Cant get no job, can you spare me a dime? Just one more hit and I'll be fine.
I've been doing some thinking lately. A hell of a lot of thinking, actually. And God knows I need to because I've put it off far longer than I ever should have.
I'm going to try and put my brain into some kind of order here. I'm not going to fill this entry up with quirky anecdotes, lyrics, words like "y4yz0rz" or little smiley faces and pictures. Certainly not in this post. I really just want to get sorted. And I apologise for sounding melodramatic but it's how I work and the last thing I need is distractions.
I suppose firstly I should talk about the problem at the fore-front of my thoughts. I used to be in control but now I'm not and that is terrifying me more and more. I cant even control my own body. It's not doing what it should be doing, what I want it to do and this covers a range of things both externally and internally. I've never felt like I've been trapped in my own skin, I mean, I've heard people talk about it and god knows I supported them in their time of need but I could never, REALLY relate to it and now I can and its so frightening because there's a chance it's going to affect my future. A big chance. I find myself contemplating the future so much that I fuck up the present and its the present that I need to grasp hold of and use to its full advantage before it all starts going to hell.
I know I said I was going to talk about my problems and I realise I'm being extremely cryptic and nonsensical but I don't have the guts to actually say what's wrong out loud. And those who know me well enough will have realised that anyway. If I actually, physically name my problems out loud I feel like I haven't been strong enough and I already feel extremely disappointed in my own stupidity lately ....
THEY are fucking with my head aswell. But not intentionally. I have this insane, annoying need to over-analyse everything HE says yet I let the other one away with murder. I cant seem to stay away from one when I know I shouldn't and in all honesty I don't even want to be involved with him but I keep running back to him like some love-sick little kid. As for the other, I cant get him out my head, he's great and lovely and sweet and completely and utterly out of reach. I know it not going to happen between us, not properly, because it cant. It's impossible. So instead of making do with the lovely thing we have I push him away, just to see how far I can push him before he gives up on me, I just want to know how willing he is to be involved and I do it by becoming a bitch? I know its messed up, believe me I do but I just cant help it. I realised I am a extremely more needy than I would ever like to think and I hate it. I either end up with HIM when I don't really want to because I'd rather have that than be alone. Or I push HIM away because he is so brilliant and caring and nice and I know I cant ever have him the way I want. I need to get a grip.
SHE'S back too. Granted, that's a good thing. I gave her something I can never get back and she did the same for me. Funny thing was, I had been thinking about her [more and more recently] since I last saw her. I cant believe its been well over a year. She hasn't changed much either, she's alot more confident now which is brilliant. She's absolutely blooming since I last talked to her and even then I thought she was brilliant anyway. Part of me wants to see her again, to catch up and maybe even pick up where we left off, I mean who knows? But another part reminds me that I'm not the same person she knew just under a year and a half ago. I've changed alot and don't get me wrong, I love the fact that she's in my life again but I just can't help but think that perhaps NOW isn't the right time for her to be appearing. I don't want to disappoint her. I've got a hell of a lot on my plate right now and a lovely new batch of worries to pile onto the others that I was to scared to deal with and I'm apprehensive that she'll be let down by me or she'll have moved on and grew enough to realise that she could easily, and probably should, get better and doesn't need to put up with my problems. Their mines. Not hers. But I was stupid and naive and just fucking pig-ignorant to let her slip through my fingers like that and I don't want to let that happen again.
I'm done now. Thanks for listening.
I'm going to try and put my brain into some kind of order here. I'm not going to fill this entry up with quirky anecdotes, lyrics, words like "y4yz0rz" or little smiley faces and pictures. Certainly not in this post. I really just want to get sorted. And I apologise for sounding melodramatic but it's how I work and the last thing I need is distractions.
I suppose firstly I should talk about the problem at the fore-front of my thoughts. I used to be in control but now I'm not and that is terrifying me more and more. I cant even control my own body. It's not doing what it should be doing, what I want it to do and this covers a range of things both externally and internally. I've never felt like I've been trapped in my own skin, I mean, I've heard people talk about it and god knows I supported them in their time of need but I could never, REALLY relate to it and now I can and its so frightening because there's a chance it's going to affect my future. A big chance. I find myself contemplating the future so much that I fuck up the present and its the present that I need to grasp hold of and use to its full advantage before it all starts going to hell.
I know I said I was going to talk about my problems and I realise I'm being extremely cryptic and nonsensical but I don't have the guts to actually say what's wrong out loud. And those who know me well enough will have realised that anyway. If I actually, physically name my problems out loud I feel like I haven't been strong enough and I already feel extremely disappointed in my own stupidity lately ....
THEY are fucking with my head aswell. But not intentionally. I have this insane, annoying need to over-analyse everything HE says yet I let the other one away with murder. I cant seem to stay away from one when I know I shouldn't and in all honesty I don't even want to be involved with him but I keep running back to him like some love-sick little kid. As for the other, I cant get him out my head, he's great and lovely and sweet and completely and utterly out of reach. I know it not going to happen between us, not properly, because it cant. It's impossible. So instead of making do with the lovely thing we have I push him away, just to see how far I can push him before he gives up on me, I just want to know how willing he is to be involved and I do it by becoming a bitch? I know its messed up, believe me I do but I just cant help it. I realised I am a extremely more needy than I would ever like to think and I hate it. I either end up with HIM when I don't really want to because I'd rather have that than be alone. Or I push HIM away because he is so brilliant and caring and nice and I know I cant ever have him the way I want. I need to get a grip.
SHE'S back too. Granted, that's a good thing. I gave her something I can never get back and she did the same for me. Funny thing was, I had been thinking about her [more and more recently] since I last saw her. I cant believe its been well over a year. She hasn't changed much either, she's alot more confident now which is brilliant. She's absolutely blooming since I last talked to her and even then I thought she was brilliant anyway. Part of me wants to see her again, to catch up and maybe even pick up where we left off, I mean who knows? But another part reminds me that I'm not the same person she knew just under a year and a half ago. I've changed alot and don't get me wrong, I love the fact that she's in my life again but I just can't help but think that perhaps NOW isn't the right time for her to be appearing. I don't want to disappoint her. I've got a hell of a lot on my plate right now and a lovely new batch of worries to pile onto the others that I was to scared to deal with and I'm apprehensive that she'll be let down by me or she'll have moved on and grew enough to realise that she could easily, and probably should, get better and doesn't need to put up with my problems. Their mines. Not hers. But I was stupid and naive and just fucking pig-ignorant to let her slip through my fingers like that and I don't want to let that happen again.
I'm done now. Thanks for listening.