LIFE the boardgame [hilary version]
today was a very bizarre day. sitting down now, i realize it was very boardgame-esque.
START
SQUARE ONE: wake up. go back three square and hang yourself. it irritates me when careful counting and planning and organization and calendar-marking is all for naught. must do load of laundry.
SQUARE TWO: shower. only if you landed on square one, cos you definitely showered last night before going to bed. smack your knee on the wall in that one spot that makes you have tremors down your leg for the rest of the day. try to balance yourself on one foot by putting your hand against the door and then screaming and toppling over when the door opens.
SQUARE THREE: get dressed. do french homework. if you're awesome you get all the rest of the assignments done for the entire course and get 452/452 for the entire lab portion of your grade. fortunately, in this i am awesome.
SQUARE FOUR: read. WWI primary documents are more thrilling than primary documents from the late Roman Empire, prior to its decline. which, subsequently, are more exciting than medieval feudal system primary documents. which are only a tiny bit more exciting than poop. for a long time. talk to your mommy. experience pain because of how much you miss your mommy. or maybe because of fallopian tubes and ovaries and uteruses. if you need a break between chapters, feel free ot rearrange your toiletries and the space under your sink, using an orange crate as storage.
SQUARE FIVE: visit Laurie and Nick. happy smiles and chatting.
SQUARE SIX [note: only visit if God hates you.]: smack head full force on the corner of a damn shelf that snuck into position right above. if you see stars, miss a turn for being concussed. yell obscenities, go back to room, sit down stunned for five minutes then burst into tears and cry for half an hour. note: the pain does not stop, it will only increase. cry for your mom and finally give in and call her.
SQUARE SEVEN: talk to mommy. plus seventy million to morale and soul-points.
SQUARE EIGHT: wander around looking for ice packs. however, if you landed on square six and God hates you there wont be any.
SQUARE NINE: talk to mommy again. plus seventy million to morale and soul-points. find some frozen peas and carrots to balance painfull on your skull for fifteen minutes.
SQUARE TEN: listen to some good music. songs like doctor Jones, Barbie Girl, and Lollipop from Aqua which bring me back to 3rd grade. rock some Titanic Soundtrack. if you're feeling like a horrible person, type out ALL the lyrics to My Heart Will Go On to your best male friend. complete with the dialogue parts thrown in to induce tears.
SQUARE ELEVEN: call mommy. because she's missed. talk to mommy. plus seventy million to moral and lots of general warm feelings gained. dont want to hang up, but do.
SQUARE TWELVE: stop trying. life is gonna be a bitch sometimes. take it like a man - would you care to see my head??? - and go to sleep. get up tomorrow and it will be a better day.
SQUARE THIRTEEN: i still want to call my mom again. be a big girl and suck it up. if you can do this, you win.
FINISH.