Wow
I guess that just proves a point, i haventupdated since, well forever, me and matt got back together so i guess i have been too busy trying to please him all the time. which i dont mind but i would like a off day once in a while, maybe i shouldnt complain we are back together and i wanted this but it now seems like i have to be perfect or i have this thing hanging over my head, like if i screw up even the smallest of things then he is gonna blow up in my face and break up with me, i mean just this week he has gotten mad at me like 4 times, about stupid shit. i am changing and have been changed who iam for him , but he want give anything inreturn. i love him so much but i hate him for makingme feel like iam not enough. i wanna be everything buti cant wheneverything i do, even down to just talking to my friends and not payignhim attention for a split seconded he freaks, says i am doign it again, says he is tired of having to tell me to stop screwing up, i mean god, dotn pave a one way street here honey, i want to see some movement on your side too. Everyhting feels like iam beig controled and he doesnt know he is even doign it. I know he doesnt because i know him and he wouldnt just sit there and be so demanding if he knew how it sounded everytime. it hurts to have someone continuelly tell you that you messed up, i have to sefl esteem and i have no pride, not just from him but from other stuff and i cant build one when i feel like iam being held on to so tight. it is like soap, you squeeze to hard and it is gonna pop right out of your hand. and i dont want to, i love him but i dotn need another father. i need a boyfriend, i need a strong man you can except me for who i am,and he is all that minus the exception part.i dont wanna be changed, i have change, iam shy, iam scared b/c i dont wanna mess up and that makes me nervous and i dotn know how to react to certain things and then i mess up anyway. i dotn knwo what to do, i never wanna be apart from him again, but.. iam lost about who iam right now. Im scared i will never find myself. i need soem type of advice. somebody please help me out...................Monica