my love is a life-taker.
I found this message in my first high school yearbook:
In everyone's life, people say that you meet a friend that can help guide you through good times and bad times.. like an angel. I didn't believe that until I met you :) You have been one of the greatest friends I've had. I've grown to know you really well. You've always.. always been there for me :) I've hopefully been there for you too. I wasn't expecting to meet such a mature, kind and understanding friend this year, especially from a little fishy :) Well we got two more years to spend together.. So remember I'm the big guy that you can come to whenever you need me.. You know I'll end up going to you again.. O yea, remember what I told you that night on the phone? Well I MEANT IT. Thanks for being there to always make me smile, and forgiving me whenever I was blind. Well Christin take it easy.. see ya' this summer.
It's really interesting to me, because several people hated me because of my friendship with this guy. Ironically, in the same yearbook, one of those people wrote that I had "made (her) realize that there is such a thing as a friend". About two weeks later, she would tell me that she never considered me a friend. But almost 10 years later (wow - Im really getting old) I'm still friends with the guy who wrote the message.. and he was right. He did end up coming to me for advice again.. and again.. and again.
I hate that everytime I come down to the Valley, I end up rehashing drama from 10 years ago. Somehow, it is discussed - whether it was why she doesn't talk to me anymore, or why I never worked it out with him.. but every now and then I think of something good that happened in high school and it does warm my heart. There are the handful of people that I am truly appreciative to have met in those formative years. And it always amazes me that through all of that bullshit, through everything I said and did, that there are still some people that I grew up with who choose to call me their friend.
I realize, at the same time, how much this holds me back. I dont like unfinished business and I dont like not being able to reconcile my mistakes. There still seems to be so many unanswered questions, things that I wish I could explain, things that I wish they understood. And Im not sure if I will ever really let it go.
But that's why a message like this one means a lot to me. Because that is the kind of friendship I intend to have. Im not good with temporary or casual relationships. Im in it for the long haul. Thats why it takes me a long time to make new friends - because I need to make sure this is someone I want to truly invest in. Because once I call you a friend, you're stuck with me for life. I'll be there for you whenever you need me and help as best as I can. I will be eternally affected by the condition of your life, by the choices you make, by the situation you are in. I hurt daily for the people in my life, because so many of them are in pain and feel lost. And I want to be a part of everyone's celebrations because I am genuinely happy for all of the good things - birthdays, anniversaries, promotions, any little success!
Im not saying this to build myself up as the perfect friend, because I know I am far from it. Because I am so personally influenced by everyone else, I become overbearing and dependent. My happiness is directly tied to the happiness of those around me. Its been hard for me to develop an identity outside of my relationships. But reading that message tonight just made me feel like maybe Ive done something right along the way. Maybe not everything Ive done has been for selfish reasons, or with misaligned intentions. My heart's in the right place, and eventually my actions will follow.
With the threat (?) of two past friends attempting to reintroduce themselves into my life, this realization becomes even more poignant. I know the kind of person I become when I allow people back into my heart, and Im not sure that I want to go through that again with either of them. There are very few friendships that I have successfully released and I am proud of the ties I have broken. I am now able to recognize unhealthy and unnecessary relationships and, as cruel as it may sound, have become somewhat efficient in removing people from my life. I have redefined the terms of these relationships, and have not suffered from their absence.
My biggest trouble is setting my expectations too high. It will be difficult for me to not be disappointed over the next week because I inevitably am. I will be trying very hard to focus on the things that really matter - my family right now - and will hopefully let everything else fall where it may. And I think I'll try to spend a little time cheering up the guy that wrote me the message. I know he's needed it lately, and maybe so have I.