they come to snuff the rooster.
i didnt mean to get myself into this. got the nightly csi bump at 7, "& then i bumped again", 8pm. at 9 platoon, "starring charlie sheen" came on. im not a sheen fan, particularly. im not a fan of war movies as a general genre. i was editing figures and times from my three day nutrition/activity log when i noted that what i was hearing was one of the songs from the hours, one of my favorite movies, by composer philip glass, whom i adore. i had no idea that he had written music for platoon. granted, id never seen platoon before, and had no knowledge of the existence of philip glass pre-hours. but i recognized the song instantly. when i looked up i saw weathered, withering men in green, looking like true products of war and that pure black tar heroin abuse, filing across screen in lines with dirt on their faces, new troops, fresh, unloading from the cargo hold of a plane. i didnt want to watch this. it brought two things to my mind immediately: one was the pamphlet on the secret world trade of drugs through the government that started with the vietnam war and all the information i learned from it and how disappointed i was at their attempt to expose sometihng very interesting without stating their sources, how they got their facts or where they were from. "the opium war." the first place i learned the words i now know an dlove of karl marx: Religion is the opiate of the people. the second thing i thought of? my father.
i started crying. not five minutes into the movie, and already the sound of philip glass, the sight of these men in uniform, and the memories of my father talking about this movie and how much he loved it had brought me to tears. not anger. not hate. it made me miss him. and i hated every second of it... but i didnt want to cut it loose. the half of me that was is aching to just go back home or call my father or hug him and tell him i love him didnt change the channel because i wanted to think about him for the first time in months. i wanted to know he was still alive. such a difficult situation, never quite knowing what to do. i know that were i still there, my situation would be no better. id still hate him, i still wouldnt speak to him, id still wish he were fucking dead. but instead i sit here not quite able to recall every reason that made my hate so violent for him and instead wondering if i am wrong for neglecting him completely knowing that the clock, for him, is ticking faster with every day. i have no words to give him... i dont know what i could gain. perhaps it is the thought that i might only save myself, one day down the road, some years of preventable regret. i do hate him. i hate the motherfucker because i love him and hes fucked up my head so goddamn much because i cant figure out which feeling is more powerful in me. i hate him for fucking up my perceptions and never being there or always being wrong, never being able to see me, only seeing a standard and pushing me into it. for holding me to expectations that no matter how i excelled i could never live up to. but i love him nonetheless, and i hate him for bringing me to this point- that i cannot think of him. instead i block him out of my mind every possible second, try not to think about the family i left behind so i dont have to care. try not to miss the things about him that always used to try my nerves. i hate him for not being able to make a choice and only avoiding the issue more. i know what will happen. i will keep this up until his clock runs out. and then i will hate him for making me wait until i had no time left.
and i will always hate for this approval-seeking, need-for-a-father-figure complex i have developed and cant get rid of or seem to ignore without becoming depressed some days. you really fucked up my head, dad. and for some reason i still fucking love you, you bastard.
platoon is a great movie. id put it among my favorites now. havent changed the channel since it came on. im glued and its great. great cast & characters, too, and im very impressed with the acting considering that a number of the individuals in the cast i recognize from other movies but never respected as true actors. and of course, the sight of johnny depp didnt hurt, either. eye candy, mmm. the soundtrack is great, too. of course because of the glassworks, and they played "White Rabbit" when sheen was introduced into the "underworld". i loved that. good transition of scenes there. i knew theyd put the drug culture in there. you cant make a movie about the vietnam war and exclude heroin and marijuana. its the politics of its use that intrigue me so. the death of elias was a central part. strangely, i didnt cry then. i suppose by the first half of the movie theres no point in crying anymore. but it was very emotional. it just reached the point where taylor (sheen) got revenge on berenger for the wrongful death. felt good to watch, too. motherfucker.
what a fucking tragedy, the whole goddamn thing. and everyone knows it. i look at iraq and see something not so different. i wonder, when they make the movies to commemorate this piece of our present when it has become another large piece of our history, do you think they will be much different?
thoughts. pointless. good movie, though. in my head-- "Rooster", Alice In Chains. and now layne staley's hotness. coincidentally, found out today that in february maynard sang for staley with the rest of AIC at a tsunami benefit concert in seattle this year. heard he made a damn good sub. im going to pursue some downloads from that event, id be interested to hear (forgive me, layne!).
"ahh, yeah."
i started crying. not five minutes into the movie, and already the sound of philip glass, the sight of these men in uniform, and the memories of my father talking about this movie and how much he loved it had brought me to tears. not anger. not hate. it made me miss him. and i hated every second of it... but i didnt want to cut it loose. the half of me that was is aching to just go back home or call my father or hug him and tell him i love him didnt change the channel because i wanted to think about him for the first time in months. i wanted to know he was still alive. such a difficult situation, never quite knowing what to do. i know that were i still there, my situation would be no better. id still hate him, i still wouldnt speak to him, id still wish he were fucking dead. but instead i sit here not quite able to recall every reason that made my hate so violent for him and instead wondering if i am wrong for neglecting him completely knowing that the clock, for him, is ticking faster with every day. i have no words to give him... i dont know what i could gain. perhaps it is the thought that i might only save myself, one day down the road, some years of preventable regret. i do hate him. i hate the motherfucker because i love him and hes fucked up my head so goddamn much because i cant figure out which feeling is more powerful in me. i hate him for fucking up my perceptions and never being there or always being wrong, never being able to see me, only seeing a standard and pushing me into it. for holding me to expectations that no matter how i excelled i could never live up to. but i love him nonetheless, and i hate him for bringing me to this point- that i cannot think of him. instead i block him out of my mind every possible second, try not to think about the family i left behind so i dont have to care. try not to miss the things about him that always used to try my nerves. i hate him for not being able to make a choice and only avoiding the issue more. i know what will happen. i will keep this up until his clock runs out. and then i will hate him for making me wait until i had no time left.
and i will always hate for this approval-seeking, need-for-a-father-figure complex i have developed and cant get rid of or seem to ignore without becoming depressed some days. you really fucked up my head, dad. and for some reason i still fucking love you, you bastard.
platoon is a great movie. id put it among my favorites now. havent changed the channel since it came on. im glued and its great. great cast & characters, too, and im very impressed with the acting considering that a number of the individuals in the cast i recognize from other movies but never respected as true actors. and of course, the sight of johnny depp didnt hurt, either. eye candy, mmm. the soundtrack is great, too. of course because of the glassworks, and they played "White Rabbit" when sheen was introduced into the "underworld". i loved that. good transition of scenes there. i knew theyd put the drug culture in there. you cant make a movie about the vietnam war and exclude heroin and marijuana. its the politics of its use that intrigue me so. the death of elias was a central part. strangely, i didnt cry then. i suppose by the first half of the movie theres no point in crying anymore. but it was very emotional. it just reached the point where taylor (sheen) got revenge on berenger for the wrongful death. felt good to watch, too. motherfucker.
what a fucking tragedy, the whole goddamn thing. and everyone knows it. i look at iraq and see something not so different. i wonder, when they make the movies to commemorate this piece of our present when it has become another large piece of our history, do you think they will be much different?
thoughts. pointless. good movie, though. in my head-- "Rooster", Alice In Chains. and now layne staley's hotness. coincidentally, found out today that in february maynard sang for staley with the rest of AIC at a tsunami benefit concert in seattle this year. heard he made a damn good sub. im going to pursue some downloads from that event, id be interested to hear (forgive me, layne!).
"ahh, yeah."