(no subject)
If my baby comes on its expected due date, five months from today, I will be holding my new-born child in my arms.
Next Monday, I get to have an ultrasound done. With any luck, the baby'll be in a good position to find out the gender. I am aching to know what my little baby is... I'm aching to find out who they are, what they'll be like, but that'll take time and a little bit of living first. :)
Is it strange that I dislike being called "mamma" by DJ's co-workers? They've never refered to me by name before, and now when they see me, that's what they call me. I hate it. I don't know how to nicely ask them to stop, though. And if I do, I get the feeling they'll think that I don't want to be a mamma... I do, and I look forward to my bundle of love learning how to say that. But there is no love for DJ's co-workers, and I really wish they would stop calling me that. I have a name, damnit.
I really need to find a parenting class. I'm not experienced with young children at all. Children in general, to be honest. I'm scared. Oh jeez.
I miss feeling love. I miss feeling happiness. When your dog is the only thing in your life that makes you smile, you know things are rough.
I wish, I wish, I wish. Wishing doesn't solve anything. But I feel incapable of taking action because the only things I can think of see, to hold me back from coming to any kind of solution. I know I can't do this alone, but the man I'm with... It's almost as if I'd be better off alone.
Oy. I'm depressed right now, can you tell? I try to think about the happy things, like my little baby, but it leads me to think about other stresses, and then it's hard to stop and then before I know it, I'm crying again. I'm lost. I need help. How'm I supposed to help myself? I wish I had someone encouraging in my life. My own mother stresses me out, because the only things she has to say are how life is going to be hard, and that I'm totally unprepared because I never had a younder sibling to look after, etc, etc. I know all the bad things. I know I'm not prepared. I need something useful. I need a light. Something to make things seem more do-able. SOmeone to help me become more capable. I don't have money to afford that kinda thing. What am I supposed to do?! Shit, I am making myself crazy.
DJ's going to be home soon; he gets off in about an hour. I don't really want to be here when he gets home, but I have no where else to be.
Damnit. C'mon life - toss me a friggin' bone here.
Next Monday, I get to have an ultrasound done. With any luck, the baby'll be in a good position to find out the gender. I am aching to know what my little baby is... I'm aching to find out who they are, what they'll be like, but that'll take time and a little bit of living first. :)
Is it strange that I dislike being called "mamma" by DJ's co-workers? They've never refered to me by name before, and now when they see me, that's what they call me. I hate it. I don't know how to nicely ask them to stop, though. And if I do, I get the feeling they'll think that I don't want to be a mamma... I do, and I look forward to my bundle of love learning how to say that. But there is no love for DJ's co-workers, and I really wish they would stop calling me that. I have a name, damnit.
I really need to find a parenting class. I'm not experienced with young children at all. Children in general, to be honest. I'm scared. Oh jeez.
I miss feeling love. I miss feeling happiness. When your dog is the only thing in your life that makes you smile, you know things are rough.
I wish, I wish, I wish. Wishing doesn't solve anything. But I feel incapable of taking action because the only things I can think of see, to hold me back from coming to any kind of solution. I know I can't do this alone, but the man I'm with... It's almost as if I'd be better off alone.
Oy. I'm depressed right now, can you tell? I try to think about the happy things, like my little baby, but it leads me to think about other stresses, and then it's hard to stop and then before I know it, I'm crying again. I'm lost. I need help. How'm I supposed to help myself? I wish I had someone encouraging in my life. My own mother stresses me out, because the only things she has to say are how life is going to be hard, and that I'm totally unprepared because I never had a younder sibling to look after, etc, etc. I know all the bad things. I know I'm not prepared. I need something useful. I need a light. Something to make things seem more do-able. SOmeone to help me become more capable. I don't have money to afford that kinda thing. What am I supposed to do?! Shit, I am making myself crazy.
DJ's going to be home soon; he gets off in about an hour. I don't really want to be here when he gets home, but I have no where else to be.
Damnit. C'mon life - toss me a friggin' bone here.