(Untitled)

[__green_eyes__]

Lying in bed with my face buried in the pillow when the phone rings. Right on my bedside table. I really don't want to answer it for a moment, really just want to leave it, curl up and leave it to ring and ring and ring until whoever it is leaves a message

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[__green_eyes__]

By this point I'm sitting in that position again with my knees pulled up infront of me, feet crossed over eachother, and my head against my knees, looking at the lumped scratches from earlier.
"I don't- I don't know what to say, Orli...You would make me smile, any other day I'm just..."
Sigh into the phone, a little air whistle at the end that rattles in the receiver.
"I don't know...miserable, unhappy, can't tell the difference between happy and sad any more I think I'm going insane I- Christ. I- why are you in Manchester? Why are you with Charlie? I haven't- haven't spoken to you in forever..."
"Oh! Me and Charlie are together"
"You are? Isn't he a hooker?"
"Billy..."
"No, no, not for me to judge, me and Jake're hardly perfect...I know...you're not doing drugs, are you?"
"Billy! No"
"Kay"
"Stop changing the subject, I asked what was wrong..."
"And I told you, I don't know how else to put it into words except I'm scared...I just want to curl up and go to sleep and not wake up again, you know? I- I started smoking...because it was either that, cutting, or drinking, and I cut anyway....and- Christ, Orli, my dad..."

[__green_eyes__]

"I really- I really think I might be going insane...nothing feels right anymore...I keep thinking everyone's looking at me or, Jake's going to hit me...I feel like just running away...I hardly sleep and- everytime I do I have dreams or nightmares. Christ, shut up Billy. When do you think you'll be back?"

[bloom_gal]

"As soon as i can." I whisper trying to conceal the shaking part of my voice that gives away that i am crying where i sit. "As soon as i can."
"Okay..."
"Will you still be there when i am? Or will you have run away...Please be there Billy....I need you to be there... I only look because i love you....Jakes not going to hit you.Everything....Everyhtigns goign to be okay ya hear?"
I draw in a shakey breath and close my eyes remembering how all my loved ones hurt themselves or try suicide, rememebr charlie sitting there with the blade in his hand about to do it before love interveened.....and it WAS love.
"Just...Don't....Don't cut yourself okay? I love you, and i need to hear that you wont from you....Billy please."

Subconciously my own hand closes about my wrist and i close my eyes tight.

[__green_eyes__]

"Orli...I can't- I can't promise..."
"Since when have you done it Billy?"
I try to breathe, no no no can't promise can't promise can't stop not now...why does it matter so much? It hardly even hurts anymore.
"I-I...Uh..." Can't breathe, can't breathe..."For...years...since- since my parents died...Then with Brian and uh, I stopped doing it on my arms, because when he saw he...hit me, started on my legs. I- I still do it- on my legs. Orlando it's not a big deal honestly it's not, it hardly hurts anymore, and it- it's not doing any damage...please don't..."

[bloom_gal]

"I dont care if its agony or a pin prick Bill!" I whisper, my wrist is itching beneath the assortment of breacelets and my wristcuff. Beneath the material lambie on my other arm....tingling sensations on my skin and i whisper " It is doing damage....marking your skin....marking your mind.....Bill i dont want that for you. Your not with Brian anymore hes no where near you..." No where near any of us.He scares me too Billy, to the death.

"You dont need to do it anymore! You have people around you who love you!We ...We got Brian Bill, we got him for you.All of us..."

[__green_eyes__]

STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT PLEASE please please PLEASE don't, don't.
"No. No. No you don't- you don't KNOW what I need! You don't understand! It took me four years Orlando, four years to get over it Orlando four years! It's not about the cutting it's about my fucking life...you got him, yes, and I am so fucking grateful for that...so grateful...but it-" Voice quietening, cracking "it doesn't undo it...it doesn't undo what he did...it doesn't make the fucking bruises go away, or the memories, or the smell of the fucking hospital all over me, you know? None of that's going to go away. So I think I can be afforded a little release...please...don't just...just concentrate on that...it isn't even important anymore...nobody else pays any attention they just let me- I just..."

I run out of steam there. Shaking my head and staring out of my window at the night. If only you really understood, you have it shit sometimes, yeah, I know. But you can phone home...you can go home...you have so many happy memories...

[bloom_gal]

The line is quiet for a long time after that, as i bite my lip so hard it almost bleeds and he breathes nervously down the line, tears are streaming down myc heeks and i check my watch kknwoing i better frehsen up before Charlie gets in and fusses un-necessarily.

Finally i whisper, "I'm sorry.....Billy Im sorry I........" can't help.Don't know how to help.

I run my fingers through my hair.
"I just want you.....to be okay.......thats all i want."

[__green_eyes__]

"S'all I want too Orli...s'just gonna take a while..."Uh- I- How's Charlie? I've never spoken to him but...he came to the hospital, I think...held Jake for a while in the garden, stopped him crying...'was nice of him...he ok?"

I just want to change the subject for a moment. Pulling my legs up closer to me, covers looser, and picking at a scab absently just for that tiny rush as you speak.

"Yeah no he's cool, he's ok. Hasn't really stopped raining here yet...but then it is the midlands, right?"
I smile slightly, chuckle into the mouthpiece.
"Yeah...heh, wonder what it's like in Glasgow...probably raining there too..."

[bloom_gal]

"Yeah we had a little bit of sun actually. Before the rain broke loose again.." I wipe my eyes and we both say at the same time " British weather!" and theres a moment of laughter.
"How are you and Charlie then....together i mean. We've not been near enough for a while for me to check you over."
I laugh softly and draw my knees up to my chest on the chair resting my chin on the tops of my knees.
"We're fine, we're fine...." I whisper " Im really happy..." I marvel how im saying this though a few moments ago i was crying. " He makes me feel alive Bill. When im with him it's like its how its always been, me and him together.He thinks to highly o' me bill. Thinks Im some sort of holy being." I laugh " You and I both know im not right?"

[__green_eyes__]

I smile a little, tears back in my eyes. So good, so good that you're happy, Orlando...so good...I chuckle meakly at your question.
"I wouldn't be too sure about that...you look like a feckin angel, nothing short of sprouting wings and flying away would surprise me about you right now..."
"Billy!"
I chuckle again
"I mean it, Orli...you're an angel. To everyone around you. I bet the poor lad can't believe his luck..."

I remember what it was like, I do. Your scent, your touch, your sounds and taste... I remember how it felt to be suddenly ignored the very next day.

But it's in the past, the past...none of it matters anymore. It doesn't matter. I have Jake. You doing that let me have Jake...

[bloom_gal]

I smile a little and whisper "I can't believe mine. I thought I was permanently on the shelf after Tobey...."

A moments silence and i look down and sigh a little. " Now this...Although Bill, its not hard to be better than the guys before him, its not like some great achievement.I just....Argh I want you all to be okay you schmucks!"

He laughs softly at the other end of the line.
I check the watch again and then get up still holding the phone and make a cup of tea in the kitchenette.

As the kettle boils i jump up on the kitchen work top and open the cupboard behind me for a mug as i talk.

"You know this is love. THIS is the big time baby.theres love and theres LOVE. This is the exchange of everything that i am for parts of him that he'll only show me. This is being trusted in his flat and having a toothbrush in the holder- be it only temporary." The kettle boils and attracts my attention. "THIS- is buying kitchen appliances- and not being told to take a running jump!" I jump down off the side and fill the Mug with water and a tea bag and let it stew as i lean against the side watching it and then checking my watch with a disgruntled noise.
"This is missing him after hes only been gone a couple of hours and wanting him home already. Checking my fucking watch every 30 seconds..." Drain the teabag and top the cup up with water and a sugar.

"We finally found it Bill. What true love it all about.Thats gotta be something right.Wouldn't have thought it first day at camp hmm?" I smile in memory of it.

[__green_eyes__]

I smile just a little and hug my knees. Do I feel all of those things with Jake? I think so.
"Hah...probably not...you were the first guy I slept with since Brian, though...that means something, right?"
"I didn't know..."
"I know...s'ok...I found Jake- so...so it's not a big deal...I phoned Ali to break up with her, y'know? She hung up before I got the chance to say it. Did the breaking up for me, really...I'm glad. Glad you have Charlie now...Me and Tobey had issues..." Chuckle a bit.

[bloom_gal]

I cock my head and try to ignore the negatives whispering.
"It was special Bill. It WAS, I did feel for you- a part of me really always will."

I dont know why i havn't said it before.....

Perhaps now im just in the right place in my mind to be truthful- now so comfortable in my own skin, in my own mind.
"It hurt- ALOT- when i thought- THOUGHT bill, even if i was wrong- that I'd been a conquest and then you called your girlfriend. Maybe i was stupid but i wasnt thinking straight."

I take another sip of my tea and shrug though he cant say it.
"Who knows.I didn't mean to hurt you, or leave you... When you told me what happened i was there wasnt I? I held you, i remember being so worried about you...But when you were asleep all i could do was lie awake and watch you sleeping- the way you moved the way you breathed in your sleep. And i was there to hold you every time you woke sweating and pale....remember?"

There a silence of recollection at the other end and i whisper.

"Im sorry that i left you alone after that- I was a fool but i was scared. After what happened with Jake....I just.... I didnt feel like I could cope. and if i couldnt cope....How could i help you? But it's in the past now right?"