some days,
i don't have the energy to leave the house. i should go to the store and buy toilet paper. or go back to my old place and pay rent and collect my dishes and anything that charles potentially forgot. i'm dressed. charles took me to lunch because i was semi-freaking out because my pap smear from last week came back abnormal and the doctor called, wanting me to get an exam that costs in the range of $300-$600. so now i have watched the two newest episodes of weeds and played fishy and done absolutely nothing but wish that charles was home to comfort me and just be generally sweet, which he is all of the time. i sometimes get some pretty big anxiety about going out into the world by myself. it is not insanely crippling, because i will go to work. but i won't go out for anything else. not even if i'm starving and there's zero food in the house. i'd rather be hungry than go somewhere alone. what is up with that? and tyler makes me feel such guilt for being this way when i was sick. like my sadness and my anxiety interferred with his life, and i'm sure that they did. but he pushed me away and it made me worse. i seem to get like this most often in the summer. charles has a million and a half things to do for summer school and i feel like when he gets home, i'm going to be pouty and he'll pay attention to me and then not get his work done and even if he doesn't blame me on the surface, i will blame myself, and act accordingly, and he'll get even more upset and go to even greater lengths to be sweet to me and then it will just be this cycle until he gets furious with me and we break up. what the fuck am i talking about? i'm going to go read michael chabon and hopefully cheer up.