Uhm... Irish jokes anyone?
Yayness!
I have finally found some old jokes I was looking for~
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Paddy has been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day & most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.
Mick the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy."
Paddy replies, "Okay, Mick. I'll be on my way then."
Paddy spins around on his stool & steps off. He falls flat on his face.
"Shoite!"... he says, & pulls himself up by the stool & dusts himself off.
He takes a step towards the door & falls flat on his face... "Shoite, Shoite!"
He looks to the doorway & thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door & some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door & shimmies up to the doorframe.
He sticks his head outside & takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better & takes a step out onto the sidewalk.
He falls flat on his face.
"Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked", he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down & crawls to the door, shimmies up the door frame, opens the door & shimmies inside.
He takes a look up the stairs & says, "Oh fock!"
He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door... "Oi can make it moi bed."
He takes a step into the room & falls flat on his face. "Fock it!"
Drags himself over to his bed & just rolls onto it.
The next morning his wife Jess comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee & says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?"
Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?"
"Mick phoned... You left your wheelchair at the pub."
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Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird section & Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."
The owner comes over & asks if he can help them.
"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere", says Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag.
Paddy & Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop & get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.
At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000' foot drop & says, "Dis looks like a grand place."
He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders & jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head & says... "Fook dat, dis budgiejumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!!!"
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A guy decides to have a party where his guests are asked to come dressed as different emotions... e.g. fear, happiness etc....
On the night of the party, the doorbell goes & the host opens the door to see two Irish blokes, Paddy and Mick.
They are standing stark naked, one with his knob in a bowl of custard, & the other with his knob stuck in a pear.
The host is really shocked & says, "What the heck are you doing?? You could get arrested standing out there in the street like that! ...But anyway, what emotion are you two supposed to be?!"
Paddy replies, "Well... oim foik'n discustard, & Mick here has just come in despair!"
I have finally found some old jokes I was looking for~
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy has been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day & most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.
Mick the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy."
Paddy replies, "Okay, Mick. I'll be on my way then."
Paddy spins around on his stool & steps off. He falls flat on his face.
"Shoite!"... he says, & pulls himself up by the stool & dusts himself off.
He takes a step towards the door & falls flat on his face... "Shoite, Shoite!"
He looks to the doorway & thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door & some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door & shimmies up to the doorframe.
He sticks his head outside & takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better & takes a step out onto the sidewalk.
He falls flat on his face.
"Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked", he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down & crawls to the door, shimmies up the door frame, opens the door & shimmies inside.
He takes a look up the stairs & says, "Oh fock!"
He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door... "Oi can make it moi bed."
He takes a step into the room & falls flat on his face. "Fock it!"
Drags himself over to his bed & just rolls onto it.
The next morning his wife Jess comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee & says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?"
Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?"
"Mick phoned... You left your wheelchair at the pub."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird section & Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."
The owner comes over & asks if he can help them.
"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere", says Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag.
Paddy & Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop & get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.
At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000' foot drop & says, "Dis looks like a grand place."
He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders & jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head & says... "Fook dat, dis budgiejumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!!!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy decides to have a party where his guests are asked to come dressed as different emotions... e.g. fear, happiness etc....
On the night of the party, the doorbell goes & the host opens the door to see two Irish blokes, Paddy and Mick.
They are standing stark naked, one with his knob in a bowl of custard, & the other with his knob stuck in a pear.
The host is really shocked & says, "What the heck are you doing?? You could get arrested standing out there in the street like that! ...But anyway, what emotion are you two supposed to be?!"
Paddy replies, "Well... oim foik'n discustard, & Mick here has just come in despair!"