All there is to say is there to be said.
I haven't been updating because things have been bad and I'm sick of whining.
I went to Perth for a week and it was amazing and I ate normally and put on 2 kilos.
Then I got back.
Then it was really, really bad. People noticed my weight gain and said I looked "healthy". Everytime I hear this I feel my whole body stiffen and a wave of panic wash over me which I try to hide. I smile. Act normal. Say "Thanks. Kane and I ate heaps. It was great."
I am losing weight again. I am scared. I am very, very scared and sad and I feel like I'm 19 and stupid again. These are not the thoughts of a mature, independant 25 year-old. These are the thoughts of a girl I (thought I) grew out of. Grew away from. Left behind.
Clearly not.
I have begun punching the wall everytime I feel I need to be punished. I have a perpetual bruise on my right hand, because I'm too old for 'cutting'. I'm so ashamed of my childish behaviour I'm embarrassed to type it here.
When will this end. God help me, when will this end. I no longer have any notion of what is fat, thin, a big meal, a small meal. All I see now is extremes. Every thin girl has an eating disorder. How else can she be thin? Every fat girl eats normally. Therefore if I eat normally I will be fat.
There's a logical syllogism for you.
I'm afraid of where this is heading. I'm ashamed of what I've done to myself. I can't help but feel I'm to blame.
I went to Perth for a week and it was amazing and I ate normally and put on 2 kilos.
Then I got back.
Then it was really, really bad. People noticed my weight gain and said I looked "healthy". Everytime I hear this I feel my whole body stiffen and a wave of panic wash over me which I try to hide. I smile. Act normal. Say "Thanks. Kane and I ate heaps. It was great."
I am losing weight again. I am scared. I am very, very scared and sad and I feel like I'm 19 and stupid again. These are not the thoughts of a mature, independant 25 year-old. These are the thoughts of a girl I (thought I) grew out of. Grew away from. Left behind.
Clearly not.
I have begun punching the wall everytime I feel I need to be punished. I have a perpetual bruise on my right hand, because I'm too old for 'cutting'. I'm so ashamed of my childish behaviour I'm embarrassed to type it here.
When will this end. God help me, when will this end. I no longer have any notion of what is fat, thin, a big meal, a small meal. All I see now is extremes. Every thin girl has an eating disorder. How else can she be thin? Every fat girl eats normally. Therefore if I eat normally I will be fat.
There's a logical syllogism for you.
I'm afraid of where this is heading. I'm ashamed of what I've done to myself. I can't help but feel I'm to blame.