I've got some things I'd like to set in pen.
Saturday night was so much fun! Ashley and I went to the Matchbook Romance, Midtown, Hidden in Plain View and Name Taken concert. I danced my little butt off. This one lady I was standing by knew like all the songs and was dancing and singing her little heart out. She's like "Oh my gosh! Do you guys want to go up on stage?!" So she jumps up there and Ash and I were just kinda like eh...she's like "get your ass up here." so I jump up and her and I start dancing then Ash comes up but she didn't really dance. It was really weird because usually I'm super scared when people are looking at me but I wasn't scared or nervous at all. After the show we went to hang out with Hidden in Plain View. He told me I kick ass because I bought one of his shirts. Then he gave us like a 40 minute speech on downloading music. The crowd wasn't rought at all surprisingly. I only have like 5 brusies. At Senses Fail's show my legs were like black and blue. =)
Anyways on to the bad part of the night...
So my best friend (Russ) calls me. He was all mad because I don't give him alcohol. So he said that he hated me and hung up the phone. I didn't call back, text him, talk to him online or anything. About an hour later he calls me three times. I ignore each call. Then he got smart and called me from his friends phone. I lost it. He asked me why I didn't answer my phone and I told him something along the lines of "because you hurt me and I'm not going to pretend like it didn't hurt." Then I went off on him because he was asking and asking where I was and I said "WHY SO YOU CAN YELL AT ME MORE AND MAKE ME FEEL EVEN BETTER ABOUT MYSELF?!" He got pissed. And said "Fucking I don't care Laur. Fuck you Laur. Fuck you." That was about the time that I told him that it's not going to be a one way street and if he doesn't care then I don't either and he can go fuck himself and I hung up the phone. He didn't try to talk to me until the next day. He texted me saying sorry and that he loves me and we will be best friends forever. We're cool now but it still hurt so bad. It's like he took a knife and just jabbed it right into my heart.
He told me he cried that night. He said because of his ex girlfriend (they have been on and off for like 2 years) but I have a feeling that it was because we were in a fight. We never really have been in a fight before and this time it was a pretty mean one. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I hope it did upset him. Not that I want him to be sad because I don't. I just hope it hit home. He needs to treat me like a friend, a best friend at that. I'm here for him. When I say that I mean a sholder to cry on, a smile with laughter, a big hug, a place to stay. Not a hook up for drugs. I just hope he knows that. It would stink going through life not feeling like you had anyone. I think that's why some people do the things they do. They feel they need to prove themselves right I guess. I don't know I'm just writing random thoughts and going off subject.
My best friend said he cut himself. I'm scared. I usually don't get scared but this scared me really bad. He reminds me of myself. The first time I did it I hated myself even more. I found as time went on the razor is a drug, it controls you till you can't take it anymore. Then either you become strong or you start doing worse things because the pain just doesn't seem to sufice what you feel inside. He also said that he kind of liked it and might want to do it again. It pulled him in like the tide yanking on the sand. He's going to the point of no return and I'm scared. I now know how Ashley felt when she found out about me. You go into this stage where everything is your fault and if you would have just kept your mouth shut none of this would have happend. But darlings everything happends for a reason. Most of them you don't know and probably never will. God made things to be the way they are for some purpose or another and I really do believe that.
When Russ first mentioned the cutting I could see his face the day I told him about my similar problem. He didn't understand. He said, "if you don't like it the stop." And I said, "sweetie if it was only that easy." For about a week he acted like I was a fragile alien. If someone said one mean thing to me he would make them feel like shit then punch them or something of the sort. Of course I regreted telling him. He acted totally different. It made me not want to tell him things or be so close. There was a point there where we didn't talk as much. Well rather I didn't talk as much. And he protected me like a big brother. I don't want to feel that way again. I want him to stand up for and be my big brother without acting like if he doesn't, I'll hurt myself. I don't want that. I don't want that feeling of guilt. It was almost as if he felt pity for me.
I remember that day so clear. After I told him we went for a walk. I was wearing my SoCo hat, just got my hair cut. He told me my hair looked really nice short. I think that was the nicest thing he has ever said to me....EVER. It was a compliment but in a "I'm still macho" kinda way. He made me feel good about myself, made me feel wanted and needed in the world. Then he took my hand and told me to follow him. He stopped in the middle of the road and told me to lay down. We did. He said, "Now just look up at the stars. Tonight we're going to see a shooting star." In that moment I really loved him for sticking up for me because in the end I knew that he would be there for me and would always be my best friend. Even if I hated him for being saracstic or aliening me out. After some comprimise we would be fine and he would always have my back.
Lately we haven't been that close. It makes me sad. I miss him lots and lots. I don't think he could ever understand that. He's like my left leg and without him around I don't feel complete. Or completly happy for that matter. I don't think he knows how much I care and listen. I love him to death and someday I hope he will realize that. I might say hurtful things or not be able to talk at a certain time but at the end of the day he's my best friend and he's always there. I guess what I'm really trying to say is Happy Birthday Janet. I hope it was a good one.