(no subject)
so im sitting here thinking about you again. neither of us should be surprised by this point. im wondering what it is ive done this time. our last conversation was of peaceful notions, so i thought. That night, you wrote about me, or for me. That one entry was in my direction clearly, if nothing else is admitted. Then im shut off. closed out. Your decision was surprising, something had to have happened. but again you say, nothing. and "it doesnt matter". well it does. clearly. if thats the extent you have to go through to shut me out. and why? but when anything of significance comes up, it gets shut down just as quickly. why continually shut me down? my comments were not meant to 'annoy' you and i didnt mean to lecture you. you know, i threw my phone against the wall, and cried. i swear it felt like you've slapped in the face, maybe for the last time. Because through careful repetition i could convince myself that your not worthy of my friendship and my constant persistance. but i dont want to believe that and my stubborn heart wont ever allow it. i just hope you dont allow that. But you will do, typically, as you please. Actually i hope more than anything that if this were to truly end that id get my rightful explanation, because of all the unclosed things in my life thats been left undone so abruptly, of all the things i lack closure from, you cant be added to the list. after all you were always to good to be on any list. and well i suppose the least i think i deserve from you, of all people, and of all of the 'best friends' ive ever had, is closure. i took a break from this to smoke a cigarette on the roof. its freezing outside but i had to catch the sunset. i thought of more to type, but im not sure i can remember it all.