I wish I could end....

[__handsdownx]

Well, havent updated for about 2 weeks now. I guess I jsut have nothing to write. Or maybe Im just tired of turning to this. I wish I had people to talk to...the understood how hard it is for me to love him still. Yesterday, I sat down at lunch...and was listening to this song called Photograph. About how memories got ahold of him and how he missed a chance that hell never get back again. I wish I took the chance and would have talked to him that day walking up the hill or even when I came back to take pictures. I just wish I could talk to him. Evidently hes out of a job and staying at home. That pisses me off because I know for damn sure that hes better than that. I just want to talk to him...maybe if I actually sit down with him face to face and talk to him this will work. I just need to tell him how I have felt for the past 7 or 8 months. Keeping all of this inside me is something I want to put in the past. Im so sick and tired of carrying around that burden of him not knowing how I truly feel, and me not knowing how he truly feels or felt for that matter. Its so hard for me to sit here and think about all this stuff because so many questions arise in my head. And if I dont eventually tell him no matter what he says...as long as I tell him I wont be wandering 'What if?" for the rest of my life...who knows he could have or still does, or never has and never will feel the same way about me. Maybe I was reading everything that he was doing with me wrong. Like, when he needed to use me for his portfolio, I wonder why he came to me...I know for damn well he knows prettier girls that would be more interested in it than me. But him asking me made me feel so good about my self. Yes I was said because then he was leaving but still. Though he never took pictures...the thought of him wanting to made me feel beautiful. Talking with Chris, hearing about how hes in the whole makes me feel like complete shit because one good thing....that being us talking, could lead to him wanting to get out there, and do something for himself. I dont know, maybe Im being a complete idiot and should give up. Why would someone so much older and wiser, want to be with me. Does age really not matter? I just cant get what Sherry said out of my head, becasue I never thought about it. That thought never would have crossed my mind in a million years....

heartbroken but here anyways love,
Hannah