(no subject)
At this very moment an epiphany reduced from a seclusion where it was lost in oblivion of misunderstandings.. all i ever wanted was to understand and there has been such an excess of not understanding that ive become latent in my analyzations. I want the raw and brtal truth inmy face. I want it to feel like a rock smashed upon my cranium after a 30 story drop. I want a reality check. I feel as though sometimes people arent telling me those things, its how i feel close, its my personal connection, knowing the truth about how someone feels. I dont want to hear what you think i wanna hear i wanna hear the truth. If everyone i knew were to walk up to me and tell me everything they wouldnt want to normally.. id melt, because id feel like i was a supereing, grabbing ideas and emotions people never so blatantly flung before. I could decipher these codes that so gradally become depression. I think ive lost myself at times and i just dont think ive been given enough energy. Selfish tendancies draw hunger from the membrane in which produces desire. I am always thinking that theres something to be said, maybe i want there to be. Isnt there though? I just feel more important when people tell me how they are really feeling. Its why ive reduced my inhibition to none, its why i dont mind to do stupid things and see others do stupid things, because its how im feeling. If i were to continue this facade(IMO) then i would decease and desist. Its my stimulation, i think its why i want to be a psychologist. Hearing those things people dont want you to hear make you feel important i guess, honest brutal truth right? im just being realistic. well to my perceptions of what is real. I once thought i was lost when i reality i used to be found, now i really am lost and dont know what to do. Its ben too long since i ve had someone to talk to, just all raw and in the face. Asking questions back and forth, no tendancies to please one another. I cant talk to someone really unless they are feeling a certain way also.. its all in the moment right? le sigh. im happy with nicole, i love her, but there are parts of me which are sad.
on anoher note: after reading through various entries of the past and present i saw that those thing nicole and i said are still being said.. we are still alive, we are going to last for a long time i know it. I love her, and how she does the things she does.. the flighty responses when she is tires, the easing into my lap to grab my attention, how she cops a feel on me in the car.. and how she doesnt know i cop a look here and there. Her lips are perfecion, effortless in their making they mold me.
on anoher note: after reading through various entries of the past and present i saw that those thing nicole and i said are still being said.. we are still alive, we are going to last for a long time i know it. I love her, and how she does the things she does.. the flighty responses when she is tires, the easing into my lap to grab my attention, how she cops a feel on me in the car.. and how she doesnt know i cop a look here and there. Her lips are perfecion, effortless in their making they mold me.