(no subject)
that feeling you get when you think you know someone really well, but then you come across the recognition that you really dont know them at all...you know nothing about what theyre really like, or their friends, or anything. all you know is the point of view that you see them from...thats a crappy feeling. you're probably saying "thats a good thing, to know someone by them, not by other peoples opinions" but what if they're lying, not telling you things, a completely different person than you percieve? I'd like to say i know most of my friends pretty well, better than that, but a couple...i just don't know. thats how it is with my dad...i thought i knew him, knew that he was a good father and was fun and semi-responsible. that is, until new years fucking day 2000, when i was FINALLY told a truth about him that i'd been oblivious to since my birth. turns out, everything i ever knew about him. ever thought about him, was bullshit. MOTHER FUCKING BULLSHIT! and another thing...i thought i was over this. i actually thought he'd get himself better, but no. he just has to keep fucking with everybody's life. i dont htink he realises how fucking hard he is making everybody's life that is close to him. i thought my mother fucking letter to him, that took me 2 days to fucking write would make a difference. i thought the 6 months of rehab, and torturous "family week" where i had to shred my heart and tell him, out loud, in front of a room of people, everything i felt about him, would make a difference. i thought his PROMISES that he fucking broke not even a goddam week later, would make a mother fucking difference. am i dumb or what, folks? no, i'm not fucking dumb, i'm just blind.
this is to everybody who judges people, who is just about every person on the earth. the person you see when you look at me, its not really me. all it is is a mask i put on to hide the real me, the one who's dying and tortured inside, and who never knows what she wants, and is olding onto things that were fleeting moments of happiness, but are smeared and almost gone now. i'm a lying, deceitful, horrible person. and don't you dare tell me otherwise, because i am right. i can never keep the lies from spilling out my open mough...maybe that's why i dont talk. and even though i lie, i can't keep from spilling the truth either. no one wants to be around someone who constantly complains about the shittiness of their life, and thats exactly what i do. as above, i try and gain pity and disguise it as friendship. i am a horrible person, and you don't want to be my friend, so don't pretend to be. leave me alone and i won't hurt you, like i hurt everybody else, like i hurt myself. and to anyone who does decide to stick by me, thank you, and i love you...but if i hurt you, i'm sorry and please don't hold it against me too bad.
i wish i could just cleanse myself, and start fresh. start a new life, where i didnt have to hide my shame and my hurt, where people would accept me as i was, and i had a brighter outlook on life. i wish i could just find love, real love, that i didn't have to search for, and come out disappointed all the time. love that would love me, and want me, and hold me back. Love from someone that i didnt have to wait for, and get hurt every time i try and express it. love from someone that i know i can have, and that i dont constantly know will never really happen. i wish i wasnt so depressed all the time, hiding things from everybody, and turning into the person i hate the most. and i am turning into him, i can feel it. i know it...i will end up just like him. i already am just like him.
this is to everybody who judges people, who is just about every person on the earth. the person you see when you look at me, its not really me. all it is is a mask i put on to hide the real me, the one who's dying and tortured inside, and who never knows what she wants, and is olding onto things that were fleeting moments of happiness, but are smeared and almost gone now. i'm a lying, deceitful, horrible person. and don't you dare tell me otherwise, because i am right. i can never keep the lies from spilling out my open mough...maybe that's why i dont talk. and even though i lie, i can't keep from spilling the truth either. no one wants to be around someone who constantly complains about the shittiness of their life, and thats exactly what i do. as above, i try and gain pity and disguise it as friendship. i am a horrible person, and you don't want to be my friend, so don't pretend to be. leave me alone and i won't hurt you, like i hurt everybody else, like i hurt myself. and to anyone who does decide to stick by me, thank you, and i love you...but if i hurt you, i'm sorry and please don't hold it against me too bad.
i wish i could just cleanse myself, and start fresh. start a new life, where i didnt have to hide my shame and my hurt, where people would accept me as i was, and i had a brighter outlook on life. i wish i could just find love, real love, that i didn't have to search for, and come out disappointed all the time. love that would love me, and want me, and hold me back. Love from someone that i didnt have to wait for, and get hurt every time i try and express it. love from someone that i know i can have, and that i dont constantly know will never really happen. i wish i wasnt so depressed all the time, hiding things from everybody, and turning into the person i hate the most. and i am turning into him, i can feel it. i know it...i will end up just like him. i already am just like him.