2012 in a nutshell
as judgemental as an overweight 28 year old in a fruit stripe tee shirt at the mcdonald's drive thru ordering her secret pre-dinner dinner can be.
might crack.
I can't stand this or myself. i've become a bristling ball of anxious angry energy. I hate it. you make good situations bad and bad situations worse.
it's seemingly impossible to be joyful for your happiness when I'm firmly entrenched in my own perceived misery.
I see people i think are you everywhere. mostly toothless bums which makes me feel terrible about the state of your life.
when i daydream about mean things people could do to me i think one of the meanest would be grabbing my glasses, throwing them on the ground and stepping on them. thinking about that almost makes me cry.
i fucking hate ladies who lunch.
i've been thinking that to birth and raise a child in this world you need either faith or to be unusually stupid. without one or both of those things i think a person must go insane with the idea of sending their creation out into this terrible and uncertain world.
you read every situation completely wrong.
sometimes i think i am defined solely by my family. someone who has never seen me with my family can not truly know me. grandpa dying cracked the foundation. as more people get sick and start to fail i wonder what will be left, who will i be without them. will i even exist without them?
at my darkest moments in the most cruel part of my mind i sometimes think it would be easier to miss you. the waves of guilt and shame that wash over me make my heart race and my mouth dry up. i am almost paralyzed with fear to even form this fleeting feeling into a solid thought. to write it is horrendous but somehow necessary.
i don't know how i'm going to get through this. somehow i have to make it to the finish line, get you through, and then worry about picking up the pieces.