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i hardly know anything about myself. i like it when goodfriends call me shan; but shannon works too i wish i could be more artistic; more creative. i am in my own right though, just always stuck on something. i like to be productive; i like it when i make beautiful things. i like cameras; capturing moments; showing people how i see someone, ( Read more... )
stephen
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stephen i read this sometimes, when im lonely and my life gets offcourse. even though youre with carly now, and all of these words you have written me suddenly turn to lies, i read this. its from my best friend, when he was my bestfriend, before the lies and the hate. you hate me now. i read this and i think, he hates me now. for no reason, no real reason. just because you simply can. and i respect that i guess. i guess i just believe that you never cared about me, not really. and i think youre telling yourself that too? it helps doesnt it? it makes everything seem like a dream, a blissfully short dream. i like lying to myself, telling myself we never had something, we were never best friends, we never kissed, we never meant it. but i start to believe it sort of. i mean, i was your rebound from kaysen. carlys your rebound from me. you hate every girl you ever said you loved. and its not your love i want and i dont know if it ever was, i just wanted friendship. and even after everything, you cant give that to me. maybe carly wont let you? maybe you wont let yourself? either way a friendship with you now would be fake and id hate every moment of it. call me nostalgic, call me childish. but i find nothing wrong with a nostalgic childish longing for an old friend, she looked up to and admired before she saw through everything he ever said or did. why did you leave so much unsaid? i know why. its that fear of being sucked back into it, but you wouldnt. i told you no, didnt i? the next day youre LOVING another girl, who you hated a week before. nothings real to you is it? do you ever get scared that you cant feel anymore, youre just always lying to yourself. maybe you never got over kaysen? or me? maybe youll never get over carly? maybe youll just move right on to the next gal you see. and i might be wrong, but something tells me im right. dont change yourself for a girl, punk or rock and roll she'll love you anyway. i did. but either way, i love to read this when im sad, to make myself sadder because i do not believe any of this is true. but all the things you wanted for me, i want those too. but it seems that ever since we've gone our different ways ive lost all touch of normal life. i mean, i love to drink. does that sound like me at all? no way. i cuss constantly, again nothing like me. my problems, that only you really know about, are back fullswing and fullforce and its becomming impossible to hide. theres so many things i could say and so many beautiful ways i could say it but it comes down to you fucking held me together. and i fucking hate you for it. i wish to God i could have been so stable with out you. but it seems so fucking impossible, and i love my life now. my life without you know is fucking beautiful, i have more friends than i can count and i love them all so dearly. but i just wish i had that best friend back, the one i admired before i saw all his faults. and i hope to God you never read this, because its obviously me talking out of spite and hurt. you just left so much unsaid, that i could talk for hours because it only builds. i just... im left feeling like... i hate you? for doing all this to me and turning around and hating me when all i was, was your victim. but you know i dont hate people and im not one to regret, so its just. this weird feeling lol, that has no name. and doesnt really deserve one if you ask me because its rather shitty. okay, im done. this was a rant, a public rant to someone who will never let himself care and hopefully never read.
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