(no subject)
About 5 days ago, I received a call from Hartman letting me know that Tooch passed away.
I’m still processing it and trying to sort through my emotions to find the right words to say. I still don’t know that I have them, but I wanted to write this down before I forgot to write it all together.
(Livejournal really enables my fear of getting Alzheimer’s, lol)
Ms. Martucci is about 50% the reason I’m a teacher now. One of the first teachers to see me as I was (a fucking mess) and accept it. She helped me in more ways than I can remember: helping me get out of a toxic relationship, allowing me to find solace in her classroom in some of my darkest moments, checking on me multiple times a day, even after school hours, reminding me and assuring me CONSTANTLY that she was there for me and she was listening. I couldn’t have ever repaid her if I tried. She saved me from suicide, helped me survive a destructive household. Some of the most important, and depressing, milestones of my life, Tooch helped me walk over them. She always promised me a better future, an easier time to come. And deep down, I don’t think she ever saw that for herself. Things were not easy for her. I knew that at 15. We would talk and talk about the shit life handed both of us, how we were tackling more at once than anyone we knew. She empowered me, but she couldn’t empower herself.
The last time I saw Tooch was at Big Wawa at 2am when I was around 24. We were both drunk, both hoping to sober up by shoving Mac and cheese in our mouths. She yelled my name across the parking lot, and we talked for quite some time. It was weird, however, because it was the first time I had seen her since she got fired the day before Spring Break when I was a sophomore. That was, to this day, one of the hardest goodbyes I’ve ever had. She stared at me from her Subaru and told me she was fired and she wouldn’t see me again. Of course, she made it as absolutely dramatic as possible, but I’m glad she did, because truly, she was right.
Death is so absolute, and something I don’t handle well even when I don’t love the person. I loved Tooch, and even though we had our shit, which definitely shouldn’t have been happening considering she was a grown ass woman and I was a shitty, fucked up teenager, she was like a mom to me. She helped pave my pathway, in fact, she created it. And even if I have never been more let down by someone in my almost 29 years of living, I could never have made it out alive without her. And for that, I’m eternally grateful.
I’m sad she will never hear these words from my mouth, or that we’ll never drunkenly run into each other at Wawa sometime, but I am happy to know that she’s finally at peace. She deserves that more than anyone.
Really glad I wrote this. Love you and miss you forever, Tooch 💕