something from my paper-journal
I feel fully and completely as though I were drowning.
It's not even that I feel like crying because I really don't, though I do anyways. I just feel as though everyone couldn't care less if I lived or died. I feel like the substitute friend - I'm only good fo when there's no one else to hang out with or if you really need to make sure everyone knows how utterly miserable or unbelievably perfect your life is. I'm so through with everyone using me as a crying shoulder and then me not trusting anyone or feeling like nobody cares enough to listen to me when that's what I need more than oxygen.
I'm tired of not being attractive to anyone, I'm tired of fucking up perfectly good relationships, I'm tired of people keeping secrets and my always being the last to know, I'm tired of keeping my own secrets because no one else will, I'm tired of never getting over anything or anyone and everyone getting over me oh so quickly, I'm tired of being ignored, I'm tired of coming in last, I'm tired of never being good enough for anyone, I'm tired of being alone (so hurry up and get here), I'm just fucking tired.
All I think I need is a pair of sympathetic arms and for someone to tell me I'm beautiful and actually worth something. But I'd probably fuck that up because I've had that twice now and I just couldn't see it or something because I THREW IT THE FUCK AWAY BECAUSE I'M FUCKING STUPID and sometimes I really can't stand myself.
The thought of spending another night alone makes me sick to my stomach.
Every time I walk by someone and they laugh I think they're laughing at me and it's not like I could blame them. I'm a laughable person. Rather, a laughable excuse for a person.
I think I'd give up a lung if someone would just pretend to care about me for just a bit, just a little bit.
Sorry Mom. Sorry God.
It's not even that I feel like crying because I really don't, though I do anyways. I just feel as though everyone couldn't care less if I lived or died. I feel like the substitute friend - I'm only good fo when there's no one else to hang out with or if you really need to make sure everyone knows how utterly miserable or unbelievably perfect your life is. I'm so through with everyone using me as a crying shoulder and then me not trusting anyone or feeling like nobody cares enough to listen to me when that's what I need more than oxygen.
I'm tired of not being attractive to anyone, I'm tired of fucking up perfectly good relationships, I'm tired of people keeping secrets and my always being the last to know, I'm tired of keeping my own secrets because no one else will, I'm tired of never getting over anything or anyone and everyone getting over me oh so quickly, I'm tired of being ignored, I'm tired of coming in last, I'm tired of never being good enough for anyone, I'm tired of being alone (so hurry up and get here), I'm just fucking tired.
All I think I need is a pair of sympathetic arms and for someone to tell me I'm beautiful and actually worth something. But I'd probably fuck that up because I've had that twice now and I just couldn't see it or something because I THREW IT THE FUCK AWAY BECAUSE I'M FUCKING STUPID and sometimes I really can't stand myself.
The thought of spending another night alone makes me sick to my stomach.
Every time I walk by someone and they laugh I think they're laughing at me and it's not like I could blame them. I'm a laughable person. Rather, a laughable excuse for a person.
I think I'd give up a lung if someone would just pretend to care about me for just a bit, just a little bit.
Sorry Mom. Sorry God.