first love
"Vanessa, you were really nice..." my mom said to me, "...and then you got your period." when i was 15, my mom told me these words that are forever hammered into my head. something that was meant to be said jokingly, stuck with me for years. i was mean. thats all i ever knew. in high school, people would tell me i looked intimidating. i dont know what it was - the hair? the clothes? i always thought it was ridiculous because im this short, chubby filipino girl. how could anyone think i was intimidating? maybe they just wanted to stay away from me. being mean always just stuck with me. my mom told me i was mean. my dad told me i was mean. my sister told me i was mean. it was just given, i was a mean girl.
i finally realized why i gave off this impression. i think its all of the years being let down. the mental, verbal and physical abuse that has followed me around since i was a baby. i saw hurt. my childhood was a good one - i had fun with my parents. but there is always the bad that i remember the most. when my mom would be crying in the corner, my dad throwing stuff at her. domestic violence is just horrible. even if my dad doesnt do it now, we never talk about it. its as if it never happened. but i remember all of it. it was okay for a man to raise his hand to a woman. these days, i have issues hugging people. or getting close to anyone. if someone raises their hand to me, i feel as if they are going to hit me. its just a natural instinct that has haunted me for years. it was so hard for me to open up and to just love.
then my brother was born. when i was younger, i used to think, "wow, i dont understand why i have to take care of you, i sure as hell didnt give birth. why am i being punished?" but these days i look into his intense eyes and really feel what love is. i realize now how much love i can really give to someone. i love that kid as if he is my own baby, and in a sense he is. when i look at him, all of the stuff that was said to me is out the window. and i guess i really do have a heart. i guess i really do have more to offer than what is on the outside. its so amazing. i miss him a lot, even if he is a brat.
i finally realized why i gave off this impression. i think its all of the years being let down. the mental, verbal and physical abuse that has followed me around since i was a baby. i saw hurt. my childhood was a good one - i had fun with my parents. but there is always the bad that i remember the most. when my mom would be crying in the corner, my dad throwing stuff at her. domestic violence is just horrible. even if my dad doesnt do it now, we never talk about it. its as if it never happened. but i remember all of it. it was okay for a man to raise his hand to a woman. these days, i have issues hugging people. or getting close to anyone. if someone raises their hand to me, i feel as if they are going to hit me. its just a natural instinct that has haunted me for years. it was so hard for me to open up and to just love.
then my brother was born. when i was younger, i used to think, "wow, i dont understand why i have to take care of you, i sure as hell didnt give birth. why am i being punished?" but these days i look into his intense eyes and really feel what love is. i realize now how much love i can really give to someone. i love that kid as if he is my own baby, and in a sense he is. when i look at him, all of the stuff that was said to me is out the window. and i guess i really do have a heart. i guess i really do have more to offer than what is on the outside. its so amazing. i miss him a lot, even if he is a brat.