indebted and out of tune
8:58pm, still sipping on the last of my cold coffee that has been keeping me company since i woke at 3. feeble attempts at organizing my desk drawers and my thoughts. if i told you i could let this all go to the past, i'd be lying. if i told you i was completely over it, i'd be trying to fool myself more than you. if i told you i'm working it out, it would seem insincere. and i'm doing it still; i can't shut it out or shut up. i wish i could take it back. i wish i didn't live in my regrets. it makes even the good days hard. i wish i was a better elise, more beautifully flawed than tragic.
i wasn't ready to see her. i wasn't ready to give her up, which i did. it was uncontrollable. i thought the only way i'd live is if i loved her forever. overdramatic to a fault, but sincere. and now, i am stuck somewhere i haven't been for years. kind of alone in a comforting way. my life isn't laid out before me. i suppose it never was, but it was the content of my dreams. inappropriate to a fault, but true. things are wide open (a fact that was always there but kindly ignored), and i am unspeakably scared. no secret dream to fall back on when moments are hard. just now, trying to get through it, trying to get her through it, trying to put this winter in the past and not lie about missing it. trying not to regret it. i wish i could stop talking about it or thinking about it but i just cant. how do you cope when you lose such a big part of yourself? where does that part of you go and how do you replace it or fill it in or just let it be without becoming desperate, desolate, obsolete?