Entry 14; Is that the right number?
So I haven't really updated in a little while. Figured i'd might as well do so now.
I don't have much to say. I haven't done much of anything for a while. My sleeping schedule is slightly fucked.. so I waste my life away by sleeping at all different hours for so long because i'm always so tired. I'm just bored.. which is obvious. My life consists of drama and then boredom.. and a lot of confusion. That's it really. Pain, Boredom, Confusion. That really sums it up.
I haven't seen Brandon or my mom since Wednesday. I might be seeing them tomorrow, we'll see. I talk to my mom like everyday on the phone but still.
I haven't called my father yet either. I don't even know if i've mentioned thinking about calling him.. but I have. Possibly every single day.. at random moments. The last time I seen or talked to him or my brother or any of those people was July 17th, his birthday.
His birthday card read something along the lines of `` In spite of everything. I do love you and i'm glad you're in my life. `` Then I don't see or talk to him for over a month.. maybe two. Sounds right to me.. I mean this is my life, we're talking about..
That day though.. was just hard for me. Being around certain people.. being more invisible than usual. He wasn't even in a cranky type of mood and didn't say anything that would upset me. I don't know.. oddicity. I needed a break though. From him.. from his family.. my brother, candice.. everyone. I was tired, I needed to be away from them.
It's always always always been me.. doing 90% of everything. Making the attempts so that he'd be in my life.. so my brother would be in my life.. candice too. So they'd know how I felt.. so they'd be around. Every once and a while they might do the other 10% but it's extremely rare. It's like an eclipse...
My mom even says i'm giving them too much credit.. it's more like 5%.. every once and a while. Far and few in between. If that makes sense. Plus on top of that.. in spite of me constantly being the one that's making the effort.. they blame me. Well.. you never see anyone cause you don't call or this.. or that. They always say it when they've done that 5%.. or after something happens when I feel I can't say anything in response, even though I could. I just tend to freeze like I always do when someone says something I don't want to hear. I freeze. Like a child being caught doing something they shouldn't. Speechless.
It's all a lie though. Like my brother and candice.. I believe candice more. Just because I know that it happens more. She'll say she's going to call me.. every time I call her. I was thinking about you.. or I was gonna call you. I just assumed.. or I figured. Blah Blah.. and with her it's ALWAYS.. i've just been really busy. Then I find out right afterwards.. that she's called my cousin Ashley. She calls her all the time.. but she's too busy to me call? What the fuck is that shit? I used to think you know.. maybe it's just the deal with Josh. She's having a hard time with him.. so talking to his sibling.. maybe she just isn't up for it.. but Ashley is his cousin. She she's him way fucking more than I do.. he actually likes being around her. So it's like.. you can't go there... not anymore.
Face the facts.. they lie.. they blame you.. they don't wanna be around you and when they are it's out of some type of sympathy. They feel like they have to do it. With my dad.. it's whenever it's convenient. I swear he's one of the fakest people i've ever met. I don't know what to do.. he's my dad, I love him. I can't help it.. but he just doesn't get it. I know too much.. but in spite of knowing the shit he does or says.. he still tells me he loves me.. and I believe him.
So yeah.. I needed a break. I had been seeing them every other week or something for quite a few months. I wasn't used to it for one.. and being invisible takes a tole on you too. The annoyance of particular people doesn't exactly help... it just all caught up with me. I needed a break.. but then it's like.. i've been calling him.. time and time again.. making the effort. All those months.. and since I went on my break.. not telling him, obviously. None of them have called me a total of once.. so i'm like.. I can do it again.. but should I? Do I really want to? and is it worth it? I'm just so confused. I really am.
Talking to my Aunt a while back kinda put this idea into my head of.. stick it out. Just keep doing it. In the long run, you'll be the bigger person.. you won't feel guilty for anything. You can be at least a little bit proud of yourself.. and they'll be the ones kicking themselves. Just try to be blessed with what you have.. some people have it worse. I go back and forth with that.. and wondering if it's worth it. Maybe i'd be happier if I just stopped being the bigger person and lived my life.. i've already done a lot. Enough to say I tried. So if they want me in their lives.. they know how to reach me.
I'm just SO CONFUSED! It's not like someone can just tell me what to do.. I have to make the decision on my own.
I don't know.. and I have already said that far too many times in one lifetime. What I do know.. is i'm tired of it and I need to be stronger in the sense of saying how I feel. I almost wish one of them would piss me off and take me to the edge.. so I burst. I've been known to do that.. that's risky though too. I might go overboard and feel like shit instead of feeling relieved..
I'll stop.. ranting now though. I have to finish my laundry.
For those who want my opinion.. the movie Crash. Is really good. You should check it out. The Perfect Score is pretty funny too. If you haven't already seen it. I'm slow.. so i've recently just watched it for the first time.
I don't have much to say. I haven't done much of anything for a while. My sleeping schedule is slightly fucked.. so I waste my life away by sleeping at all different hours for so long because i'm always so tired. I'm just bored.. which is obvious. My life consists of drama and then boredom.. and a lot of confusion. That's it really. Pain, Boredom, Confusion. That really sums it up.
I haven't seen Brandon or my mom since Wednesday. I might be seeing them tomorrow, we'll see. I talk to my mom like everyday on the phone but still.
I haven't called my father yet either. I don't even know if i've mentioned thinking about calling him.. but I have. Possibly every single day.. at random moments. The last time I seen or talked to him or my brother or any of those people was July 17th, his birthday.
His birthday card read something along the lines of `` In spite of everything. I do love you and i'm glad you're in my life. `` Then I don't see or talk to him for over a month.. maybe two. Sounds right to me.. I mean this is my life, we're talking about..
That day though.. was just hard for me. Being around certain people.. being more invisible than usual. He wasn't even in a cranky type of mood and didn't say anything that would upset me. I don't know.. oddicity. I needed a break though. From him.. from his family.. my brother, candice.. everyone. I was tired, I needed to be away from them.
It's always always always been me.. doing 90% of everything. Making the attempts so that he'd be in my life.. so my brother would be in my life.. candice too. So they'd know how I felt.. so they'd be around. Every once and a while they might do the other 10% but it's extremely rare. It's like an eclipse...
My mom even says i'm giving them too much credit.. it's more like 5%.. every once and a while. Far and few in between. If that makes sense. Plus on top of that.. in spite of me constantly being the one that's making the effort.. they blame me. Well.. you never see anyone cause you don't call or this.. or that. They always say it when they've done that 5%.. or after something happens when I feel I can't say anything in response, even though I could. I just tend to freeze like I always do when someone says something I don't want to hear. I freeze. Like a child being caught doing something they shouldn't. Speechless.
It's all a lie though. Like my brother and candice.. I believe candice more. Just because I know that it happens more. She'll say she's going to call me.. every time I call her. I was thinking about you.. or I was gonna call you. I just assumed.. or I figured. Blah Blah.. and with her it's ALWAYS.. i've just been really busy. Then I find out right afterwards.. that she's called my cousin Ashley. She calls her all the time.. but she's too busy to me call? What the fuck is that shit? I used to think you know.. maybe it's just the deal with Josh. She's having a hard time with him.. so talking to his sibling.. maybe she just isn't up for it.. but Ashley is his cousin. She she's him way fucking more than I do.. he actually likes being around her. So it's like.. you can't go there... not anymore.
Face the facts.. they lie.. they blame you.. they don't wanna be around you and when they are it's out of some type of sympathy. They feel like they have to do it. With my dad.. it's whenever it's convenient. I swear he's one of the fakest people i've ever met. I don't know what to do.. he's my dad, I love him. I can't help it.. but he just doesn't get it. I know too much.. but in spite of knowing the shit he does or says.. he still tells me he loves me.. and I believe him.
So yeah.. I needed a break. I had been seeing them every other week or something for quite a few months. I wasn't used to it for one.. and being invisible takes a tole on you too. The annoyance of particular people doesn't exactly help... it just all caught up with me. I needed a break.. but then it's like.. i've been calling him.. time and time again.. making the effort. All those months.. and since I went on my break.. not telling him, obviously. None of them have called me a total of once.. so i'm like.. I can do it again.. but should I? Do I really want to? and is it worth it? I'm just so confused. I really am.
Talking to my Aunt a while back kinda put this idea into my head of.. stick it out. Just keep doing it. In the long run, you'll be the bigger person.. you won't feel guilty for anything. You can be at least a little bit proud of yourself.. and they'll be the ones kicking themselves. Just try to be blessed with what you have.. some people have it worse. I go back and forth with that.. and wondering if it's worth it. Maybe i'd be happier if I just stopped being the bigger person and lived my life.. i've already done a lot. Enough to say I tried. So if they want me in their lives.. they know how to reach me.
I'm just SO CONFUSED! It's not like someone can just tell me what to do.. I have to make the decision on my own.
I don't know.. and I have already said that far too many times in one lifetime. What I do know.. is i'm tired of it and I need to be stronger in the sense of saying how I feel. I almost wish one of them would piss me off and take me to the edge.. so I burst. I've been known to do that.. that's risky though too. I might go overboard and feel like shit instead of feeling relieved..
I'll stop.. ranting now though. I have to finish my laundry.
For those who want my opinion.. the movie Crash. Is really good. You should check it out. The Perfect Score is pretty funny too. If you haven't already seen it. I'm slow.. so i've recently just watched it for the first time.