(no subject)
She passed at around, 6:00 tonight. A painless sleep. Her son who she hasn't seen in years held her hand, along with her daughters. I wish i was there, but I guess is was for the best. After a little my mom and dad came back from the hospital at around 7 and we were all in the living room, and my grandma's really bright car lights came on and shined through the big window in the front. It was her, i know it.
you dedicated your whole life to helping the people around you and this is the final hand that you have been dealt. as unfair as that is, i know that you aren't scared. i just wish that i had that kind of bravery. i wish that i didnt have to grow up without you, graduate high school and college, get married. i wanted you to see your great grandchildren, but i know you will be looking down. i spoke to you today and the nurse said that you knew i was there and could hear what i was saying. i hope that's true, because i love you so much gram. you have been more of a mother than my own. i went to you for everything and i will continue to do so. just know that you have been my heart since i was born. 17 years of love given and received by you cut too short.
please know how much i respect and cherish every choice, word, and idea that you have shared with me. you have shown me so many things and educated me in life and the acceptance of others. you would always say, "people pay me 100 dollars an hour to hear what i have to say, and the second you open your mouth it's, OH GOD GRAM." and then youd laugh. believe me gram, i knew what you were saying.
i just wish i didn't take it for granted. i wish i wasnt one of those typical teenagers who brush off the adults in their family and roll my eyes and ignore what youre saying. I told you today that i would love you forever and ever til the day i die and so on, and that i would never forget what you have done to me, and what you have given me. you have showed me so many things, and experienced your life with me, and i will never forget it.
it's just so hard to think that you could be gone within the day, definatly. i wish i had more time. i wish i could hear your voice and speak to you one last time. even when you were heavily sedated and in semi-coma you still lifted your hand and mumbled to me. i wish i couldve made out what you were trying to say. i really have been a wreck without you these past months, you have been in my life everyday, and it's been so fucking hard without you. i miss you so much, i need you so much. you have been nothing but there for me whenever i needed it.
when my father left you were there, whenever mom and i got into a fight you took my side, you would lie to her for me, you found a condom in my bag and came to me and said, "at least i know you're protected," you told me countless and countless things about yourself to me that inspired me to do the best i can. to accept those around me for who they are and not just their appearance.
i cant talk about this any longer, this wasnt meant really for anyone too look at and pity me. i'm crying hysterically right now, and i really need to go.
gram, just know how much i love you and how much you have given me in this life. i'll never ever let you leave my side. you're going to stay with me forever and be my guardian angel. youre going to the prom with me, youre walking me down the aisle, youre going to be in the delivery room. every second, you are going to be there. you have to promise.
every now and then i need a sign that youre there. i need the reassurance that youre with me always and forever. i need to have that security.
goodbye gram, i love you. i hope i can see you one last time before you go.<3 i love you so much.
john, i also want to thank you. you went with me this morning and said goodbye to her with me. i appreciate that more than you will ever know. i love you so much and i thank you so much for that. you have been by my side with all of this, and never once left it. so thank you<33
bye
you dedicated your whole life to helping the people around you and this is the final hand that you have been dealt. as unfair as that is, i know that you aren't scared. i just wish that i had that kind of bravery. i wish that i didnt have to grow up without you, graduate high school and college, get married. i wanted you to see your great grandchildren, but i know you will be looking down. i spoke to you today and the nurse said that you knew i was there and could hear what i was saying. i hope that's true, because i love you so much gram. you have been more of a mother than my own. i went to you for everything and i will continue to do so. just know that you have been my heart since i was born. 17 years of love given and received by you cut too short.
please know how much i respect and cherish every choice, word, and idea that you have shared with me. you have shown me so many things and educated me in life and the acceptance of others. you would always say, "people pay me 100 dollars an hour to hear what i have to say, and the second you open your mouth it's, OH GOD GRAM." and then youd laugh. believe me gram, i knew what you were saying.
i just wish i didn't take it for granted. i wish i wasnt one of those typical teenagers who brush off the adults in their family and roll my eyes and ignore what youre saying. I told you today that i would love you forever and ever til the day i die and so on, and that i would never forget what you have done to me, and what you have given me. you have showed me so many things, and experienced your life with me, and i will never forget it.
it's just so hard to think that you could be gone within the day, definatly. i wish i had more time. i wish i could hear your voice and speak to you one last time. even when you were heavily sedated and in semi-coma you still lifted your hand and mumbled to me. i wish i couldve made out what you were trying to say. i really have been a wreck without you these past months, you have been in my life everyday, and it's been so fucking hard without you. i miss you so much, i need you so much. you have been nothing but there for me whenever i needed it.
when my father left you were there, whenever mom and i got into a fight you took my side, you would lie to her for me, you found a condom in my bag and came to me and said, "at least i know you're protected," you told me countless and countless things about yourself to me that inspired me to do the best i can. to accept those around me for who they are and not just their appearance.
i cant talk about this any longer, this wasnt meant really for anyone too look at and pity me. i'm crying hysterically right now, and i really need to go.
gram, just know how much i love you and how much you have given me in this life. i'll never ever let you leave my side. you're going to stay with me forever and be my guardian angel. youre going to the prom with me, youre walking me down the aisle, youre going to be in the delivery room. every second, you are going to be there. you have to promise.
every now and then i need a sign that youre there. i need the reassurance that youre with me always and forever. i need to have that security.
goodbye gram, i love you. i hope i can see you one last time before you go.<3 i love you so much.
john, i also want to thank you. you went with me this morning and said goodbye to her with me. i appreciate that more than you will ever know. i love you so much and i thank you so much for that. you have been by my side with all of this, and never once left it. so thank you<33
bye