(no subject)
I swear one day, I won't be a puppet anymore.
Every day I feel like my life is just slipping through my fingers. I'm losing grip... if I even had grip to begin with. Do you ever feel like everything you do is to make other people happy, and you don't even remember what makes you happy anymore? Honestly, I've never lived for myself. I've always tried to satisfy others, and it never occurred to me that I was never satisfied with myself. Maybe it did, but I just didn't care. I didn't care if I was unhappy... not until now. We have to learn to fend for ourselves because in the end, it's just us and God.
I need help. I really, really do. I can't concentrate in class because all I can do is think about how I can kill myself with the different objects in the room. I imagine myself grabbing the dry-erase marker out of my teacher's hand and shoving it up my eye and into my brain. I imagine myself jumping out the window. I'm psychotic.
You know what my problem is? I have no goals, no hope, no dreams. I have nothing I want to pursue. Nothing interests me or excites me anymore. Hell, I'm turning 16 in two weeks and I'm not even excited for that. I was never this passive. I used to be the girl who was always smiling, laughing, and running up to give hugs to everyone. I used to be the girl who was overly enthusiastic about everything. When I look back, I can't stand the person I've become. I'm afraid to be around people because I feel that they expect me to be uplifting. Everyone used to always say that to me. "Your smile is so uplifting." Like hell it is... not anymore. I'm no uplifting person.
I don't know who I am anymore. What's a person without her dreams? I'm not even living... I'm not here. Maybe I'm just tired. Every day I wake up and I don't want to get out of bed. I never feel like doing anything. I just want to sleep.
... I want to sleep forever.