just to get this out.
sometimes i want something bad to happen to me. i will be walking down the street and hope that maybe a car won't see me and maybe just hit me. I think of the reactions of my friends and then of my family. will they cry? or will they blame me for not being careful? sometimes i want something bad to happen so then i wont have to deal with anything. i would like to die so that my parents dont have to worry about me anymore. i want to escape having to write papers on a deadline. i want to escape having to call every two weeks and asking for more money.
i grew up in a traditional family. some would call it a good childhood. child services never took me away. my parents werent alcoholics. my mother made sure we were materialistcly satisfied. my dad agreed to bring us to tutoring services. we were a "normal" middle class family. but what may seem almost normal on the outside, made me wonder as a young child if this was really normal. if parents stayed up until 4 in the morning arguing and crying. if my dad would lock me out of the house when i was five because i couldn't learn my numbers. if my other parents would throw their kids on a treadmill in 95 degree weather with a sweater on crying. if parents telling you that you are worthless. memories like this really stuck with me. so a part of me doesnt want to go home. a part of me would rather just starve here and keep this system. then the responsible part of me says i need to start working again. maybe my need to be away isnt just because i wanted freedom, but it was to escape memories of my young childhood.
i grew up in a traditional family. some would call it a good childhood. child services never took me away. my parents werent alcoholics. my mother made sure we were materialistcly satisfied. my dad agreed to bring us to tutoring services. we were a "normal" middle class family. but what may seem almost normal on the outside, made me wonder as a young child if this was really normal. if parents stayed up until 4 in the morning arguing and crying. if my dad would lock me out of the house when i was five because i couldn't learn my numbers. if my other parents would throw their kids on a treadmill in 95 degree weather with a sweater on crying. if parents telling you that you are worthless. memories like this really stuck with me. so a part of me doesnt want to go home. a part of me would rather just starve here and keep this system. then the responsible part of me says i need to start working again. maybe my need to be away isnt just because i wanted freedom, but it was to escape memories of my young childhood.