(no subject)
Last night I was talking about how the happiest time of my life was when I was 10 and 11 but it was also the hardest time of my life. I wish I could go back in time and change things. I keep feeling that if I could go back, I could have gotten my mom to get checked sooner and she wouldn't have died. All I can remember is everytime we would go to the beach, someone would tell her to get her mole checked and she always said she would but put it off. I wish I was old enough to realize what was going on so that I could have made her get it checked. I had so much fun with my mom, as much fun as a 10 year old can have, but I hated seeing her go through what she went through. She is by far the strongest and kindest person I know that would bend over backwards to help anyone. Who else makes nurses cookies and brings them in the day of chemotherapy? She would get SO sick and NEVER complain once - I only wish I had that strength. She had so many ups and downs and she never lost faith, never lost hope. She knew she was going to die before anyone of us, but didn't show it - she made the most of the time she had left. I really don't know where all this is coming from. Maybe it's because the anniversary of her death is slowly creeping up...I don't know. All I know is that today I really miss her and hate that 7 years have gone by - years that I could have gotten to know her better. I wish I could have gotten to know her as a person, as a woman, not just my mommy who makes my food and does my laundry. I'm not depressed or extremely sad. I guess I am just feeling empty. I really don't know where all this is coming from...