KINDA BLOGGIN
Read Blogger
I am feeling worse then shit right now, reminds me of my high school days when I'd be broken up and falling apart for weeks over a boy. Chris and I finally had the last straw today, he said part of him wanted to break up and that's something he's never said to me before. I've threaten and have broken up with him numerous times but that's because I felt like I had no choice, I felt like I wasn't being properly listened to in the relationship and I was left no option but to pull the break up card. You think that would have turned him around for the better but it hasn't, hence why we are here today. The fighting is getting so bad that I'm starting to turn violent towards him, I even put a hole in the wall.
There's no worse feeling then when you feel your not being understood especially by the one you love the most and you try and explain to them over and over but still nothing. I'm so tired of the crying and the screaming, as much as I don't want to go back to my old life back home without Chris I feel like I can't live here and continue to live in this horrible situation. The worse is that part of him wants to break up, that really struck a nerve. I got comfortable, resting easy knowing that no matter what I said or did Chris would always want m, but now I know that is not the case. Having this knowledge pretty much sealed the deal for me I felt if he had lost some hope then I have no officially lost all of mine. The worst pain is having to get on that plane alone fly back home and face everyone as to why I've been gone for a year and come back relatively empty handed. I'm back to being on my own, the few amount of friends I had back home I haven't kept much in touch with since I've gone. There's so much to deal with, the break up, facing everyone and being alone...it's enough to make you want to just end it all. All I can do right now is take it one day at a time and one step at a time. To make matters worse Chris and I had booked 3 nights in Fiji and 3 nights in LA and now I'm going to have to go at it alone. Harsh. Could things not get any worse? Maybe my mistake was coming here in the first place, subjecting myself to racist Australia as well as doomed relationship. This was the man I pictured myself marrying...in a beautiful off white dress taking wedding pictures on the beach under the moonlight. So crushed, I don't even know where to begin all I know is time will march on. So the only minor part I can rejoice in is 'the single life', but who knows what 'the single life' will be like, it could be boring with no action or I might meet some good people alone the way. These things are always a mystery. How will my life end up? I wonder if I'll ever find somebody else and how they will compare to my relationship with Chris. To make matters worse or good depending on how you view it, it was my last day at work today. Yeah I should be happy cause it was such a horrible job except I'll miss having a purpose, having somewhere to go each morning. I'm kinda sad in a way that I have to go back to my slumped life style sitting at home watching Dr Phil and Oprah pondering my ruined relationship. Part of me is going to miss work and everyone there but I guess considering what I'm going through at least it's a stresser that's off my back.
I am feeling worse then shit right now, reminds me of my high school days when I'd be broken up and falling apart for weeks over a boy. Chris and I finally had the last straw today, he said part of him wanted to break up and that's something he's never said to me before. I've threaten and have broken up with him numerous times but that's because I felt like I had no choice, I felt like I wasn't being properly listened to in the relationship and I was left no option but to pull the break up card. You think that would have turned him around for the better but it hasn't, hence why we are here today. The fighting is getting so bad that I'm starting to turn violent towards him, I even put a hole in the wall.
There's no worse feeling then when you feel your not being understood especially by the one you love the most and you try and explain to them over and over but still nothing. I'm so tired of the crying and the screaming, as much as I don't want to go back to my old life back home without Chris I feel like I can't live here and continue to live in this horrible situation. The worse is that part of him wants to break up, that really struck a nerve. I got comfortable, resting easy knowing that no matter what I said or did Chris would always want m, but now I know that is not the case. Having this knowledge pretty much sealed the deal for me I felt if he had lost some hope then I have no officially lost all of mine. The worst pain is having to get on that plane alone fly back home and face everyone as to why I've been gone for a year and come back relatively empty handed. I'm back to being on my own, the few amount of friends I had back home I haven't kept much in touch with since I've gone. There's so much to deal with, the break up, facing everyone and being alone...it's enough to make you want to just end it all. All I can do right now is take it one day at a time and one step at a time. To make matters worse Chris and I had booked 3 nights in Fiji and 3 nights in LA and now I'm going to have to go at it alone. Harsh. Could things not get any worse? Maybe my mistake was coming here in the first place, subjecting myself to racist Australia as well as doomed relationship. This was the man I pictured myself marrying...in a beautiful off white dress taking wedding pictures on the beach under the moonlight. So crushed, I don't even know where to begin all I know is time will march on. So the only minor part I can rejoice in is 'the single life', but who knows what 'the single life' will be like, it could be boring with no action or I might meet some good people alone the way. These things are always a mystery. How will my life end up? I wonder if I'll ever find somebody else and how they will compare to my relationship with Chris. To make matters worse or good depending on how you view it, it was my last day at work today. Yeah I should be happy cause it was such a horrible job except I'll miss having a purpose, having somewhere to go each morning. I'm kinda sad in a way that I have to go back to my slumped life style sitting at home watching Dr Phil and Oprah pondering my ruined relationship. Part of me is going to miss work and everyone there but I guess considering what I'm going through at least it's a stresser that's off my back.