(no subject)
This is a very long entry.
Most of you wont read it but i typed it out anyways.
It's funny how things change... And how things don't.
So I stayed after school today to make up a spanish writing exam. My father said he would pick me up at the library around 6-6:30pm, so i stopped there to drop off my stuff and then decided to take a walk.
I went in the direction of the Winn-Dixie. I figured I would "clear my head".
Hah, yeah. The more I try to clear my head, the more fucked up I get. My mind never stops. I wish it would for a minute though... I could really use a break.
But that's the problem. My mind did stop today-- except, instead of forgetting about all the things that are stressing me out, I forgot everything I needed to know, such as the entire Spanish language.
Two hours before I sat down to take that exam I swear I could have conjugated any verbs in any tense or form, and tell you about any vacation or meal or childhood experience, in future, preterite, past, or even "imperfect" completely fluently.
But i sat in that desk and she put the paper in front of me and I couldn't even remember the word for 'beach'. All i knew was "muy buena" and "la piscina" and for a while i couldn't even remember what a "piscina" was.
Needless to say, I'm pretty damn sure I didn't do too well on that exam.
But nothing like that has ever happened to me before... ever.
I've never... "choked". What the fuck is wrong with me?
Anyways, I was walking torwards Winn-Dixie and realized "Hey, I've got $16 in my pocket."
I couldn't think of anything I would want or need except maybe a shitload of caffiene pills and a psychiatrist, but I decided to stop by the grocery store anyways.
Well, I got my pills. And decided I wanted PopTarts, even though I knew I would take one bite and would be done and just throw the rest away.
So I went up to the register and purchased my PopTarts, pills, and a Coke. Quite a wierd purchase if you ask me. The chick at the register was hot though.
On the way back in the direction of the library I saw Wilson and Anthony.
But, of course my mind wouldn't function on anything I actually wanted or needed it to, so at the time I couldn't remember either name. How sad.
I gave them PopTarts. They were quite pleased. Quite. Like, I don't think I've EVER seen anyone so happy to recieve a hardened pastry composed of 50 percent food coloring. But it made them happy, which made me feel really good. I like those kids.
I couldn't walk much more (I'm convinced the bones my legs are slowly decomposing. It's quite painful, actually.) so I went back to the library and sat on the bench. Just as I predicted, I took one bite of a PopTart and was fed up with food entirely. There were two girls on the bench opposite me though...
One was really skinny... pretty face, very athletic... The other was athletic also but less bones...
It was obvious they were best friends...
And then I got this wierd feeling... I guess you would say deja vou...
There was just a wierd familiarity of it all. And then I heard them talking...
One was saying "Don't do it. You have to stop. Just stop."
The skinny one was promising her she wouldn't do it again... It had just been... "haunting" her.
She told her friend to "look", because they were fading. they were going away, and soon you wouldn't be able to see them at all. She said
I'm over it.
I'm over it.
And then the skinny girl's friend's ride came.
And skinny's friend shouted "i love you" out the window.
And skinny loved her back.
sound familiar?
god... heh. it took everything in me to not cry. god and they looked so fucking innocent...
I bet we did too.
I bet...
GOD IT'S EXACTLY THE SAME
and that bench, that very fucking bench we sat and shared her favorite chinese food ever.
but it was just...
was it only dead to me?
i mean, it's like every word exchanged was complete bullshit.
i don't know, maybe most of it was.
it just makes you think. no... it makes me think. god i fucking think too much.
but i think it had been dying for a long time... a very long time.
Everything dies... but most things don't get the convenience of just dropping cold - suddenly and quick. No... Most things die slowly. And they are never truly fully oblivious to it... No. They always know they are dying. Somewhere within them they know. It's just a matter of facing it. God, and if some of us could just come to be able to look death in the face sooner, things would be a lot easier. But death is never really easy, is it. Someone always gets hurt.
I wonder how many people I've hurt... I wonder how many people I'm dead to.
I know it's not all my fault. But... I don't know, it bothers me.
Its just... I can never keep a relationship. I can never just... stay with someone. And if I feel I can then they die out on me anyways, so it doesn't really matter now does it. It's like every time a label comes around, something bad is bound to happen. But without labels, everything is a mess. No one knows what the hell is going on and it's all confusion. It just all goes to hell in the end. Everything just goes to hell in the end. Every friendship, every relationship, every promise we make, every secret we keep, everything goes to hell.
i gave the skinny girl a PopTart and went inside.
she's over it.
right.
yeah. we all are.
we're all over it.
Uhuh. And I am no longer Kirsten but Eostre- The Goddess of April.
Because I'm over it too.
... could someone, not die on me for once? ... I'd really appreciate it.
Most of you wont read it but i typed it out anyways.
It's funny how things change... And how things don't.
So I stayed after school today to make up a spanish writing exam. My father said he would pick me up at the library around 6-6:30pm, so i stopped there to drop off my stuff and then decided to take a walk.
I went in the direction of the Winn-Dixie. I figured I would "clear my head".
Hah, yeah. The more I try to clear my head, the more fucked up I get. My mind never stops. I wish it would for a minute though... I could really use a break.
But that's the problem. My mind did stop today-- except, instead of forgetting about all the things that are stressing me out, I forgot everything I needed to know, such as the entire Spanish language.
Two hours before I sat down to take that exam I swear I could have conjugated any verbs in any tense or form, and tell you about any vacation or meal or childhood experience, in future, preterite, past, or even "imperfect" completely fluently.
But i sat in that desk and she put the paper in front of me and I couldn't even remember the word for 'beach'. All i knew was "muy buena" and "la piscina" and for a while i couldn't even remember what a "piscina" was.
Needless to say, I'm pretty damn sure I didn't do too well on that exam.
But nothing like that has ever happened to me before... ever.
I've never... "choked". What the fuck is wrong with me?
Anyways, I was walking torwards Winn-Dixie and realized "Hey, I've got $16 in my pocket."
I couldn't think of anything I would want or need except maybe a shitload of caffiene pills and a psychiatrist, but I decided to stop by the grocery store anyways.
Well, I got my pills. And decided I wanted PopTarts, even though I knew I would take one bite and would be done and just throw the rest away.
So I went up to the register and purchased my PopTarts, pills, and a Coke. Quite a wierd purchase if you ask me. The chick at the register was hot though.
On the way back in the direction of the library I saw Wilson and Anthony.
But, of course my mind wouldn't function on anything I actually wanted or needed it to, so at the time I couldn't remember either name. How sad.
I gave them PopTarts. They were quite pleased. Quite. Like, I don't think I've EVER seen anyone so happy to recieve a hardened pastry composed of 50 percent food coloring. But it made them happy, which made me feel really good. I like those kids.
I couldn't walk much more (I'm convinced the bones my legs are slowly decomposing. It's quite painful, actually.) so I went back to the library and sat on the bench. Just as I predicted, I took one bite of a PopTart and was fed up with food entirely. There were two girls on the bench opposite me though...
One was really skinny... pretty face, very athletic... The other was athletic also but less bones...
It was obvious they were best friends...
And then I got this wierd feeling... I guess you would say deja vou...
There was just a wierd familiarity of it all. And then I heard them talking...
One was saying "Don't do it. You have to stop. Just stop."
The skinny one was promising her she wouldn't do it again... It had just been... "haunting" her.
She told her friend to "look", because they were fading. they were going away, and soon you wouldn't be able to see them at all. She said
I'm over it.
I'm over it.
And then the skinny girl's friend's ride came.
And skinny's friend shouted "i love you" out the window.
And skinny loved her back.
sound familiar?
god... heh. it took everything in me to not cry. god and they looked so fucking innocent...
I bet we did too.
I bet...
GOD IT'S EXACTLY THE SAME
and that bench, that very fucking bench we sat and shared her favorite chinese food ever.
but it was just...
was it only dead to me?
i mean, it's like every word exchanged was complete bullshit.
i don't know, maybe most of it was.
it just makes you think. no... it makes me think. god i fucking think too much.
but i think it had been dying for a long time... a very long time.
Everything dies... but most things don't get the convenience of just dropping cold - suddenly and quick. No... Most things die slowly. And they are never truly fully oblivious to it... No. They always know they are dying. Somewhere within them they know. It's just a matter of facing it. God, and if some of us could just come to be able to look death in the face sooner, things would be a lot easier. But death is never really easy, is it. Someone always gets hurt.
I wonder how many people I've hurt... I wonder how many people I'm dead to.
I know it's not all my fault. But... I don't know, it bothers me.
Its just... I can never keep a relationship. I can never just... stay with someone. And if I feel I can then they die out on me anyways, so it doesn't really matter now does it. It's like every time a label comes around, something bad is bound to happen. But without labels, everything is a mess. No one knows what the hell is going on and it's all confusion. It just all goes to hell in the end. Everything just goes to hell in the end. Every friendship, every relationship, every promise we make, every secret we keep, everything goes to hell.
i gave the skinny girl a PopTart and went inside.
she's over it.
right.
yeah. we all are.
we're all over it.
Uhuh. And I am no longer Kirsten but Eostre- The Goddess of April.
Because I'm over it too.
... could someone, not die on me for once? ... I'd really appreciate it.