tired
so i was sleeping last night . . . ok, not really. i didn't get to sleep until after 12:30 even though i was in bed plenty early. i kept waking up, sometime around 3am i had to toss sonny off the bed because she was clawing her way under my covers. i got cold, which i thought was weird until i realized that i was only using the sheets and not the blanket. -- duhh -- i am not my best at 3 in the morning, or in fact any time before 8. i finally got out of bed around 7:30 after fighting with the alarm clock for a half hour. saw mom for a few mins between shower and work, and i miss tess so much. i mean it's not like i would see her any more now if she were here but it's just weird not having her in the house. and poor simon is so sad that she's gone, he just sits in front of the door looking at it waiting for her to come home. he scares me when i come home because he sits right against it when he hears someone coming up the stairs, i hit him every night -- stupid cat -- he never misses me that badly, the most i get is a clump of cat hair on my pillow when i come home.
and speaking of missing people, i feel really bad about canceling on aaron this saturday but i need to be with mum. i hate feeling like i have to choose between friends and family. and well aaron is definitely friend, but also closer than most . . . so what am i supposed to do with that? i know. i KNOW. i'm an adult now and should probably worry less about the time i spend with my family, but without them i would have nothing, not even my friends. so mum and i, just mom and i, are going to have dinner and watch a movie and most likely fall asleep on the couch. and besides we'll have time to talk. we haven't had a lot of time for our big mother-daughter talks recently and i have a bunch of things that i want to ask her, so this will be good. i was really looking forward to seeing aaron -- haven't seen him in a bit, lunch counts but it's not enough -- but i'll have monday with him, hopefully. the fourth has never been a real family thing for us so i don't feel bad at all about spending it elsewhere . . . i do however feel horrible about missing fireworks with the girls. i have to work late i think and well . . . i haven't seen them in a while but i want to be able to be awake when i see them . . . lets go camping or something, k? oh and let me know about the michigan adventures thing.
not complaining - - - - man am i tired. i love my mom. this whole two jobs is much more than i expected. it's the transition that is so tiring, trying to convince my body that night is a fun time to work is not going over well especially since it's having such a hard time sleeping anyway. i had signed on at the inn hoping to get like four nights a week . . . and while i realize that this is the busiest time, i would really like to not work six nights. my hours at m&e have cut back too and camp starts the week after next - - i know that the tired now will not even compare to the tired of then - - i can't imagine working two jobs and raising two kids all alone. i thought that i understood how hard my mom worked when i first started working full time . . . *tear* i want to work my butt off these coming years so that when i have a family i have the chance to spend time with them AND my husband. i don't know how we live never seeing each other daily ~~ and i mean the real see, the spending time to talk and watch a sunset, to eat a sandwich, to stand in the rain, to see a smile move into a frown back into a smile and know that you are a reason for smiling even though you were probably the one to make the frown come ~~. it's like work is life. and that is NOT how it should ever be. ---- i want to cry now ---- i really pray provision for cass and andrew, DADI will take care of them i have no doubt but i want them to be able to live a family life and not a paycheck-to-paycheck life for ever. GOD bless you two and you coming bundle of joy(s). : P
going home in a hour to sleep for an hour and then work for GOD knows how long. night.
today i loved . . .
the reds
the sun
the greens
the sea
the blue
. . . you
can i continue tomorrow?