ay ay ayyy
Last night was ludicrousss.
It was simultaneously awful and wonderful.
It all started out as it often does, joyride then to the lumans for me somersaulting and abc-ing and such with gabby ian and jeannie bc ben elyse and olivia aren't home yet.
Then the call about going to matt's to sit with john while he dj's, and not only one of his ex's, but two will be there!
Commence valium.
All of which hate me, and one of which has a best friend that also hates me.
They're all taken and all skanky.
if K.C. hadn't been there I would've left.
Cynthia and Amanda were HORRIBLY cunty and bitchy, Kendle was actually the one decent to me though she, like them, was hardcore and shamelessly scamming on john to my face.
I reached nirvana, became the jedi master of bullshit, a buddhist monk, a zen master, a saint.
I totally face'd'em, was syruppy sweet. When they were practically on his lap asking me didn't I think he was so sexy and hot I replied "Eh, Idk, I guess, ya really think?" and winked at him. When they harrassed me and eyeballed me I smiled huge and changed the subject to public transportation. When Amanda nearly knocked me out of my seat being on John I hopped up and talked to KC for ages. When Cynthia came over to further harrass me and eye-fuck KC and hit on him while talking about lovng his gf and not wanting to move to washington with her ex she dicked John for, KC just nodded at my assurances "You're in control, you can change it if you'd like, try it out and leave if you can't do it, nothing's irreversable, blah blah blah" with big smiles. I niced her until she felt so bad she called me pretty.
As amanda continued to patronize me and hit on john (both of their boyfriends are there, btw) I asked if her hammered ass needed help to the potty and offered them water. Amanda didn't get guilted into complimenting me, but she did get the message that Cynthia didn't...that I'm no moron or child and know just how to handle those kinds of girls.
The whole thing was pathetic, and I can take solace in them being desperate, slutty, unhappy, and likely to die before me. Which should make me sad, but they do it, and I just don't want to end up like them.
Annnd it just made John more disgusted by them and taken with me.
All in all ridiculous.
KC was my rock and we had a great talk. A crowd cheered John and I making out at the dj table. A jamaican told me he loved my shorts and they suited my body well, an old man told me I had nice legs, two told me I was a very pretty young lady and tried to guess me heritage. Matt and aaorn met us at KCs after we'd smoked a joynt, had some beers, hilarious and fun conversation, back to john's with mathee and jew baer, blunt, chips and hummus, more great conversations and support and making out, awesome sleep.
Things are changing...I'm evolving, I become more capable and less insecure all the time. I actually feel shit's on my side and my karma's affected by my mitzfas (sp? hahaaa)...when people try so hard to bring me down, I experience overwhelming support, pity for them, understanding, tolerence, and the ability to cope. It's beautiful.
While I had some moments of deep consideration last night for John's lack of action and calling me a friend (a brian mistake that changed everything), I realize we're both scared to death of the labels, he is passive to a fault, and cares for me and treats me well. Regardless, it's in the still to consider vault. I've learned a lot, and that includes no matter how well I'm being treated compared to other times, it doesn't necessarily mean it's what I deserve. I know I deserve to be with someone proud to call me theirs and them mine.
I feel careful but optimistic. I am brimming with self-respect and an appreciation for all I come to understand and process.
I feel strong for once.
I also feel vulnerable, because I'm well aware this is the closest I've been to falling since Jeff destroyed what little was left of my faith and trust in love.
So, we'll see.
I'm open.
My friends are golden, and so am I.
It was simultaneously awful and wonderful.
It all started out as it often does, joyride then to the lumans for me somersaulting and abc-ing and such with gabby ian and jeannie bc ben elyse and olivia aren't home yet.
Then the call about going to matt's to sit with john while he dj's, and not only one of his ex's, but two will be there!
Commence valium.
All of which hate me, and one of which has a best friend that also hates me.
They're all taken and all skanky.
if K.C. hadn't been there I would've left.
Cynthia and Amanda were HORRIBLY cunty and bitchy, Kendle was actually the one decent to me though she, like them, was hardcore and shamelessly scamming on john to my face.
I reached nirvana, became the jedi master of bullshit, a buddhist monk, a zen master, a saint.
I totally face'd'em, was syruppy sweet. When they were practically on his lap asking me didn't I think he was so sexy and hot I replied "Eh, Idk, I guess, ya really think?" and winked at him. When they harrassed me and eyeballed me I smiled huge and changed the subject to public transportation. When Amanda nearly knocked me out of my seat being on John I hopped up and talked to KC for ages. When Cynthia came over to further harrass me and eye-fuck KC and hit on him while talking about lovng his gf and not wanting to move to washington with her ex she dicked John for, KC just nodded at my assurances "You're in control, you can change it if you'd like, try it out and leave if you can't do it, nothing's irreversable, blah blah blah" with big smiles. I niced her until she felt so bad she called me pretty.
As amanda continued to patronize me and hit on john (both of their boyfriends are there, btw) I asked if her hammered ass needed help to the potty and offered them water. Amanda didn't get guilted into complimenting me, but she did get the message that Cynthia didn't...that I'm no moron or child and know just how to handle those kinds of girls.
The whole thing was pathetic, and I can take solace in them being desperate, slutty, unhappy, and likely to die before me. Which should make me sad, but they do it, and I just don't want to end up like them.
Annnd it just made John more disgusted by them and taken with me.
All in all ridiculous.
KC was my rock and we had a great talk. A crowd cheered John and I making out at the dj table. A jamaican told me he loved my shorts and they suited my body well, an old man told me I had nice legs, two told me I was a very pretty young lady and tried to guess me heritage. Matt and aaorn met us at KCs after we'd smoked a joynt, had some beers, hilarious and fun conversation, back to john's with mathee and jew baer, blunt, chips and hummus, more great conversations and support and making out, awesome sleep.
Things are changing...I'm evolving, I become more capable and less insecure all the time. I actually feel shit's on my side and my karma's affected by my mitzfas (sp? hahaaa)...when people try so hard to bring me down, I experience overwhelming support, pity for them, understanding, tolerence, and the ability to cope. It's beautiful.
While I had some moments of deep consideration last night for John's lack of action and calling me a friend (a brian mistake that changed everything), I realize we're both scared to death of the labels, he is passive to a fault, and cares for me and treats me well. Regardless, it's in the still to consider vault. I've learned a lot, and that includes no matter how well I'm being treated compared to other times, it doesn't necessarily mean it's what I deserve. I know I deserve to be with someone proud to call me theirs and them mine.
I feel careful but optimistic. I am brimming with self-respect and an appreciation for all I come to understand and process.
I feel strong for once.
I also feel vulnerable, because I'm well aware this is the closest I've been to falling since Jeff destroyed what little was left of my faith and trust in love.
So, we'll see.
I'm open.
My friends are golden, and so am I.