On a lack of trust / learning to trust.
Ask any of my ex-boyfriends which issue was recurring in our relationship and most of them will tell you 'trust'. To be fair, some of those ex's were infidels, so that's to be expected. The others entered the game afterwards and they've suffered from the ones before them.
I had my first real relationship when I was 16 years old. At that time in my life, trust wasn't a word I knew or used. It didn't apply to the boy I adored and saw every day at school. We met up on the weekends and when we didn't, I thought nothing of it.
Trust didn't enter my world until I was 18, being misused by a 'friend' and realized I was 'the other girl'. Trust resurfaced again during my relationship with Aaron. To be fair, both he and I were doing stupid things, but he was the one who took it to the next level, who started a physical affair with a gothic girl at the fringe of our social circle the weekend before my 21st birthday. He was the one who left on a camping trip and returned a different person, my betrayer, my infidel, someone I at once loathed and loved.
Despite therapy, lots of work, tears, heartache, etc, I never really healed from that experience. We broke up, made up, on-again, off-again'ed for six months and finally called it quits.
Fast forward to a year later, after forming a close relationship with someone on the other side of the continent and discovering during one of his stays at my place that he had been unfaithful back home. Tears, heartache, devastation, again. Even now, I can conjure the memories and pain I felt during these miniature crises.
And last year, just six months into my relationship with Andrew, a young couple in love, I came across messages between him and a former fling that made my heart stop. After much discussion (screaming, yelling, tears, etc), we worked through the issue: after all, he hadn't really done anything, just made some inappropriate comments, really and we moved on. But each time he interacts with those two girls, I feel my stomach forming knots, I feel the anxiety returning, I feel the fear, the anticipation of betrayal.
Even now.
So when he texts me to tell me about how one of them contacted him and he's going to have lunch with her while in Vegas, my heart begins reacting involuntarily.
Why do you need to see her? You've barely spoken in 2-3 years. You don't even know her. I'm not really crazy about the idea.
And he, frustrated, upset, exasperated.
If I want to, I'm going to. She's just a friend. I never had a history with her. It was with the other one. Etc, etc and all of his logical excuses about why it's not a big deal, why I'm jealous and weird and overreacting, etc...
And it reminds me of the time we were driving home from the movies and he said, "I know you were cheated on in the past, but you have to get over it. You have to move on. I've never done anything for you to not trust me and I really wish you would trust me. I was cheated on, too, you know. Twice, actually. Of course, the one time I dealt with it by getting revenge and cheating on her so we were 'even', but..."
And as his voice trailed off (because I stopped listening, not because he stopped speaking) and he continued explaining how it doesn't bother him anymore, my tears silently moved down my cheeks and my mind flashed back to all of my different experiences. I was at a loss for words.
How do you explain to someone that betrayal of this kind is your greatest fear? Conjures the most anxiety for you? Creates nightmares while you sleep and prevents you from concentrating at work? Yes, it's been five years since Aaron cheated on me and yes, it's been more than three years since the boyfriend after that cheated on me, but that. doesn't. make. it. any. easier. It's imprinted onto my brain and I come with a warning label, folks: don't trust anybody.
I'm defensive and I'm untrusting. When you strip away all of my other attributes, you're left with a defensive, insecure little girl who doesn't trust anyone. And I'm afraid to say it's been that way for a long time. I'm even more afraid to think it might always be that way.
He doesn't get it. Maybe a lot of people don't. That's not really the point, though. The point is that this is my reality and this is how I experience relationships with people.
How do you learn to trust when you just... can't?
I had my first real relationship when I was 16 years old. At that time in my life, trust wasn't a word I knew or used. It didn't apply to the boy I adored and saw every day at school. We met up on the weekends and when we didn't, I thought nothing of it.
Trust didn't enter my world until I was 18, being misused by a 'friend' and realized I was 'the other girl'. Trust resurfaced again during my relationship with Aaron. To be fair, both he and I were doing stupid things, but he was the one who took it to the next level, who started a physical affair with a gothic girl at the fringe of our social circle the weekend before my 21st birthday. He was the one who left on a camping trip and returned a different person, my betrayer, my infidel, someone I at once loathed and loved.
Despite therapy, lots of work, tears, heartache, etc, I never really healed from that experience. We broke up, made up, on-again, off-again'ed for six months and finally called it quits.
Fast forward to a year later, after forming a close relationship with someone on the other side of the continent and discovering during one of his stays at my place that he had been unfaithful back home. Tears, heartache, devastation, again. Even now, I can conjure the memories and pain I felt during these miniature crises.
And last year, just six months into my relationship with Andrew, a young couple in love, I came across messages between him and a former fling that made my heart stop. After much discussion (screaming, yelling, tears, etc), we worked through the issue: after all, he hadn't really done anything, just made some inappropriate comments, really and we moved on. But each time he interacts with those two girls, I feel my stomach forming knots, I feel the anxiety returning, I feel the fear, the anticipation of betrayal.
Even now.
So when he texts me to tell me about how one of them contacted him and he's going to have lunch with her while in Vegas, my heart begins reacting involuntarily.
Why do you need to see her? You've barely spoken in 2-3 years. You don't even know her. I'm not really crazy about the idea.
And he, frustrated, upset, exasperated.
If I want to, I'm going to. She's just a friend. I never had a history with her. It was with the other one. Etc, etc and all of his logical excuses about why it's not a big deal, why I'm jealous and weird and overreacting, etc...
And it reminds me of the time we were driving home from the movies and he said, "I know you were cheated on in the past, but you have to get over it. You have to move on. I've never done anything for you to not trust me and I really wish you would trust me. I was cheated on, too, you know. Twice, actually. Of course, the one time I dealt with it by getting revenge and cheating on her so we were 'even', but..."
And as his voice trailed off (because I stopped listening, not because he stopped speaking) and he continued explaining how it doesn't bother him anymore, my tears silently moved down my cheeks and my mind flashed back to all of my different experiences. I was at a loss for words.
How do you explain to someone that betrayal of this kind is your greatest fear? Conjures the most anxiety for you? Creates nightmares while you sleep and prevents you from concentrating at work? Yes, it's been five years since Aaron cheated on me and yes, it's been more than three years since the boyfriend after that cheated on me, but that. doesn't. make. it. any. easier. It's imprinted onto my brain and I come with a warning label, folks: don't trust anybody.
I'm defensive and I'm untrusting. When you strip away all of my other attributes, you're left with a defensive, insecure little girl who doesn't trust anyone. And I'm afraid to say it's been that way for a long time. I'm even more afraid to think it might always be that way.
He doesn't get it. Maybe a lot of people don't. That's not really the point, though. The point is that this is my reality and this is how I experience relationships with people.
How do you learn to trust when you just... can't?