. Don't get me wrong, if I were you average agnostic believer, I'd say, "Hell yeah, these girls are aiiiight nigga, les do it!" ..but no. Anyways, a friend wants to hook me up with her friend, who is super cool... but agian with the drinking thing. I just can't do it. I figure I'll give it a chance though, probably go out with them and see if anything can be done. Hah.. I'm so dumb, but it's a good fealing. The whole new years girl is still talking to me. Agian, not too bad of a person, and not that bad looking- just..naah.. Then a girl at vo-tech has been extremely flurtacious (SP?) lately. She's gourgous! and an over all awesome girl..........but again....naaah! I just can't. I hate to say it...but I've been missing Drew. I miss all the great times that we had..and all the awesome things that we could have had. We had so much in common, and so many of the same values. She had to screw it up. I look back at that....and I don't know. It makes me very dissappointed. I never want to be that sad agian. She freaking broke my heart into 5 trillion and 3 pieces. (I counted) I also look back at the people I thought I trusted. Relating to the Drew situation - Matt. Not only Matt, but another guy that I'm not supposed to even know about-Ben. To my face he was the nicest guy in the world, but behind my back all he wanted was my girlfriend! Oh my God, I can't tell you how hurtful this is. It goes to show you that you just can't trust anyone. I went to church with this guy!! WOW! ..I mean, how am I supposed to trust people if I can't even trust people at church!?!?!?!??? Now away from Drew. Friends I used to have.......it bugs me a lot that alcohol and drugs and girls and school and other people can seperate people soooo much! Kyle Hart. That kid and I talked on the phone every night for hours about our problems. Him and I were brothers. He told me at one time that I was one of the only people that he would take a bullet for. That means a lot. I trusted that kid, but I don't know if I can anymore. He'd rather do other shiez.. It drives me nuts.. All he ever calls me for anymore is if he needs something......Cd's and such.. I mean, it sucks! It hurts soo bad! There are a lot of other examples that I could put up here too (Jason, Alex, and even Adam now:() but the only other one that means the world to me is Drew. What the fuck? Honestly? We get in this whole fight thing, and we made up, and I havent talked to the bitch since. Why the hell did we even make up? I thought it was going to be the way it was. Back before we even dated. Back when that girl was the best friend I had. Back when we stayed up late talking about how bad this world is and what to expect the next. That girl is going soooo far down the drain...and I want to be there so bad to pull her out of it. But how am I supposed to? It's like.........ok........(EXAMPLE) My Mom tells me to wait outside this building, I love my Mom. So I wait. It turns out that she ran out the back door and left me there. I wait for ten years. I start to get impatient. It's taking her soo long, why would she do this to me? ..any idiot could tell you that my Mom obviosly does not love me if she would do that. So when she comes back and asks me for a hug.......what? (END) Do people really even care about me? I dunno if that was a good example or not...but how can people expect me to be there for them, and help them when they won't do shit for me. I'm so sick of it! I'm sick of being the good guy all the time. ..Deep down I want to be mean to these people that come crawling back, but I just can't. (ANOTHER EXAMPLE, this ones true.) My friend Elvis, from Elementary school. He had a rough life growing up, doesnt live with parents, you get the picture.. Well, we never hang out. I gave him a warm place to sleep in and welcomed him.... well months go by, and I get a phone call...a ride. Ok, I'll do it..thinking it will only be everyonce and a while...nope. The kid called me like everyday for a ride...I'm sorry, but thats taking it over the line. Then he calls and wants a ride to Detroit! ..My Mom offered to take him to Detroit on Christmas eve.......he didn't show up. (END) You see, it's just like people use me as their own personal back up parachute!..no thanks! I'm sick of that role. It makes me not want to meet any new people in fear of this cycle to just continue...why? It bugs me beyond belief! I'm sorry for all the words I don't usually use in my vocabulary, but I'm just a little upset tonight. I want things to be perfect. I want a good Job, I want an awesome wife, I want good friends, I want a nice car, I want money, and I want to be closer to the person I live for...........it all seems impossible at this time!! It sucks! I'm looking at schools now too. I want to go to a nice sized (bigger city maybe) technical school. I want to go do collision repair and eventually do custom car painting and be one of the best damned body workers/ painters in Michigan......maybe you'll see me on pimp my ride.......or I'll have my own show. Heh, yeah, anyways........so, cash is slim..and all I'm doing now is waiting to get our taxes back, so we can fill out the financial aide forms to see really how much I'm gonna get. I don't have money set aside, my grades are bad, and I haven't taken my ACT..it just all seems like.........wow Eric, what else can go wrong. So it's almost looking like I may not be able to persue what I want to do. I can't find the right college either. I like what I've seen from UTI and also Lincoln Tech, but.......we'll see.. I almost want to just get away. But theres some people that I will of course miss. I'll miss my best friend in the whole world Ben. I know this kid will never turn his back on me, and I'll never do it to him. I thank God every night for this kid. Agian, I am soooooooooooooooooo sorry that this is this huge rant, I know this whole thing is not attractive at all, and I too dislike seeing depressing things in journals, but I just needed to get it off of my chest I guess...and just going through things in my head while typing them seems to help me. I guess I need prayer. Help me out guys. ..sorry agian. Have a great week!!! :)