a living dance upon dead minds.
i had a job interview yesterday at claire's accessories. i'm hoping it went okay, though due to lack of prior experience with these things i really can't tell. they were all very friendly, & it'd definitely be nice to work there. it'd be at weekends, & extra days during holidays. i need the money, basically. i had to have a go handing out baskets to customers, so they could watch me in action, hmm.
i'm kind of fed up with people seeing me how i'm not. i wish these sub-trends didn't really exist, so then i could be who i want to be without being accused of falling into one or more of them. clothes should not be what guides a person's opinion of someone, surely that's too superficial, but yet it is, again & again. i know i even do it myself sometimes. it's a western thing. this whole 'scene' thing is rather stupid too, & i lower my own credibility by even recognising it, i know. of course, trends in clothing & styles are always going to happen. but if you choose to wear something, & it happens to be in such a 'scene' (be it indie, emo, whatever), can you really help that? i like bits & pieces from everywhere; which makes me so indie scene, so emo scene, so ska scene, so fucking scene. god help me. i have low esteem so i tend to try & make an effort to dress in a way i deem as well, so i feel like i'm myself, & i feel as best i can. i go to indie gigs & 'emo' gigs & metal gigs. it's so frustrating, the need for everyone to be labelled like food! i always thought i was fairly true to myself, but it's being taken away from me - as though i'm not me, i'm am emulation of this or that genre. psssh.
i'm sorry if i've insulted you. insulting you would never be a thing i'd intentionally do, i promise. but when i say i miss you, i do mean it. & that's not a slight on you; i'm not trying to criticise you & say you've done anything to wrong me. i just mean that we used to talk more, & we used to call each-other best friends. i liked having you, because you're an amazing person, even if you don't see it yourself sometimes, i've always been able to. & it was good to feel that you counted me as that person. i understand now, that i am viewed as a friend, but not a particularly close or trusted one. i understand that there are other people better to you than i am, & who you are more interested in. but i would desperately like for us to remain friends, good friends, because i've known you for a good few years now, & up 'til now i never though that it would be something that could end. i think there's something worth holding onto. i mean, come on, we suffered lauren together! there's a lot of great memories connected to you, & i'd like for there to be more to come. i'm sorry if thought that i was against you in anything that has happened with luke. it was just a shock, & took some re-adjustment. all i've ever wanted was for you (& he) to be happy, & it used be that luke made you happy, & so i was worried when things were seperating between you. do you understand? i was just concerned for you, because i care deeply. & i dislike it when i see you upset, & know that i'm not someone who's good enough to be there for you, though i desperately want to be. even if you choose not to make an effort to remain friends with me, i'll never forget you. you're a special, wonderful person, & you've been a loyal, & amazing friend to me for so long. i wish i could right whatever i did to lose that, if anything. maybe it just happened. anyway, i love you, & i want things to be okay again, because i feel that they're not. i hope you're okay, & that you're happy, truly. <3