I hate the whole idea of moving. this entry is really long
You know.. it's one thing to make me move to Texas my senior year... but to make me spend my last Christmas in California there too? I mean, they should at least have the decency to let me spend these last days with my friends, not those days with the people I'm going to have to see everyday. I love my grandparents and all, but I hate them for moving to Houston in the first place. Their house was great in New Jersey, their business as well. But moving there, they got all my aunts and uncles to go too, and now my mother wants to be there. Not here in the only home I've ever known, but in a shithole of a town that will never compare to here. No offense to natives of the town, but I hate you already. My life will never be same. I'll never be able to keep in touch with the great friends I have here. I'm not gonna be naive about this shit. Sure, we'll say that we're gonna keep in touch, and that I'll fly out here, but how do we know that that's really going to happen? I've had many friends move away and promise that we'll keep in touch. And we do. Sort of. That's only since myspace is around. Though, the only "keeping in touch" that we do is commenting each other once in a while, or maybe really small talk on AIM. No one calls. No no really tries to keep in touch. When we do comment each other, it's that one time that we remember them after they left. A simple memory to tell you that they still exist, but after that it's months again until we talk/ comment/ or IM each other. I don't want that. I want to stay here with the friends that I love, the friends that were always there for me when I needed them.
Lately, Texas has been the cause of my nightmares. Before, it was seeing my grandparents there every once in a while. Now, it's seeing them everyday, even before that "everyday" is supposed to even begin. What the hell were my parents thinking? Making me leave my senior year. This could affect my future in a large way. What if their graduation requirements are different to that of the ones here at Savanna? What if because of that I don't get to graduate? I don't go to college? This is all fucking bullshit. I mean, I probably am going to graduate, but I don't want to graduate anywhere but here. Where my brother's did, and where I planned on graduating. Just thinking about this shit is making me depressed. I need to rant though. You'd think I'm done, but I'm not.
How can anyone leave California? There's no place like it. No place can even compare to the things that we have here. I have a shitty house though, but I love this place. And in this shitty house, I have a shitty room. I love this room though. It's the one place in my house where I can get away from it all. I don't think that Texas will ever really feel like home to me. I am way too attached to this place. I'm too attached to the people. I'm too attached to my church. My school. Everything around me. I know for sure that my last day here will feel like the most depressing day of my life. Just thinking about it is making me more depressed than I have felt all week. This is the first time I really thought about it... my last day. That first thought, my eyes immediately teared... I don't even want to think about it, but since I did, it's all I'm going to be thinking about now.
Fuck this. I won't want this. I had so much planned for my future. In my plans, there wasn't a single thought in my mind that I would ever leave California. No matter what my parents say to me, I'm coming back for college. Even if they threaten to not pay for it if I do, so-be-it. I'll live on my own. I'll find my own way to pay for it. I'll find a way to pay for an apartment. No matter what my obstacle will be, I'll find a way to get through it. As of right now. I don't need my parents. I don't want them. I can't think about them without crying. Coming from me... this is a lot. If you know me well enough, you know my stance on family. I love family. I had very high family morals. But since they made all these decisions without even considering how it will affect me. I can't stand this. Whenever I think or type these things, I start sobbing.
I hate this. I feel like I'm the only one in this family that this is really affecting, not once had my brothers tried to talk to me about it. Not once. My parents won't talk to me about it. They yell at me every time I bring it up. They don't care about how I feel. My uncle pulled me out and made me talk about it. Before that, I don't think he has ever seen me cry. And before that, whenever i spoke to him, all we did was argue. Now I have so much more respect for him now that I know that he really does care. I love my cousins too. And it kills me that now they will be so far away. Vivian, shes always been like a sister to me. The only girl in my family here that I can talk to. I love her to death, even if we don't see each other that much. Outside of this small amount of family that really care, I have these wonderful friends that I have acquired throughout these years. They've helped me out so much since I first found out that I was moving. They've given me so much emotional support, and that's all I really needed. Indefinitely, these people hold a permanent spot in my heart. I feel naive for saying this though, I've contradicted myself so many times now typing this now. But I believe that they will hold that spot forever. I won't always have them on my mind, but in my heart they'll never leave.
Enough with this. I still have more to say. This move is a selfish thought spawned from the mind of my mother. I know for a fact that my dad doesn't want to move, but my mother bases this move on our money issue. Not getting enough work in their business. And what's stupid about it is that not once have they tried to find more work at a different company. They love this business, they've owned it for almost 10 years now. They love it. I know it. You could see it in their faces. And their employees love them too. My mother is planning on selling the business, and open a restaurant in Houston. Sure my mother cooks really well, but only like 1 in 10 restaurants really make it. On to my dad... this move for him would be a big thing as well. Here in California, lives his only 2 brothers in the state (both in which I'm close with), his closest friends since he lived in New Orleans 20 years ago, his war buddies, and many other people that I have failed to think of.
Okay. I'm planning on this paragraph being the last one. This year has probably been one of the best/ worst years of my life. I'm talking about 2005, not the school year. Roughly around second semester last year, I became good friends with a wonderful bunch of girls at my school. Enge, Marcella, and Kimberly. I love these girls so much. You don't even know. Without them, I don't know how I would remain as sane as I have been up to this point. They are the reason why this year was considered one of the best. And I think you know why this is considered one of the worst as well. Texas. jkajflkajsflkjasklf;. I'll miss so many people. Especially Feurene and Kevin. My two best friends on the planet. What really sucks is that I is that they would probably forget me when I'm gone. I hope not though. :[
ok. I'm done. You're done reading. If you read this whole thing, it shows that you really do care about me. And I love you for it. Now, call me. You probably have my number.
Lately, Texas has been the cause of my nightmares. Before, it was seeing my grandparents there every once in a while. Now, it's seeing them everyday, even before that "everyday" is supposed to even begin. What the hell were my parents thinking? Making me leave my senior year. This could affect my future in a large way. What if their graduation requirements are different to that of the ones here at Savanna? What if because of that I don't get to graduate? I don't go to college? This is all fucking bullshit. I mean, I probably am going to graduate, but I don't want to graduate anywhere but here. Where my brother's did, and where I planned on graduating. Just thinking about this shit is making me depressed. I need to rant though. You'd think I'm done, but I'm not.
How can anyone leave California? There's no place like it. No place can even compare to the things that we have here. I have a shitty house though, but I love this place. And in this shitty house, I have a shitty room. I love this room though. It's the one place in my house where I can get away from it all. I don't think that Texas will ever really feel like home to me. I am way too attached to this place. I'm too attached to the people. I'm too attached to my church. My school. Everything around me. I know for sure that my last day here will feel like the most depressing day of my life. Just thinking about it is making me more depressed than I have felt all week. This is the first time I really thought about it... my last day. That first thought, my eyes immediately teared... I don't even want to think about it, but since I did, it's all I'm going to be thinking about now.
Fuck this. I won't want this. I had so much planned for my future. In my plans, there wasn't a single thought in my mind that I would ever leave California. No matter what my parents say to me, I'm coming back for college. Even if they threaten to not pay for it if I do, so-be-it. I'll live on my own. I'll find my own way to pay for it. I'll find a way to pay for an apartment. No matter what my obstacle will be, I'll find a way to get through it. As of right now. I don't need my parents. I don't want them. I can't think about them without crying. Coming from me... this is a lot. If you know me well enough, you know my stance on family. I love family. I had very high family morals. But since they made all these decisions without even considering how it will affect me. I can't stand this. Whenever I think or type these things, I start sobbing.
I hate this. I feel like I'm the only one in this family that this is really affecting, not once had my brothers tried to talk to me about it. Not once. My parents won't talk to me about it. They yell at me every time I bring it up. They don't care about how I feel. My uncle pulled me out and made me talk about it. Before that, I don't think he has ever seen me cry. And before that, whenever i spoke to him, all we did was argue. Now I have so much more respect for him now that I know that he really does care. I love my cousins too. And it kills me that now they will be so far away. Vivian, shes always been like a sister to me. The only girl in my family here that I can talk to. I love her to death, even if we don't see each other that much. Outside of this small amount of family that really care, I have these wonderful friends that I have acquired throughout these years. They've helped me out so much since I first found out that I was moving. They've given me so much emotional support, and that's all I really needed. Indefinitely, these people hold a permanent spot in my heart. I feel naive for saying this though, I've contradicted myself so many times now typing this now. But I believe that they will hold that spot forever. I won't always have them on my mind, but in my heart they'll never leave.
Enough with this. I still have more to say. This move is a selfish thought spawned from the mind of my mother. I know for a fact that my dad doesn't want to move, but my mother bases this move on our money issue. Not getting enough work in their business. And what's stupid about it is that not once have they tried to find more work at a different company. They love this business, they've owned it for almost 10 years now. They love it. I know it. You could see it in their faces. And their employees love them too. My mother is planning on selling the business, and open a restaurant in Houston. Sure my mother cooks really well, but only like 1 in 10 restaurants really make it. On to my dad... this move for him would be a big thing as well. Here in California, lives his only 2 brothers in the state (both in which I'm close with), his closest friends since he lived in New Orleans 20 years ago, his war buddies, and many other people that I have failed to think of.
Okay. I'm planning on this paragraph being the last one. This year has probably been one of the best/ worst years of my life. I'm talking about 2005, not the school year. Roughly around second semester last year, I became good friends with a wonderful bunch of girls at my school. Enge, Marcella, and Kimberly. I love these girls so much. You don't even know. Without them, I don't know how I would remain as sane as I have been up to this point. They are the reason why this year was considered one of the best. And I think you know why this is considered one of the worst as well. Texas. jkajflkajsflkjasklf;. I'll miss so many people. Especially Feurene and Kevin. My two best friends on the planet. What really sucks is that I is that they would probably forget me when I'm gone. I hope not though. :[
ok. I'm done. You're done reading. If you read this whole thing, it shows that you really do care about me. And I love you for it. Now, call me. You probably have my number.