i guess there is more to say..
I read what she had wrtten in the diary i provided that she had provided from before. She really does provide everything for me, does she know it feels weird to thank her for those things because it just may reaffirm the insecurity that i am taking from her? Im sorry if i must inform this prose on the internet, but there is a swelling pain in my back from leaning off the side of the bed and im angered at my hands for the lacking of speed with a pen. My sentences keep up with me as they run on past me. I love this woman and i have so much emotion building in my pourous skin, so much i wish i could show her but i cant cause she is at work. I am incapible to write with a pen, its too slow.. I just hate writing in that confined space.
In the beginning of reading what she had written it started to displease me because it had to do with my efforts to hold my own, with money and all. I could give a bunch of reasons and explain myself as to how and why i hold my own even if it isnt righteous. I steal and do other things to get my way, i shouldnt but i do. Well i used to. As i read on though i just wanted to tell her right then and there that i didnt want anything from that journal to leave those pages. it should stay right there. in there. its where it belongs. God i love this woman and my own perceptions cant even keep up with themselves. I found out so much in such a short period of time. The time it took to read about 60 pages. Im unorganized, but i just wish could notorize her beauty with a memo from all those days i didnt call her on time. I wish i could inform her of ho beautiful she is and how everything she has written in those confined spaces are beauty, like hipbones protruing from a body her words protrue from the pages. She wrote about how much she loved me and how much she cared.. god i dont even know where to begin which is why i find myself rambling and repeating myself. Im trying to analyze and put it on paper but i cant. I just love the fact that i got to see the truth as to what was going o in he head all those times i asked her and she said she didnt know. I got to be there for the end in a metaphorical way, im always there for everything because she is thinking about me which makes me the happiest man alive. She knows when i am distant, she knows whe i am hurt. and i guess i am guilty also for not tellin her when i had something to tell her. certain things i thought id just ovecome. there were times when i felt i ddnt want to be with her, but it wasnt that i didnt want to be with her, it was that i didnt want to deal with the responsiblities that go along with being together. i wish she knew i appreciated everything she did, but i fer that it would just reaffirm my insecurity, the insecurity of feeling im taking from her and being like some bastard of a boyfriend. which she says im not, but i am.
she doesnt even kno my fears, she has never asked me questions about who i am, about my problems.. god i dont want to be picking on her all the time, but this is who i am. Is it picking on someone by asking them questions instead of assuming? i dont say that she does. Nicole i just want you to be completely open with me even f it is through letters. If something is botherng you about me ask me about it.. i dont have the things you want because of certain fears i have yet to overcome and i am a really confused boy.. i dont know what i want alot of the time. I knw i want you.. i know i do. god see im not even making sense.. maybe i need to get my life straightened out before i continue? i dont knw i want to talk to you.. why dont you get off early for some astranged reason.
i cant write anymore.. m not a writing type of guy anymore.. only poetry, my syntax is horrible, i cant convey my messages through here. Only in voice.. god i cant wait till she gets home.
PS im gonna take better care of you.
In the beginning of reading what she had written it started to displease me because it had to do with my efforts to hold my own, with money and all. I could give a bunch of reasons and explain myself as to how and why i hold my own even if it isnt righteous. I steal and do other things to get my way, i shouldnt but i do. Well i used to. As i read on though i just wanted to tell her right then and there that i didnt want anything from that journal to leave those pages. it should stay right there. in there. its where it belongs. God i love this woman and my own perceptions cant even keep up with themselves. I found out so much in such a short period of time. The time it took to read about 60 pages. Im unorganized, but i just wish could notorize her beauty with a memo from all those days i didnt call her on time. I wish i could inform her of ho beautiful she is and how everything she has written in those confined spaces are beauty, like hipbones protruing from a body her words protrue from the pages. She wrote about how much she loved me and how much she cared.. god i dont even know where to begin which is why i find myself rambling and repeating myself. Im trying to analyze and put it on paper but i cant. I just love the fact that i got to see the truth as to what was going o in he head all those times i asked her and she said she didnt know. I got to be there for the end in a metaphorical way, im always there for everything because she is thinking about me which makes me the happiest man alive. She knows when i am distant, she knows whe i am hurt. and i guess i am guilty also for not tellin her when i had something to tell her. certain things i thought id just ovecome. there were times when i felt i ddnt want to be with her, but it wasnt that i didnt want to be with her, it was that i didnt want to deal with the responsiblities that go along with being together. i wish she knew i appreciated everything she did, but i fer that it would just reaffirm my insecurity, the insecurity of feeling im taking from her and being like some bastard of a boyfriend. which she says im not, but i am.
she doesnt even kno my fears, she has never asked me questions about who i am, about my problems.. god i dont want to be picking on her all the time, but this is who i am. Is it picking on someone by asking them questions instead of assuming? i dont say that she does. Nicole i just want you to be completely open with me even f it is through letters. If something is botherng you about me ask me about it.. i dont have the things you want because of certain fears i have yet to overcome and i am a really confused boy.. i dont know what i want alot of the time. I knw i want you.. i know i do. god see im not even making sense.. maybe i need to get my life straightened out before i continue? i dont knw i want to talk to you.. why dont you get off early for some astranged reason.
i cant write anymore.. m not a writing type of guy anymore.. only poetry, my syntax is horrible, i cant convey my messages through here. Only in voice.. god i cant wait till she gets home.
PS im gonna take better care of you.