May Angels Lead You In...
i guess i'm a sit-on-the-sidelines-and-watch kind of person. i guess i'm the type that you tell your problems to and i'll soak it in with an "Oh...". is that bad? sometimes i think so. i cant lend a shoulder to anyone, i cant make things better. sometimes i feel guilty about that. so to everyone, i'm sorry. i mean it.
he called me and left a message. this time it wasn't the sound of a phone clicking and hanging up without any words being said. this time it wasn't a drunken whisper. this time it wasn't his crappy lil' john impression. i don't understand. it made the whole world stop. it made everything i had wished for for five consecutive months real. how does God work? i don't understand. it made my eyes watery and i honestly wanted to throw up. it was that feeling of speechlessness, and hoping that i wasn't just dreaming. it was everything that you'd never think of. and even more ironic: all this time i was thinking about someone else. he didn't even swear like he used to. and i couldn't comprehend what would have happened had i answered that call. i just really wanted to be alone.
i'll think back to a time when i was utterly dependent. when things moved too fast and it seemed like everything i did was wrong. when i would call you as soon as i got home from school. when the only time that i was overcome with happiness was when i was able to talk to you. when you were right to me. when i would find myself crying, alone in my bedroom, in the mid-afternoon for no reason at all. when anything but reality was good to me. how was it? it's like i only see part of it. i can't even trust what i remember anymore. because i don't want to be making this up. i don't want to crawl back into your arms only to be set up for a heavy fall again. i'm different now. but am i really? would i make the same mistakes? i know that things were bad. and i know i made them that way. but can i really make it all that different now? is there any hope for that?
i'll think back to a time when i was weak and you saw it. when i was absolutely nothing to every one who knew you. when i felt rejected, constantly. when i felt as though i was nothing, every time i was around you.
and see that? i have to remind myself of that. i have to remind myself that it wasn't good...but that was me. then. not now. i wouldn't take that now. i'd walk away, i'd be furious, i'd go to the people in my life now and they would be there for me, id' quit, i'd move on once and for all. and know that it wasn't meant to be, for us. ever.
that's a plan.
besides, you wouldn't believe my life. you wouldn't believe how i gave my phone number to a waiter whom i strongly feel is my future husband. how i take risks and get loud when i'm not myself. how i'm happy and make plans that never really turn out that way. how i go to school now and am so truly close to fitting in. how i'm not as weak as before when we first met. how i write for the school newspaper and finally have a voice. i guess things change. you wouldn't believe my life. i hope i'll someday be able to believe yours. and all this at 16? that's insane. insane.
happy turkey day.
he called me and left a message. this time it wasn't the sound of a phone clicking and hanging up without any words being said. this time it wasn't a drunken whisper. this time it wasn't his crappy lil' john impression. i don't understand. it made the whole world stop. it made everything i had wished for for five consecutive months real. how does God work? i don't understand. it made my eyes watery and i honestly wanted to throw up. it was that feeling of speechlessness, and hoping that i wasn't just dreaming. it was everything that you'd never think of. and even more ironic: all this time i was thinking about someone else. he didn't even swear like he used to. and i couldn't comprehend what would have happened had i answered that call. i just really wanted to be alone.
i'll think back to a time when i was utterly dependent. when things moved too fast and it seemed like everything i did was wrong. when i would call you as soon as i got home from school. when the only time that i was overcome with happiness was when i was able to talk to you. when you were right to me. when i would find myself crying, alone in my bedroom, in the mid-afternoon for no reason at all. when anything but reality was good to me. how was it? it's like i only see part of it. i can't even trust what i remember anymore. because i don't want to be making this up. i don't want to crawl back into your arms only to be set up for a heavy fall again. i'm different now. but am i really? would i make the same mistakes? i know that things were bad. and i know i made them that way. but can i really make it all that different now? is there any hope for that?
i'll think back to a time when i was weak and you saw it. when i was absolutely nothing to every one who knew you. when i felt rejected, constantly. when i felt as though i was nothing, every time i was around you.
and see that? i have to remind myself of that. i have to remind myself that it wasn't good...but that was me. then. not now. i wouldn't take that now. i'd walk away, i'd be furious, i'd go to the people in my life now and they would be there for me, id' quit, i'd move on once and for all. and know that it wasn't meant to be, for us. ever.
that's a plan.
besides, you wouldn't believe my life. you wouldn't believe how i gave my phone number to a waiter whom i strongly feel is my future husband. how i take risks and get loud when i'm not myself. how i'm happy and make plans that never really turn out that way. how i go to school now and am so truly close to fitting in. how i'm not as weak as before when we first met. how i write for the school newspaper and finally have a voice. i guess things change. you wouldn't believe my life. i hope i'll someday be able to believe yours. and all this at 16? that's insane. insane.
happy turkey day.