(no subject)
Ever have that gut wrenching feeling in your stomach that you hate so badly who you are, who you've become, how life is.. that you honestly contemplate ripping yourself apart at the seams and tearing every fucking living piece of you out.
I talked to the friend today. (You always get a lecture from the friend) and it wasn't half as bad as the other's I've been through. At least she didn't threaten me like most. It was just sad, how two people can hurt eachother so much..
I can be told "She's difficult" or "I hate the way she acts sometimes" but it's NOTHING like that. I LOVE the way she acts. I love everything about her except one. So, when I came to that conclusion, I did my best to love her regardless of that one thing, because the good was so much fucking better than the bad. But it's not in my nature to ignore the bad completely. It dies, and then rebuilds. Only to cause me to fucking LASH OUT like a maniac who's been holding a secret in for too fucking long. I don't know what to say anymore, let alone what to do, what to think. I can think of two solutions. One which would hurt us both (stop talking, cancel flight, pretend the other never existed, etc.) The second, ask her to choose. It's just really hard to do such a thing when you don't think the person will choose you. Even if she said "I can't choose," that would be choosing for me, and I'd feel like giving up. Because I've been there, I've been there a lot longer, a lot more, and quite honestly I'd do it for her. How do you ask someone to fucking PICK YOU? It feels like that's what I've been asking all along, and time and time again she hasn't. It's heartbreaking, really. To never feel good enough, to feel like the cold hearted bitch all the fucking time, because the second you start to actually FEEL something, it eats you up until you choke on air and memories, and lies, and tears.
I'm an emotional fucking trainwreck.
Care to know the best part? Last night.. went to go get drunk and have sex with someone I've never even heard of.
FUCK CRYING FUCK IT FUCK THIS FUCK FUCK FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK.
I have to go to Belmar soon. Fake smiles and multiple trips to the car for cigarettes it is.. I'll take my camera, there's probably still some snow on the beach.
I talked to the friend today. (You always get a lecture from the friend) and it wasn't half as bad as the other's I've been through. At least she didn't threaten me like most. It was just sad, how two people can hurt eachother so much..
I can be told "She's difficult" or "I hate the way she acts sometimes" but it's NOTHING like that. I LOVE the way she acts. I love everything about her except one. So, when I came to that conclusion, I did my best to love her regardless of that one thing, because the good was so much fucking better than the bad. But it's not in my nature to ignore the bad completely. It dies, and then rebuilds. Only to cause me to fucking LASH OUT like a maniac who's been holding a secret in for too fucking long. I don't know what to say anymore, let alone what to do, what to think. I can think of two solutions. One which would hurt us both (stop talking, cancel flight, pretend the other never existed, etc.) The second, ask her to choose. It's just really hard to do such a thing when you don't think the person will choose you. Even if she said "I can't choose," that would be choosing for me, and I'd feel like giving up. Because I've been there, I've been there a lot longer, a lot more, and quite honestly I'd do it for her. How do you ask someone to fucking PICK YOU? It feels like that's what I've been asking all along, and time and time again she hasn't. It's heartbreaking, really. To never feel good enough, to feel like the cold hearted bitch all the fucking time, because the second you start to actually FEEL something, it eats you up until you choke on air and memories, and lies, and tears.
I'm an emotional fucking trainwreck.
Care to know the best part? Last night.. went to go get drunk and have sex with someone I've never even heard of.
FUCK CRYING FUCK IT FUCK THIS FUCK FUCK FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK.
I have to go to Belmar soon. Fake smiles and multiple trips to the car for cigarettes it is.. I'll take my camera, there's probably still some snow on the beach.