a convenient outlet for when i don't know who to talk to.
the prospect of having a crush, and pursuing them, and succeeding, is so intoxicating to me. i want to do it so badly, and the fact that i am in a stable relationship currently gives me such guilt, and stomach aches, because i know i just want to be doing something else.
but i love todd. and i have a feeling that i just want to do something else *for now*, which is key. because i used to break up with people due to a lack of foresight, and realize within a few days that i wanted them back.
but it's hard. i mean, i imagine it would be hard for anyone, but it's especially hard for me -- i'm a super sexual person, and i'm in need of frequent cuddling, reassurance, and attention. and really, the novelty is so attractive - the thrill.
and as quickly as this feeling comes on, and as strongly as it does, it fades. and i am content - no, happy - to be in a relationship again. and even while i go back and forth in terms of wanting commitment or not, i am so grateful for what i have.
i feel like i allow my relationships to hold me back, though. i don't feel the need to deepen my relationships with other people since i have done so much deepening with one person.
people in the 80s had more people to confide in than people now do. and that scares me. i'd like to have a group of friends, people who i really love and trust, in addition to a committed relationship with a partner.
oh, and then there's the fun fact that i want to date a woman. like, pretty badly. because i wonder if it would make all the doubts i've ever had about relationships, and my capacity to be in them, fade away. or if it would make me realize that there is a struggle in every situation.
i mean, of course there's always difficulties to work through. but what i'm saying is that, often in the pit of my stomach, i doubt the ... authenticity of my attraction to men, and the basis for or strength of my relationships with them. and i know one relationship with one woman would not tell me much, really, about my orientation (because i can't generalize from one to a whole) but i do think it would inevitably clear things up.
and i don't want to be my mom, who always had a feeling she was gay, and never pursued. and who still toys with it from time to time, but backs away slowly all the same.
and honestly, when i'm with todd, it feels ok. no, it feels good. it feels right. i feel so comfortable with him. i trust him. but when he's not here, i begin undermining the relationship (do i really feel that way, or do i just pretend to because i want to? can i really do the long-distance thing? is it worth it to me?)
and when i used to have these insecurities about a relationship, they used to go further because i would find support for my fears -- like the person didn't love me enough, or wasn't affectionate enough, or didn't understand me enough -- but time and again reality forces me to re-evaluate these insecurities with todd.
and i know i'm lucky. i know that. and i constantly reaffirm it for myself. but sometimes, i just want to be reckless, and daring, and push my limits, and have regrets. i've been good. can i just have some stupid, meaningless fun?
and the fact is, he's said i could hook up with women. or date them. but really, i wish he hadn't given me permission, because it's almost harder with it. now, i can't just transgress, and postpone thinking about the consequences. now it has to be a conscious decision - i'm going to kiss this girl, and todd and i will have to have talks about what it means to me, and what it means for us ... and generally, it doesn't seem worth it. but i miss the adrenaline rush, and the shock value. i frankly bore myself. i feel so steady, and healthy, i feel like this is a pretty tame way to shake things up.
and i don't even know what i think about monogamy, anyway. i don't really like it, but i stick to it because it's important to todd. and again, he doesn't enforce anything, doesn't level any threats, doesn't even make requests that i can't handle - it's just that i can hear it in his voice, hear that it would hurt him, hear how much he loves me, and any thought of acting on my impulses stops.
and it'd be one thing, of course, if he were going to hook-up with people while i was going crazy over here, because then there's no room for resentment. but i'm pretty sure he wouldn't. he says he wouldn't. maybe there's some way to trust that he wouldn't hold it against me if i did, even if he didn't?
i don't think i trust that. like, i would want no consequences. why should there be consequences for being emotionally or physically attracted to someone, and acting on it? really, it's so cultural, and not "natural"...not that it ends up mattering any less. because we are in the culture we're in, of course, so i have to choose to play by its expectations (or not), and if i don't, i can't claim to be surprised by the repercussions.
s'where i'm at. also, i think i'm going through nyquil withdrawal. fucked up shit, y'hear? don't take more than the correct dosage for a week straight and expect your face not to twitch like crazy.
but i love todd. and i have a feeling that i just want to do something else *for now*, which is key. because i used to break up with people due to a lack of foresight, and realize within a few days that i wanted them back.
but it's hard. i mean, i imagine it would be hard for anyone, but it's especially hard for me -- i'm a super sexual person, and i'm in need of frequent cuddling, reassurance, and attention. and really, the novelty is so attractive - the thrill.
and as quickly as this feeling comes on, and as strongly as it does, it fades. and i am content - no, happy - to be in a relationship again. and even while i go back and forth in terms of wanting commitment or not, i am so grateful for what i have.
i feel like i allow my relationships to hold me back, though. i don't feel the need to deepen my relationships with other people since i have done so much deepening with one person.
people in the 80s had more people to confide in than people now do. and that scares me. i'd like to have a group of friends, people who i really love and trust, in addition to a committed relationship with a partner.
oh, and then there's the fun fact that i want to date a woman. like, pretty badly. because i wonder if it would make all the doubts i've ever had about relationships, and my capacity to be in them, fade away. or if it would make me realize that there is a struggle in every situation.
i mean, of course there's always difficulties to work through. but what i'm saying is that, often in the pit of my stomach, i doubt the ... authenticity of my attraction to men, and the basis for or strength of my relationships with them. and i know one relationship with one woman would not tell me much, really, about my orientation (because i can't generalize from one to a whole) but i do think it would inevitably clear things up.
and i don't want to be my mom, who always had a feeling she was gay, and never pursued. and who still toys with it from time to time, but backs away slowly all the same.
and honestly, when i'm with todd, it feels ok. no, it feels good. it feels right. i feel so comfortable with him. i trust him. but when he's not here, i begin undermining the relationship (do i really feel that way, or do i just pretend to because i want to? can i really do the long-distance thing? is it worth it to me?)
and when i used to have these insecurities about a relationship, they used to go further because i would find support for my fears -- like the person didn't love me enough, or wasn't affectionate enough, or didn't understand me enough -- but time and again reality forces me to re-evaluate these insecurities with todd.
and i know i'm lucky. i know that. and i constantly reaffirm it for myself. but sometimes, i just want to be reckless, and daring, and push my limits, and have regrets. i've been good. can i just have some stupid, meaningless fun?
and the fact is, he's said i could hook up with women. or date them. but really, i wish he hadn't given me permission, because it's almost harder with it. now, i can't just transgress, and postpone thinking about the consequences. now it has to be a conscious decision - i'm going to kiss this girl, and todd and i will have to have talks about what it means to me, and what it means for us ... and generally, it doesn't seem worth it. but i miss the adrenaline rush, and the shock value. i frankly bore myself. i feel so steady, and healthy, i feel like this is a pretty tame way to shake things up.
and i don't even know what i think about monogamy, anyway. i don't really like it, but i stick to it because it's important to todd. and again, he doesn't enforce anything, doesn't level any threats, doesn't even make requests that i can't handle - it's just that i can hear it in his voice, hear that it would hurt him, hear how much he loves me, and any thought of acting on my impulses stops.
and it'd be one thing, of course, if he were going to hook-up with people while i was going crazy over here, because then there's no room for resentment. but i'm pretty sure he wouldn't. he says he wouldn't. maybe there's some way to trust that he wouldn't hold it against me if i did, even if he didn't?
i don't think i trust that. like, i would want no consequences. why should there be consequences for being emotionally or physically attracted to someone, and acting on it? really, it's so cultural, and not "natural"...not that it ends up mattering any less. because we are in the culture we're in, of course, so i have to choose to play by its expectations (or not), and if i don't, i can't claim to be surprised by the repercussions.
s'where i'm at. also, i think i'm going through nyquil withdrawal. fucked up shit, y'hear? don't take more than the correct dosage for a week straight and expect your face not to twitch like crazy.