(no subject)
I decided to see if I still knew my login, and here I am.
I could only get through a couple of these posts before I just decided to add a new one. It’s 2018. Officially 10 years out of high school, just finished my 5th year of teaching. I’m 28, laying in my bed in Phoenixville at 1:45 in the morning, after just seeing a horror movie (Hereditary, for future reference’s sake). Just really needing the outlet of knowing I can write and let loose a little. Once I stopped using LiveJournal, I pretty much stopped writing all together. That’s been a huge change. I would document almost everything going on inside of my brain all of the time, and suddenly, I decided to quit the drug cold turkey. I was good for a long time, not needing the outlet as much as in previous stages of my life. But I’ve hit a weird patch and I’m slowly, but surely falling into old habits.
I’ve learned to be more accepting of things in life, to be more proactive rather than reactive in change, to be less judgmental of those who judge me, to fill my brain with positivity and drown out the negative... all of these things came with age. I’m very thankful to be at the stage of life I’m currently in, yet, because it’s me, I always feel like my accomplishments, victories, contributions... they aren’t good enough. I’ve become a pretty good teacher, have finally, for the first time in over a year, mapped out my 5 year plan and have goals set, and I’m still not happy enough. Enough is a killer word.
This year was an incredibly difficult one, personally. It’s only June, also. My mom knocked on death’s door more than once, with a stroke in January, major heart surgery in April, and a slew of complications between. The stroke changed her. My once overly patient, accepting, carefree, independent mother is now a shell of that person, and it’s killing me on the inside. I haven’t said that to a single person. My mom has become my best friend in the last couple of years, and this person she is now is driving a divide between us. She’s thankfully and luckily normal on physical terms, but her cognitive function has been jeopardized, and there’s a large chance that will never change.
On a brighter note, Dana and Lexy are both married now... so crazy. Our group is the same and it’s pretty wonderful. We’ve all grown up, taken different paths, but we are always there for one another. It’s a wonderful and happy medium.
I think I’m most confused and riled up because there’s so much that’s changing in my life that I don’t have control over, and that scares the hell out of me. I’m used to a life of my own repercussions biting me in the ass constantly, but that’s different than other people’s decisions playing a negative role in your own life. I spent a lot of my adolescence being angry, and that has been the thing I’ve tried hardest to change. I think I’ve gotten much better, but there’s always going to be room for more growth. I just want to make the best out of what I have.
This was ridiculously therapeutic. See you in another 2 years, LJ.