Fat thighs and Broken ankles.
I'm joining Curves women's gym. I'm going on Tuesday morning for an assessment/intro session and I've pretty much decided I'm going to pay the $149 on the spot to join for 4 months. I'm so over my fatty fat fatness that I really don't know what to do anymore.
I hate "recovery" - a word that, in my mind, has come to mean something that was done to me, rather than something I chose to do. Before I got very deep into anorexia a year and half ago, I was happily plodding along at a borderline anorexic BMI for 5 years and was able to maintain this pretty easily. Now not only have I 'lost' my most severe anorexic behaviours but I'm also finding it impossible to go back to how I was living before I got super sick. I'm nowhere now. Recovery has completely killed my ability to restrict. Why does my mind work this way? Why is my thinking so infuriatingly, uncontrollably black or white. Try as I might I just CAN'T go back to eating only breakfast and dinner, although I did this for years before recovery.
God I sound so pathetic. So 'wanarexic'. I never imagined I would be in this situation. Thinking this way. Saying these things. I'm fat and embarrassing. Ergh.
I'm also over my sore ankle. I have a stress fracture in my right ankle from getting out of bed funny four months ago (thankyou brittle bones) which is refusing to heal. It hurts all day at work. It hurts when I walk. And now it's started getting sharp stabs of pain in addition to the constant throb. I can't jog anymore, or dance!
I had an x-ray but when I called for results the receptionist said "no action necessary". !!! How am I supposed to live with this? So I'm going to another doctor for a second opinion. It's funny that when I was at my thinnest all I wanted was physical proof of the damage I was doing and now that I'm better I finally see the effects of what starving did to my body.
I hate "recovery" - a word that, in my mind, has come to mean something that was done to me, rather than something I chose to do. Before I got very deep into anorexia a year and half ago, I was happily plodding along at a borderline anorexic BMI for 5 years and was able to maintain this pretty easily. Now not only have I 'lost' my most severe anorexic behaviours but I'm also finding it impossible to go back to how I was living before I got super sick. I'm nowhere now. Recovery has completely killed my ability to restrict. Why does my mind work this way? Why is my thinking so infuriatingly, uncontrollably black or white. Try as I might I just CAN'T go back to eating only breakfast and dinner, although I did this for years before recovery.
God I sound so pathetic. So 'wanarexic'. I never imagined I would be in this situation. Thinking this way. Saying these things. I'm fat and embarrassing. Ergh.
I'm also over my sore ankle. I have a stress fracture in my right ankle from getting out of bed funny four months ago (thankyou brittle bones) which is refusing to heal. It hurts all day at work. It hurts when I walk. And now it's started getting sharp stabs of pain in addition to the constant throb. I can't jog anymore, or dance!
I had an x-ray but when I called for results the receptionist said "no action necessary". !!! How am I supposed to live with this? So I'm going to another doctor for a second opinion. It's funny that when I was at my thinnest all I wanted was physical proof of the damage I was doing and now that I'm better I finally see the effects of what starving did to my body.