(no subject)
I'm not quite sure how to handle all of this. Last night through casual conversation Matt decides to tell me that he hasn't let go of me, and that he knows I haven't let go of him either. We then proceeded to have a three hour long conversation about the pitiful excuse we had for a "relationship."
I tell him he made me crazy, he went back and forth, and I just can't handle going through that. I couldn't stand feeling like I wasn't in control of my own emotions. I knew better, but I kept going back, and I couldn't fathom why.
He then gives me his explanation of why he acted the way he did.
He says it didn't work because he had commitment issues, no shocker there. But then he goes on to say that his feelings for me moved too fast, and that scared him. Then he introduced me to his friends and they all loved me, and that scared him even more. He tells me he was destructive, and that he had found this beautiful thing, and he couldn't watch himself hurt me, so he pushed me away. He said he wasn't ready, and that he was sure if he hadn't pushed me away he would still be with me in Tallahassee.
Of course I say what I always say when it comes to relationships, you couldn't handle not having sex with me, I understand that. He swears he never cheated on me, and that he respected me too much to force me to do something I didn't want to do. That I made him better, and that it was rough, but he stayed true to me.
At first I believed all of it, what he was saying made sense, it made me feel better. Of course I would rather believe that he was just an ass looking to get laid, but knowing that his feelings for me scared him made me feel a little better.
But now the sun has risen, and I can't help but feel like all of the lines were well rehearsed. It felt as if I were dropped into some romantic comedy. It all seemed so cliche', yet so sincere.
And now I am stuck not knowing what to believe. This changes nothing by way of my relationship status, he is in Jacksonville, I'm moving to Orlando. But now I feel shaken, I swore that that chapter of my life was closed, that I would never make that mistake again. But now I can't help but fantasize about it all working out.
He said we have a cosmic connection that we cannot deny, something that will fuck with us forever until everything is resolved. He said that he thinks we should give it another try in the future, once he calms down. And now I can't help but think I should give him a second chance. So quickly I forget everything he did to me, all he put me through. And it is painful to realize that as strong as I say I am, as much self respect as I have, if he came back tomorrow, I would take him back immediately.
I've never felt the way I feel about him with anyone else, and it scares the living shit out of me. It's probably best not to be with someone who makes me seem like such an idiot. But I can't help but hope that someday, we can give it another go, that we can go all in, and deal with the intensity. That maybe one day we can both stop being such pussys and stop guarding ourselves.
I tell him he made me crazy, he went back and forth, and I just can't handle going through that. I couldn't stand feeling like I wasn't in control of my own emotions. I knew better, but I kept going back, and I couldn't fathom why.
He then gives me his explanation of why he acted the way he did.
He says it didn't work because he had commitment issues, no shocker there. But then he goes on to say that his feelings for me moved too fast, and that scared him. Then he introduced me to his friends and they all loved me, and that scared him even more. He tells me he was destructive, and that he had found this beautiful thing, and he couldn't watch himself hurt me, so he pushed me away. He said he wasn't ready, and that he was sure if he hadn't pushed me away he would still be with me in Tallahassee.
Of course I say what I always say when it comes to relationships, you couldn't handle not having sex with me, I understand that. He swears he never cheated on me, and that he respected me too much to force me to do something I didn't want to do. That I made him better, and that it was rough, but he stayed true to me.
At first I believed all of it, what he was saying made sense, it made me feel better. Of course I would rather believe that he was just an ass looking to get laid, but knowing that his feelings for me scared him made me feel a little better.
But now the sun has risen, and I can't help but feel like all of the lines were well rehearsed. It felt as if I were dropped into some romantic comedy. It all seemed so cliche', yet so sincere.
And now I am stuck not knowing what to believe. This changes nothing by way of my relationship status, he is in Jacksonville, I'm moving to Orlando. But now I feel shaken, I swore that that chapter of my life was closed, that I would never make that mistake again. But now I can't help but fantasize about it all working out.
He said we have a cosmic connection that we cannot deny, something that will fuck with us forever until everything is resolved. He said that he thinks we should give it another try in the future, once he calms down. And now I can't help but think I should give him a second chance. So quickly I forget everything he did to me, all he put me through. And it is painful to realize that as strong as I say I am, as much self respect as I have, if he came back tomorrow, I would take him back immediately.
I've never felt the way I feel about him with anyone else, and it scares the living shit out of me. It's probably best not to be with someone who makes me seem like such an idiot. But I can't help but hope that someday, we can give it another go, that we can go all in, and deal with the intensity. That maybe one day we can both stop being such pussys and stop guarding ourselves.