All she keeps inside, isn't on the label...
I watched Real World tonight, and even though every episode I see I say out loud how crazy Paula is, on the inside--I sympathize with her. She is me. Where she maintains her control with her weight (or lack thereof) I maintain control with school. She clings to her ex boyfriend because she thinks that he is the best she can do. I push Michael away because I believe he's too good for me, and better off without me. The words coming out of her mouth to the therapist could have been mine.
God damn it. I'm so tired of everyone saying I'll be okay. I'm NOT okay. I don't feel okay. My chest hurts, my head hurts, my eyes burn from crying so much anymore. I want to be taken seriously. Simply saying "well you have to make an effort, make the necessary changes" isn't going to help. I know what's wrong with me, I know what I need to change. I don't have the dedication/motivation/means of changing the way I've been for 21 years though.
The root of all my problems? I don't like me. I look in the mirror, and I am disgusted by the girl looking back at me. I am unhappy physically and mentally with myself. I think by cutting my hair, or buying new clothes I'll start to like me. If the outside is alright, maybe the inside will be too. But that's not the case. I don't like my weight at all, but I find comfort in eating like shit. It fills a void. I can't believe I'm beautiful in the way I look, especially with my stomach. I am so tired of being "the chubby one". But can I dedicate myself to doing something about it? Of course not. I'll start but then back down, either too lazy or too overwhelmed with everything else to continue. I can't do it on my own. I need support.
Speaking of which, my social supports are few and far between. Besides my father and Michael, I don't have much. I have other friends I know I can rely on, but the ones who know me best aren't there. Chrissy and I have not talked as much/hung out as much as I wish we could. She's got a whole new group of friends anyway. It seems that she's accepted our friendship as drifting, or maybe she hasn't, but me on the other hand--I feel like I'm pulling at the final threads of things to try to re-institute my friendship with her, bring it back to the way it was earlier. I can't let my best friend since 4th grade slip away like that. My other best friend, Kat, hasn't spoken to me in forever. And the one time I really wanted to talk with her, NEEDED to talk to her to get this all off my back--she couldn't. I feel lost. My mother hasn't spoken to me in 2 weeks. I wasn't able to go home two weekends ago just so nothing would get stirred up. Those who I need most, aren't there.
I have a problem letting go. I'm sure my changing friendships are because of my actions and where I am in life, but I don't want the ones I have right now to change. I want to re-open communication between me and lost friends. I've been grappling with the decision to message Krystle, because I miss her. Jenn and Annie too. I hate that there's all harsh feelings there. I want to rewind and do things differently. I hate walking across campus and seeing something Jenn would find hilarious and not being able to tell her. Then reality sinks in, and I need to acknowledge they have their lives without me. Words have been said, ties have been cut. I can't repair everything that's now in my past. I know I need to acknowledge it as my past and move on. Something is holding me back from that though.
I need to sit back and just enjoy life. I need to stop over-analyzing. I need to stop worrying. I know what needs to be done. But where do I start?
I'm scared. I'm scared of the future. I'm scared of how life is right now. I'm scared of losing the few people I have left. I'm scared that I'll have Michael and my family on by Birthday. I'm disappointed. With myself, my behaviors, my feelings.
I don't know why I'm rambling in this. I'm sure someone is going to get offended during this whole spchiel, and then I'm going to have something else to worry about. But I'm writing--stream of consciousness right now. Maybe by the morning I'll decide to delete the entry, who knows. But right now, this is therapeutic and that's the most important part. Maybe it'll help.
I want to be fixed. I acknowledge I'm depressed, and I need to change it. I just don't know how.
help?
God damn it. I'm so tired of everyone saying I'll be okay. I'm NOT okay. I don't feel okay. My chest hurts, my head hurts, my eyes burn from crying so much anymore. I want to be taken seriously. Simply saying "well you have to make an effort, make the necessary changes" isn't going to help. I know what's wrong with me, I know what I need to change. I don't have the dedication/motivation/means of changing the way I've been for 21 years though.
The root of all my problems? I don't like me. I look in the mirror, and I am disgusted by the girl looking back at me. I am unhappy physically and mentally with myself. I think by cutting my hair, or buying new clothes I'll start to like me. If the outside is alright, maybe the inside will be too. But that's not the case. I don't like my weight at all, but I find comfort in eating like shit. It fills a void. I can't believe I'm beautiful in the way I look, especially with my stomach. I am so tired of being "the chubby one". But can I dedicate myself to doing something about it? Of course not. I'll start but then back down, either too lazy or too overwhelmed with everything else to continue. I can't do it on my own. I need support.
Speaking of which, my social supports are few and far between. Besides my father and Michael, I don't have much. I have other friends I know I can rely on, but the ones who know me best aren't there. Chrissy and I have not talked as much/hung out as much as I wish we could. She's got a whole new group of friends anyway. It seems that she's accepted our friendship as drifting, or maybe she hasn't, but me on the other hand--I feel like I'm pulling at the final threads of things to try to re-institute my friendship with her, bring it back to the way it was earlier. I can't let my best friend since 4th grade slip away like that. My other best friend, Kat, hasn't spoken to me in forever. And the one time I really wanted to talk with her, NEEDED to talk to her to get this all off my back--she couldn't. I feel lost. My mother hasn't spoken to me in 2 weeks. I wasn't able to go home two weekends ago just so nothing would get stirred up. Those who I need most, aren't there.
I have a problem letting go. I'm sure my changing friendships are because of my actions and where I am in life, but I don't want the ones I have right now to change. I want to re-open communication between me and lost friends. I've been grappling with the decision to message Krystle, because I miss her. Jenn and Annie too. I hate that there's all harsh feelings there. I want to rewind and do things differently. I hate walking across campus and seeing something Jenn would find hilarious and not being able to tell her. Then reality sinks in, and I need to acknowledge they have their lives without me. Words have been said, ties have been cut. I can't repair everything that's now in my past. I know I need to acknowledge it as my past and move on. Something is holding me back from that though.
I need to sit back and just enjoy life. I need to stop over-analyzing. I need to stop worrying. I know what needs to be done. But where do I start?
I'm scared. I'm scared of the future. I'm scared of how life is right now. I'm scared of losing the few people I have left. I'm scared that I'll have Michael and my family on by Birthday. I'm disappointed. With myself, my behaviors, my feelings.
I don't know why I'm rambling in this. I'm sure someone is going to get offended during this whole spchiel, and then I'm going to have something else to worry about. But I'm writing--stream of consciousness right now. Maybe by the morning I'll decide to delete the entry, who knows. But right now, this is therapeutic and that's the most important part. Maybe it'll help.
I want to be fixed. I acknowledge I'm depressed, and I need to change it. I just don't know how.
help?