(no subject)
we broke up. or rather, he broke up with me because he decided that it is the best option for now. he doesn't want to keep hurting me, and he thinks this will be the best way to get his space without doing that. he says that every day he's reminded of me and he feels like he's dragging down my life by pulling me along on a break, so a break up is for the best.
i am surprisingly composed, due to a few things:
a) i was pretty sure it was coming, and after wednesday night's explosive fight, i feel like i got a lot of my upsetness out on thursday during the day. it'll be harder as the days go by and i don't see or talk to him, but for now i'm okay at most.
b) he feels just as horrible as i do. i know that's a bad thing to make me feel better, but it would be worse if he was like "yo, we're breakin' up. peace!" you know? he cried, a lot, and so did i. he kept saying he was sorry over and over and telling me it wasn't my fault and that i shouldn't think that because it's not. we took a shower and he just let me cry and held me and kissed my forehead and washed my hair for me and was just really.. nice about the whole thing, if that's the appropriate phrase.
c) he doesn't think this will last long. he told me that i "know the chances of us getting back together and being even stronger are way better than not, right?", that he still loves me and just wants to figure this out. he said that, although we are definitely broken up (because that's the closure he needs to be able to be 'free' of me and think about things, which makes sense), we're still friends and actually kind of literal dating, the part of our relationship we kind of missed out on. he said that there's great chance that sometimes he'll call to see if i wanna come shoot hoops or go get ice cream or whatever, and when i said that it was kind of like just dating, he agreed.
d) there's a brand new playboy sitting on his coffeetable. i was concerned because i know how guys often deal with breakups -- beer and women. i asked him what he was going to do about his sexual needs and he said "it's sitting on my coffeetable." he said that he has no plans to have sex in the foreseeable future, and that since he knows i am not planning at all to look for someone else, that only strengthens that. he said that he'll make do with the magazine until this situation is figured out one way or another. he told me that it hurts him to think that i would be interested in other people, and when i said i wasn't and wouldn't be, he said that he isn't either and that it is 100% NOT about anyone else and that sleeping with someone else isn't even an option for him.
e) we signed up for a four-person league with his parents that starts the 30th, and i'm still going cuz i still want to bowl and i didn't break up with his parents. he told me it's actually a good thing, because then at least he'll see me every week and the more normal things are, the more it will help.
things that make me discouraged about the situation:
a) he had already packed a garbage bag full of most of my belongings from his house, and he erased the note on the dry erase board i had written that said "i love you, brian james! =)". he said that he needs to get reminders of me out of his sight so that he can focus on figuring out what's wrong, and that makes perfect sense to me and i don't blame him. and i know that he already knew what was going to happen and that's why my things were packed, but it kind of suckerpunched me when he pulled them out.
b) i don't know when i'm going to see him next. bowling is going to be friends-only for now, which is going to be really hard physical contact-wise, but whatever. i am going to wait for him to call about plans, so who knows when that will be, and if i don't see him til bowling starts, it'll be a week and a half. not knowing things and not having things planned out bugs me in any aspect of my life, and this just makes it a trillion times worse.
c) i feel like i'm a terrible person not worth anything. colin didn't want me, dan chose another girl over me, kristen broke up with me, brian feels like somethings wrong and broke up with me. i feel fatally flawed. he told me over and over in the shower that i was beautiful and a catch and that he loved me and it's not my fault and i didn't do anything wrong, but it's hard to believe that when the pattern of your life speaks differently.
d) i love him and i'll miss him like fucking crazy.
e) my parents are being.. parent-y and dissing him and it's fuckin.. dfklgjdfg. like, he's still the guy that i love with my whole heart, so don't call him a heartless bastard. he's still the guy that's been there for me for 10 months and that i want to work things out with, so don't tell me how selfish he is. and of course i'm upset, so stop bugging me about it every two seconds because i'm trying to think about other things and keep my mind off of it.
so... i don't even know. i'm okay but i'm not okay. we're broken up but we're not broken up. he gave me back the teddy bear he gave me for valentine's day but kept the necklace i gave him for christmas and i still have a drawer of my clothes there and all he wants back is his chair cover. he's saying not to give up hope and be strong, but there's always a chance he might realize he can't be in this at all and we won't ever be together again.
i don't know how frequently i'll be around. so, yeah. hope everyone's okay. and don't fool yourself: life fucking sucks, man.
i am surprisingly composed, due to a few things:
a) i was pretty sure it was coming, and after wednesday night's explosive fight, i feel like i got a lot of my upsetness out on thursday during the day. it'll be harder as the days go by and i don't see or talk to him, but for now i'm okay at most.
b) he feels just as horrible as i do. i know that's a bad thing to make me feel better, but it would be worse if he was like "yo, we're breakin' up. peace!" you know? he cried, a lot, and so did i. he kept saying he was sorry over and over and telling me it wasn't my fault and that i shouldn't think that because it's not. we took a shower and he just let me cry and held me and kissed my forehead and washed my hair for me and was just really.. nice about the whole thing, if that's the appropriate phrase.
c) he doesn't think this will last long. he told me that i "know the chances of us getting back together and being even stronger are way better than not, right?", that he still loves me and just wants to figure this out. he said that, although we are definitely broken up (because that's the closure he needs to be able to be 'free' of me and think about things, which makes sense), we're still friends and actually kind of literal dating, the part of our relationship we kind of missed out on. he said that there's great chance that sometimes he'll call to see if i wanna come shoot hoops or go get ice cream or whatever, and when i said that it was kind of like just dating, he agreed.
d) there's a brand new playboy sitting on his coffeetable. i was concerned because i know how guys often deal with breakups -- beer and women. i asked him what he was going to do about his sexual needs and he said "it's sitting on my coffeetable." he said that he has no plans to have sex in the foreseeable future, and that since he knows i am not planning at all to look for someone else, that only strengthens that. he said that he'll make do with the magazine until this situation is figured out one way or another. he told me that it hurts him to think that i would be interested in other people, and when i said i wasn't and wouldn't be, he said that he isn't either and that it is 100% NOT about anyone else and that sleeping with someone else isn't even an option for him.
e) we signed up for a four-person league with his parents that starts the 30th, and i'm still going cuz i still want to bowl and i didn't break up with his parents. he told me it's actually a good thing, because then at least he'll see me every week and the more normal things are, the more it will help.
things that make me discouraged about the situation:
a) he had already packed a garbage bag full of most of my belongings from his house, and he erased the note on the dry erase board i had written that said "i love you, brian james! =)". he said that he needs to get reminders of me out of his sight so that he can focus on figuring out what's wrong, and that makes perfect sense to me and i don't blame him. and i know that he already knew what was going to happen and that's why my things were packed, but it kind of suckerpunched me when he pulled them out.
b) i don't know when i'm going to see him next. bowling is going to be friends-only for now, which is going to be really hard physical contact-wise, but whatever. i am going to wait for him to call about plans, so who knows when that will be, and if i don't see him til bowling starts, it'll be a week and a half. not knowing things and not having things planned out bugs me in any aspect of my life, and this just makes it a trillion times worse.
c) i feel like i'm a terrible person not worth anything. colin didn't want me, dan chose another girl over me, kristen broke up with me, brian feels like somethings wrong and broke up with me. i feel fatally flawed. he told me over and over in the shower that i was beautiful and a catch and that he loved me and it's not my fault and i didn't do anything wrong, but it's hard to believe that when the pattern of your life speaks differently.
d) i love him and i'll miss him like fucking crazy.
e) my parents are being.. parent-y and dissing him and it's fuckin.. dfklgjdfg. like, he's still the guy that i love with my whole heart, so don't call him a heartless bastard. he's still the guy that's been there for me for 10 months and that i want to work things out with, so don't tell me how selfish he is. and of course i'm upset, so stop bugging me about it every two seconds because i'm trying to think about other things and keep my mind off of it.
so... i don't even know. i'm okay but i'm not okay. we're broken up but we're not broken up. he gave me back the teddy bear he gave me for valentine's day but kept the necklace i gave him for christmas and i still have a drawer of my clothes there and all he wants back is his chair cover. he's saying not to give up hope and be strong, but there's always a chance he might realize he can't be in this at all and we won't ever be together again.
i don't know how frequently i'll be around. so, yeah. hope everyone's okay. and don't fool yourself: life fucking sucks, man.