(no subject)
After my mini mid life crisis before the age of 30, I finally feel like I am getting my life back. I'm in control again and it feels great!
I am going back to school for Computer Forensics, I start October 24th. With a 3.93 GPA and half of my courses done there is no reason why I shouldn't go back.
I think I am going to get an internship at nationwide. A friend of mine is a manager there and they just lost two interns. He said it pays $12/hour which is enough to get me by while I am going to school. It's funny because I have never met the guy, we started chatting online a few years back. I hadn't talked to him in a long time, then a few weeks ago he messaged me and we started talking. I told him my situation and he was like 'dude, I'm a manager at Nationwide now, I can hook you up with a job' Wierd how things work out.
I went through the last 4 months feeling very insecure and insignifigant, sometimes even feeling less than everyone else. I spent most of my time analyzing what other people thought of me,analyzing my relationship,analyzing myself for analyzing everything, and there for a while I seriously thought I was going crazy. I still think I need medication, I don't feel comfortable going out because I am constantly worrying about how other people perceive me. I'm scared of social situations. I'm not myself around large groups of people unless I have a few drinks in me. Maybe medication will help me not to analyze everything so much. Am I analyzing right now?
Once I get into school and start working, then I can focus on my relationship, which seems to be a mess right now. I know what I want. She doesn't know what she wants(even though she tells me that everything is going to be ok) She tells me that she loves me. She tells me that there isn't anyone else and that she isn't interested in finding anyone else....but I still have my doubts.I have the resources to find out little things that she doesn't know that I know about...and I haven't said anything to her about them, I'll wait until she comes to me. She says that she is scared of losing me forever...If I find out she was cheating or lying then yeah, she probably will lose my friendship forever. Maybe it's just my insecurities. I just don't feel like she is telling me everything. Not to make it sound like she is lying, but sometimes when I look in her eyes it's like she wants to tell me something but she can't or won't. Why is it so hard for people to be honest? Say it like it is, I don't want anyone to spare my feelings. Life is full of loss, and we as humans, still find the strength to go on. Maybe it's just her being selfish.
I'll admit that I haven't been the perfect girlfriend...but I don't think that exists. I have taken the proper steps to try to improve myself though....at least I am trying. Actions do speak louder than words, and I haven't receieved much of either from her.
Enough rambling. I'm just glad that I am feeling better about myself. I am heading in the right direction for once in my life. I've spent too many years wandering around on the back roads wondering where life will take me. It's not where life will take me, it's where I will take my life.
I am going back to school for Computer Forensics, I start October 24th. With a 3.93 GPA and half of my courses done there is no reason why I shouldn't go back.
I think I am going to get an internship at nationwide. A friend of mine is a manager there and they just lost two interns. He said it pays $12/hour which is enough to get me by while I am going to school. It's funny because I have never met the guy, we started chatting online a few years back. I hadn't talked to him in a long time, then a few weeks ago he messaged me and we started talking. I told him my situation and he was like 'dude, I'm a manager at Nationwide now, I can hook you up with a job' Wierd how things work out.
I went through the last 4 months feeling very insecure and insignifigant, sometimes even feeling less than everyone else. I spent most of my time analyzing what other people thought of me,analyzing my relationship,analyzing myself for analyzing everything, and there for a while I seriously thought I was going crazy. I still think I need medication, I don't feel comfortable going out because I am constantly worrying about how other people perceive me. I'm scared of social situations. I'm not myself around large groups of people unless I have a few drinks in me. Maybe medication will help me not to analyze everything so much. Am I analyzing right now?
Once I get into school and start working, then I can focus on my relationship, which seems to be a mess right now. I know what I want. She doesn't know what she wants(even though she tells me that everything is going to be ok) She tells me that she loves me. She tells me that there isn't anyone else and that she isn't interested in finding anyone else....but I still have my doubts.I have the resources to find out little things that she doesn't know that I know about...and I haven't said anything to her about them, I'll wait until she comes to me. She says that she is scared of losing me forever...If I find out she was cheating or lying then yeah, she probably will lose my friendship forever. Maybe it's just my insecurities. I just don't feel like she is telling me everything. Not to make it sound like she is lying, but sometimes when I look in her eyes it's like she wants to tell me something but she can't or won't. Why is it so hard for people to be honest? Say it like it is, I don't want anyone to spare my feelings. Life is full of loss, and we as humans, still find the strength to go on. Maybe it's just her being selfish.
I'll admit that I haven't been the perfect girlfriend...but I don't think that exists. I have taken the proper steps to try to improve myself though....at least I am trying. Actions do speak louder than words, and I haven't receieved much of either from her.
Enough rambling. I'm just glad that I am feeling better about myself. I am heading in the right direction for once in my life. I've spent too many years wandering around on the back roads wondering where life will take me. It's not where life will take me, it's where I will take my life.