(no subject)
Two hours until exam time. Manic cramming should have set in by now, that panicked feeling associated with the void of knowledge that should be filled by Nixon's detantes and the misconceptions about Bush I's regime. But it hasn't. Instead- sleepiness, feelings that nothing will ever be accomplished the way it should. Because even when it does, even when an entire organization tries and tries and tries, there is still that one point where you are overlooked, the one avenue of appreciation that is necessary for survival but does not see.
Five of weeks of classes left? Can that be right? Five weeks until graduation, just over one month until the fashion show, a month and a half until Tucson is a distant memory and the streets of New York are standing there, beckoning in the cold, gruff, "move your ass, there are people with shit to do" way that only big cities can pull off? It can't be...
But it is. Sure, it's a new beginning, a time of drama and mystery, where you can be anyone or just simply be yourself. But it's also an end, although it's harder to fully dissect that thought since so much more seems to be ending than beginning - school, friendships, security, parental money, small(ish) town life, relationships, organizations, support... all of a sudden, disappearing.
Are you making the right decision?
Why are you second guessing everything?
Suck it up, enter the real world, get a job. Be someone.
I'm trying, trying, always trying.
But first I have to decide what the next month and a half are bringing, why I'm still here and how to tie up Tucson into a nice little package to place in my memories, one that won't tug too much on the heartstrings when I'm lost in the big city. And there's nothing to study that will tell you how to figure that out, so instead I do what I always do - chain smoke on the porch despite promises of quitting, procrastinating evermore until the exam is just an hour away and I sigh, grab some coffee, and open my book.
Five of weeks of classes left? Can that be right? Five weeks until graduation, just over one month until the fashion show, a month and a half until Tucson is a distant memory and the streets of New York are standing there, beckoning in the cold, gruff, "move your ass, there are people with shit to do" way that only big cities can pull off? It can't be...
But it is. Sure, it's a new beginning, a time of drama and mystery, where you can be anyone or just simply be yourself. But it's also an end, although it's harder to fully dissect that thought since so much more seems to be ending than beginning - school, friendships, security, parental money, small(ish) town life, relationships, organizations, support... all of a sudden, disappearing.
Are you making the right decision?
Why are you second guessing everything?
Suck it up, enter the real world, get a job. Be someone.
I'm trying, trying, always trying.
But first I have to decide what the next month and a half are bringing, why I'm still here and how to tie up Tucson into a nice little package to place in my memories, one that won't tug too much on the heartstrings when I'm lost in the big city. And there's nothing to study that will tell you how to figure that out, so instead I do what I always do - chain smoke on the porch despite promises of quitting, procrastinating evermore until the exam is just an hour away and I sigh, grab some coffee, and open my book.